How do you not give shit what people think (especially parents.)

[NumberblockNo1]

So if you are the sort of person who is easily hurt by ctiticism how do you change from that and not give shit?

In particular Im still (at 40) regularly upset by knowing how little my parents think of me or their criticisms.

I want to be in a place where it doesnt affect me. Anyone know how to make the weight of their opinions smaller? I can logically tell you that they are wrong, and that Ive done well, given my background. But my dad has all the material things of life and culturaal capital and success and I.... havent. Which shouldnt affect it but seems to make it harder. Its the hurt and the heart that I want to change!

I know their negative voices in my childhood would affect me etc etc but how do I lose it now. Or worrying what people think in general?

Any ideas? Magic wands or practical ideas welcome!

I've found it's with age. I'm younger than you, but as I get older, I've realised as long as I'm ok with myself then sod everyone else.

I think it's partly down to personality as well. I've never been an anxious person or a worrier and I have a pretty thick skin.

I don't think there is a magic wand, unfortunately!

Ive become more anxious as Ive got older. I thought I could do anything when I left uni (and felt freeee from parents!!)

I suspect that's part of it. I can logically see I don't want their opinions ti count as ita just painful, but cant seem to actually amke that happen! Huge disconnect between head and heart.

I think if life was good and successful I would care less! Its more obvious when Im struggling or we've had challenges and the gulf looks bigger between parents who care and those who criticise!

Âge mostly.

And being selective about who is spend time with, family included. As Epictetus said... the key is to spend time only with those people who uplift us, whose presence calls forth the best in us.

And another good one: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Gosh DD, why do you say that??

Regarding material things, remember it's not you, it's that those things were easier for our parents ' generation. My parents easily bought a large detached house on my dad's salary alone with a small mortgage when they were in their early 30s. We were late 30s/ early 40s when we bought a terraced family house with a larger mortgage. It's not we are less 'successful', its that it's much more expensive for everyone. Unfortunately some older people just don't seem to get that and thank that younger folks could buy a house if they bought less coffee

I'm currently having psychotherapy and part of the work I'm tasked with doing is moving my locus of validation from external to internal. I'm a massive people pleaser and chronic overachiever. It's paralysing for me at times.
The technique so far just involves noticing and writing down those creeping negative thoughts, as they occur, and then looking back and asking why I felt negative and/or judged, whether it really mattered, and how I could feel more positive next time. It seems to be slowly working, as a very simple example, I made a birthday cake for my son this week, and instead of fretting about how it would look, saving a load of impossible images from Pinterest, weeping when it looked shit and then humble-bragging about it on instagram, I just made a nice simple cake, we all loved it and it was a nice experience. This is a huge change in mindset for me.

I should add, work around my relationship with my mother is going to take a long time, it's very entrenched and I am desperate to please her. It's very common.

I found I used to be very affected by others opinions. I consciously have to tell myself that I'm fully capable of making correct decisions and sometimes I have to look back and name all the ones I'm proud of. I have a huge "I'll do it myself" complex to prove it again and again. Not sure if it's a coping mechanism or side effect though haha

Getting older has definitely helped me. I couldn't give a shit what people think of me, it has taken me years to become who I am, if they don't like me they can fuck right off. That's people in general though, I would still find criticism from people I love very hard to take. Criticism is very cruel, some people seem to think it helps others to improve, but it just makes them feel shit. At the end of the day it is just their opinion though, their need to criticize you is a flaw in them, not you. I know my elderly mum thinks I spoil my DC, I know she thinks I live beyond my means, I know she thinks I need to lose weight, and worst of all I know she thinks I am not as smart as my siblings, but, she is not infallible, she doesn't know everything, she loves me, i love her, so I don't care.

Hmm, I wish I knew. I assume the reason I am so self-critical/ lacking in self-esteem etc is because of the negative responses from my mother throughout my childhood. I am nearly 40 and still care about what she thinks but less so than I used to. I am also annoyed that, partly thanks to her, I am nearly 40 and am an emotional wreck still who regularly struggles to cope with life. However, my house is not as tidy as she would like, my children aren't necessarily doing the things she would like, we don't have as much money to spend on things as she would like, but I have DH and DC and we are happy enough, I am doing the job I love and I am surviving whether she thinks my life is good enough or not. It also helps that I don't see her as much anymore.

I had one light bulb moment when I had a major achievement and it was still criticised. It was suddenly clear that nothing will ever be good enough and so I gave up. I may as well please myself.

The other major thing for me was having my lovely DD who is just awesome. The way my parents talk about her, rarely say anything nice etc made me reevaluate lots of things. I suspect I was never the horrible child they describe.

Isn't this a major major reason people go for therapy? Substantial therapy to address the way your parents have affected you is something lots of people do.

Also, a very helpful thing a therapist once said to me was to consider everything in the light of your values. Things like 'I put my children's needs first. This means putting them above my mother's needs' or similar.

When people criticise your actions, you can think 'I acted in line with my values. Even if they don't understand that/it didn't work out as I expected/I made a mistake/they value other things.'

Also, just a note for DDIJ, I feel like there are many reasons for people not being able to 'succeed' by conventional standards. One is because some of those standards are bullshit. Another is because lots of adults have undiagnosed issues that are disabling. Another is addiction or relationship choices. None of these are impossible to address. You are not a lost cause. Neither is your daughter.

Wrote a reply this morning then spent 4 long hours with my mother. She especially focused on my financial situation, spent a long time talking about things I am doing wrong related to that and the state of the house and DC. Long sigh...

Binned them both in my 20 's.
At 48 I receive no critisim from the loved ones I have - dc & my dh...

I think to remember that the stuff they say is not 'the truth' but simply stuff they think out loud...may be a reflection of their own projection (how they feel about themselves projected on to you) ...so more to do with them than you...just realising thoughts are just that...so you can then be more reflective and sceptical about those beliefs you might hold as a result. Easier said than done though.

I seem to be quoting the stoics all over here today: here’s another.

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perception, not reality.

So whatever opinion or perception your parents might have about you and your life, it’s not “the truth”.

I used to feel very very much as you describe.
I did inner child work with a therapist. Totally not logical/ rational. Felt a bit clunky to do, and also that I was just going through the motions, but MAN did it have an effect.
I really do not suffer in the same way at all. I now give no fucks ( but still have respect for people, no desire to run roughshod over them).

I don’t know if there are books about it, or if there is an introduction to this theme on YouTube/ Tedtalks, or whether you need to find a therapist,

Good luck with it.

They were our absolute world when we were growing up, but most of us need to learn the hard way that they can no longer remain on that pedestal. We have to push them off.

@DDIJ You haven't failed at every aspect and how you live your life now is up to you, not them.
@NumberblockNo1 there's no easy answer to your question, as we are conditioned in childhood and then we have to do the hard work of unpicking why we are living this way. Start reading, go to therapy, start listening to how self-critical you are, and how you respond to comments from others. Good luck!

Try working in customer facing roles such as retail - you will become very thick skinned...

Age mostly but also a shift in thinking.

Imagine that DM says, for example, 'Oh, you can't wear that, you're far too old now'. DM obviously thinks that certain people should only wear certain things. We know that this isn't true and people can wear whatever they like. Therefore, DM is wrong. So why do you need validation from someone who is wrong? It can't even be validation if it's based on something that isn't true can it?

I hope that made sense.

Move a couple of hundred miles away from them. God I'd hate if my DC ever felt that way about me, but maybe it's healthy, who knows? I never felt my parents were supportive of my parenting, that was a big thing for me. When I moved away from them (nothing to do with them, was for economical reasons), I grew so much in confidence and in my parenting decisions, nobody could tell me what to do, I was in charge as it were. My dm can be quite manipulative and can say sly little things to get between me and the DC, it's so underhand you wouldn't notice unless paying attention. Oh and studying psychology as I now know not to take so so many things personally, I externalise what people say rather than internalise it, which can make you feel a bit sorry for the other person, but better than hating yourself.