The peripheral friend

[Thegrandoldelf]

Someone used this phrase on a post the other day about friendship issues and it really resonated with me. All through life I seem to always end up on the periphery of any friendship groups I make. I try hard to be a good friend - I always ask people lots of questions, remember key bits of info about their lives, am generous and welcoming, make the effort to arrange social events etc etc but despite my best efforts I never seem to quite make it. My DC are on half term next week and I've tried to make plans to meet up with people but to no avail. I had arranged to meet a friend on Monday and I messaged earlier this week to ask if we could slightly change the planned activity as one of my DC is currently on crutches. I was told she'd double booked and had actually invited 2 other friends to join us and all their DC were looking forward to the planned activity so we would need to reschedule. I didn't make a fuss as normally she's great but it just brought home how on the edge of things I always am. Has anyone ever overcome this and if so how? It makes me sad to realise how I have no close friends and it's a lonely place.

I could have wrote this.

No advice but I know how you feel

Indeed it was only post university when practically everyone from one of my established group met without me that I realised I'd never been considered a "full" member of the group

When I went to a 30th and I could see someone (admittedly not someone I was friends with) looking genuinely bewildered as to why I had been invited

When most of the people in my main friendship group coupled off and I was the single one

And at school when the friendship group was controlled by the whims of one individual and she had stronger connections to the other girls through a shared primary.

And then of course, have a long term illness and watch people melt away and neglect to invite you to things and find excuses.

"I didn't think it would interest you"

"I didn't think you'd want to come"

When what they really mean is :

"I didn't think you'd fit in with the group"

I hear you OP. I too am a peripheral friend.

Yes this is me. Aside from the one friend, I was ignored at school so took my place in the background. I was also bullied. I have deliberately put myself in the background ever since believing I am not liked.

In my mind I am friendly but I can be aloof and put up a wall to protect myself.

I am pretty much damaged. I yearn to be someone's best friend but show otherwise.

Me too. I have always felt like I’m outside a goldfish bowl - looking in from outside at the others.

Yes that's me too. I have, as I have got older, found some reliable people. I don't get to see them that often but they are people I can plan to meet for coffee in three weeks time and they will keep that plan. I don't think I'm their BEST friend but they do value me.

I am similar OP. I remember arranging to meet someone I considered a friend for coffee once and in the middle of the conversation, she told me about a great night out she'd had with the 'girls'. I had considered myself one of the 'girls'. My face must have been puzzled as she then told me very matter of factly that we were not friends nor was I friends with the 'girls'. In hindsight I realised I really hadn't liked or enjoyed their company much at all but had gone along with it. It was quite liberating to realise that I didn't have to feel guilty about not meeting her or the 'girls'. again.

I’m the same :(

Yes I feel this is often me!

Same here until I gave up flogging the long dead horse and a people pleaser.
I don’t have need or what any friends now.
I have everyone around me who I need.

Same!

Yes, also a peripheral except for a couple of close friends.

Yes this is me. My 2 closest friends see eachother several times a week as they're both on mat leave, but when I try suggesting something for a weekend/day off it's really hard to find a date their free. Others are more acquaintances and tend to be free a bit more (maybe we're all eachothers 'peripheral' friends), but it's not really the same as close friends.

@zsa That is normal. No one can be everyone's best friend.

Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know that other people experience this too but it's pretty crap for us. Fortunately I enjoy hanging out with my DC but it would be good to have another adult to talk to at times when we're out and about.

You sound lovely. In a kind way you might just be 'too nice'? What I mean is people can sense if they think they can take advantage of you and then sadly, often will do.
Get some hobbies, do your own thing. Encourage your kids to have hobbies if they don't already.
I have felt this at points in my life and now just can't be arsed with people unless they are lovely!

I hear you! I have always been that way since primary school I always blamed myself and have been hard on myself about it but now I'm older I've just kind of accepted it, it hurts at times though. Interestingly my mum and sister are also similar, maybe it's a family trate haha!