How do you cope when your kids are sad?

[freddy45]

Dd2 is having a very tricky time at school (yr 5, she is 9).

She's in a new class and has no close friends. She is desperate to fit in and she just isn't. Not unpopular but just peripheral. She's sad and anxious about this. To make matters worse her sister is flying socially and has a bunch of invites for half term whereas she has none.

We've flagged with school, trying to teach her to be resilient, trying to get her to invite people round. (she is scared to in case they say no. She did. They said no...). Trying to find her a local club to join so she can make friends away from school etc. All the stuff.

But my heart just breaks for her. She's so sad and I just want to make it better for her and I can't. I worry I'm then showing her how worried I am which isn't helpful. Dh took her just now as she was crying again:(

Worse bit of parenthood so far. I just want to make my baby happy

No real advice but didn't want to read and run. Your poor DD.

My parents were constantly telling me to join a club or ask everyone out/join in this and that. I hated it. And it didn't really work for me.

What I've found is as I find my groove (it's only taken me 40 years) people naturally gravitate to that confidence and comfortable feeling. I have a horse which brings me into contact with a whole raft of people - some good, some bad. And DD does the same through school, old NCT friends and playing with other DCs in the village. I pick and choose what I go to but never seem to be short of offers. This is the polar opposite to the massive gawky kid of 9 who other parents teased my DM about because I never went anywhere and was crap at anything active.

I guess what I want to say is, while she might find it hard now, it doesn't mean things will always be like this. Focus on family, doing well at school and anything she's keen on or good at. The rest may just come in time.

Thanks puppy

She is sporty hence the club suggestion. Part of the issue is her sister - they have mutual friends but they are closer to dd1 and we need to let dd1 have her space.

Sigh. I think you are right - she's doing ace at school and we try very hard to make her loved at home and provide support. I didn't find my friend groove til secondary.

Google John Gottman's "Emotion coaching for kids", it gives you some really good practical strategies for helping your children deal with emotions (and helps parents see what is useful/less so). It is really horrible watching our kids struggle but so important to allow them the opportunity to manage things themselves rather than jumping to fix it mode.

Thanks for that recommendation l, will take a look.

School have offered to help her with exactly that and dh is also v good at reminding me I can't fix it and just support her.

I'm so sorry your daughters feeling like this. I'm not sure if this would work at your school but at schools I've worked at we set up a lunch club for the "lonely heart" children. Basically 2 kids per class who are in similar situation (believe me there are) are recommended by their teacher to attend if they want to.
So then maybe 10 to 15 children come together and colour, play games etc and hopefully over a term they develop friendships with each other. They become a big group of friends that look after each other/play in the playground together. Might be worth asking at school?
She won't be the only one at school to be feeling rotten.

What a lovely idea!

Sorry, just catching up after work.

That is a lovely idea. We're catching up again with the teacher towards the end of November to see how she's doing after the pastoral sessions so may suggest that if things are still the same.