4th baby at 40yrs?

[Babyelephant3]

We have three wonderful kids already, (youngest is 8) but we always wanted four. After 6 years of asking, DH has finally come round to the idea and now I’m confused as to try or not 😐. My head is trying to rule my heart 😫

It's a no from me for the following reasons 1) you are at an increased risk of having a child with additional needs which would have a huge impact on your previous children 2) it is for your benefit, not your children's, your children would benefit more from your time only being divided by 3 rather than being divided by 4 with an additional sibling. 3) environment.

I would be thinking more about what is in the best interests of your children rather than what you want, at this stage. That's how I reached my decision when umming and arring over another, I realised I couldn't make a huge family based decision based on just my broodiness, and my DH like yours wasn't 100% either.

Why not?
Can you afford it?
Will you always regret it if you don't?
The environment is a fair point to consider.
Your older children could really benefit from having a baby around in some ways.
You might be a lot more tired than previously?

The second post was negative.

I know people over 40 who have healthy babies. Some people now don’t even start until then.
I don’t see why the older kids wouldn’t benefit from it. They will grow up so fast soon and it will be nice for you to have your little one if that’s how you feel! No one regrets a sibling being born if they’re brought up close?

This is a decision only you and your husband can make. Do you want another. Are you okay to go back into that stage. I’m assuming for you it worth going back into that baby stage which you probably know zooms by for a lifetime with the child

The thing that strikes me is that you’ve spent 6 years (since your youngest child was 2!) asking your dh to have another and he’s eventually ‘come round to it’ That seems rather sad....rather than enjoying the 3 children you already had, you’ve been thinking about one you haven’t got!

I know there are sound environmental reasons against it but would feel a bit of a hypocrite citing those as we have 3 children. But in your shoes I definitely wouldn’t - for two main reasons. First, if you were both really on the same page then your dh wouldn’t have needed talking round. It seems like the main reason you wanting another child is for your own benefit, not because it will benefit your existing children or that your dh has come to that decision himself without persuasion.

Secondly, even if you fall pregnant tomorrow, you’ll have a 9 year age gap between the baby and your next child and even bigger gaps with the others. I can imagine that initially it would be quite a novelty, and with the other children in school, you’d have a fair chunk of the day without having to worry about them. But the thought of managing a two year old with your other children being 11 years upward.... and then a four year old with teenagers - no thanks! I think overall it would make dynamics pretty tricky, with the emotional and practical needs of your children being so different. And imagine having one, perhaps two at university with all the financial costs while still paying childcare and babysitters! I also think you’d have to tread very carefully to not subconsciously start to ‘lean on’ the older kids, asking them to watch the toddler while you’re busy etc which they might not appear to mind but which could lead to resentment further down the line

Your age I don’t see as a problem, especially if you had straightforward pregnancies and births so far. But I think it’s sad that you can’t enjoy the three lovely children you already have without hankering after another

If take @orangeteal's points into consideration. Might not be what you want to hear but seems sensible.

@Jollymollyx "I don’t see why the older kids wouldn’t benefit from it. They will grow up so fast soon and it will be nice for you to have your little one if that’s how you feel!"

You literally followed up not seeing the negatives for the children with a benefit for the mum, not the children. You can't see how a sibling wouldn't benefit them? Well how about the fact the older ones may end up having some caring responsibilities put on them, or that they will have a very young child when potentially at exam time, that the parents would now have to divide time between 4 children, someone will lose out somewhere at some time- whether it's help with homework or some one on one time with a parent which I think is important, finances will now be split between another child, the age gap means going back to a baby which changes the dynamic for holidays, family days out etc and completely changes the childhood of the other children. It's not negativity it's realism. These threads always have the "go for it" parade but people so very rarely actually think about the impact on the children who already exist, they just gloss over it. And as for "I know lots of people over 40" look at the statistics, I'm not saying it's inevitable but it is HIGHER RISK so you need to weigh that up in a decision especially when you already have 4 other people in your family to consider, it's different if you're going for your first.

I was 41 when I had DC2 & DC1 was 5 (went through multiple mc in between). In all honesty in your situation I wouldn't. If you do end up having difficulty conceiving or experience pregnancy loss it could really affect your existing family and your own mental and physical health. Not to mention the impact of a new baby on a well-established sibling group - are the others closer in age?

I can understand it is difficult to step away from your dream of four children, but the reality may come at a cost.

Thankyou ladies, to add a little more info...we had a mc between DC2 and DC3. Maybe that's the baby I'm feeling I'm missing? We're a little team of five and the kids are fully on board but I am listening to all views so thank you for your opinions. I'm leaning more to the 'enjoy your three children' the years have flown by so quick and we're so proud of our three and they each get us 100% because they isn't a big age so we all gel together.

Orangeteal- that’s exactly it- the ‘just go for it’ contingent! And then predictably you get people saying ‘you’ll never regret having another baby’ ... well of course no one is going to turn round and regret a child once it exists!! But that doesn’t mean their life would have been any less happy and fulfilling if that child had never been born.

I also think your points about family dynamics are spot on. The older the existing children are, the more impact adding another child into the mix will have. It’s partly practical issues ... eg a day out will involve having to factor in feeds, naps etc but more importantly the emotional issues. From the age a child is crawling up to at least 3 years you literally cannot take your eyes off them- they need constant supervision. Trying to marry that with giving proper undivided attention to a teenager and their thoughts and worries would be really difficult.

I’m a little younger than you but with a similar age gap between our last, dc3 is 7 and dc4 is almost 7 months. I adore her but she’s been far more trying than I could have imagined. I pretty much haven’t been able to put her down since she was born. And that has impacted the others. My oldest is 15 and seems to have turned into a troubled teen pretty much overnight. The pregnancy itself was by far the most difficult too, I had real, painful and debilitating mobility problems from about 22 weeks that got progressively worse and didn’t disappear as quickly as I’d have liked after the birth. We’ve had losses too and I think a lot of the desire to have another was exactly what you’ve said, the longing for that child that’s missing. If you’ve already done it, you’ll know a pregnancy after loss isn’t a walk in the park. All of this is a hugely negative post I’m afraid and I’m sure in a few years I’d be piling into a similar thread saying go for it. But right now, when I’m in the thick of it, I do sometimes wonder what on Earth we were thinking

Seems a bit selfish to me - why does the world need your fourth child? Why not adopt or foster instead?

@vemvet I have considered this also.

Sorry for your loss in mc.

Having a 4th child won't take that loss away though, you'll just have 4 kids and a loss.

As one of 4 kids myself I'd say don't do it. I'm quite strongly against large families in general as I don't think there's enough money, time and support for all children. There certainly wasn't for us.

I remember asking my mother why they had us all, they weren't the best parents and we went without a lot. The 4th child was extremely difficult, didn't sleep for the first 2/3 years and had severe Excema. My mother was stressed and was always having to coat him in various lotions and creams.

In adulthood now 3/4 have fairly significant MH issues. None of us are in contact with each other.

Think of the three you already have an invest all your time and energy into supporting them be the best they can be. The world is broken enough.

@AwkwardAsAllGetout thank you for your honest opinion. I will have a word with myself! 🙈 Our eldest is entering teenage years so the rollercoaster has started but we can deal with meltdowns, a baby in the mix would be another story. Also I have much older siblings and I guess I've always seen them more as 'another parent' than sibling and I wouldn't want that for my children.
For those saying I'm being selfish, I'm sorry but I genuinely didn't mean to be but see your point so Thankyou for the reality check 😊best wishes to you all.

@CallMeRachel Thankyou. ❤️

I don’t think anyone has meant it harshly if they’ve used the word ‘selfish.’ In some ways you could say any of us who have children are ‘selfish’ in that we’re fulfilling a desire.

I also think it’s very natural and common that once the youngest child in the family is reaching an age of independence, once they’re at school, many mums feel an urge to ‘do it again’. But that’s very different from genuinely believing another child is the best thing for your family.

FWIW we both always planned 3, I popped them out in quick succession which was blooming hard from a financial and practical viewpoint but meant as a family we went through each stage together as a unit. I had short maternity leaves (this was over 20 years ago) and it meant I never felt I’d completely left my old life behind IYSWIM. Even so, when dc 3 started school I remember feeling a bit of a pang that this was it, no more pre school kiddies. If I hadn’t had my busy work life no doubt I’d have felt it even more acutely. But I suspect that feeling is there no matter how many kids you have... there will always be a youngest and that youngest one will eventually get to the point of starting school and not needing so much constant attention.

They really do need you in different ways though... OP as you have one just entering teenage years you’ll discover that. And it’s no less needy than a toddler, just different needs.

Sorry for your miscarriage. I suspect that may play a part in how you feel, but as someone else said, that loss will always be there, you can’t replace that child, you could have another 3 children but you’d still have that loss

One positive thing though ... those pangs really do fade. I remember seeing a friend with a newborn just as my youngest was starting school and I felt a really pang or ‘oh my goodness, I could have another one!’
But within 6 months the feeling had completely gone and id actually have been really distressed if I’d had an accidental pregnancy. Once my youngest turned 5 we’d really moved into a lovely phase as a family, no more night waking, crying, tantrums etc. The friend with who I’d seen with her newborn also had older children the same ages as mine and honestly once that baby reached crawling stage and I saw the harsh reality of combining a mobile baby with older children I actually felt a little sorry for her - it became really hard work

@Acciocats Thankyou, I think the feeling of loss is the main factor here and that it's true that will never change. We're still able to get 1:1 with our three when they need it and that's something myself and DH enjoy. When I say I've been asking for 6yrs I meant throwing it into conversation but not obsessively 😅. I didn't enjoy my DC3 pregnancy because I was so scared after the mc and always thought we'd have another but hey ho. Life doesn't always go to plan and please believe me when I say I know we are incredibly lucky to have three healthy individual happy children ❤️

We had the same discussion several years ago. I'd had a miscarriage (accidental pregnancy) and it made me long for another baby.

Eventually logic and rational discussion lead to sticking with the lovely family we had. It was difficult to deal with the broody feelings for a while, but a couple of years later when teen dc had severe mh issues we were so glad about the decision we'd made. I think that sometimes teens need more care and attention that little ones do, and it tends to be more on their timescale than yours - you can't just have bath, play, story and pop them in bed, you have to skulk around the kitchen at midnight waiting to chat...

And then 10 years later, in our 50's with more freedom, still with the energy to be active, not knackered by a young child or constrained by the constant round of after-school / evening activities... We made the right decision for us (all).

*@
Yep I see them as situations to overcome, not necessarily disadvantages that would mean a older sibling would regret a child being born, unless there’s deeper issues there.
There’s over 10 years between one of my siblings and me. She’s great now helps out with my kids
I don’t regret her being born lol!

Sorry that ^ was for @orangeteal

I did it
Absolutely no regrets
Our whole family benefitted enormously
BUT
With our older 3 at uni/now working, we still have school/ babysitting to sort out so less freedom
We genuinely don't mind that and are very relaxed with it all.......only you can know what you'd feel
Take some time to look at all your issues.
And yes, we had 3 traumatic miscarriages too