PILs find out our news by googling us. WTF?!

[DailyMailAnusHole]

PILs and DP on the phone every couple of weeks for half hour or so

DP finds these conversations very hard as it's basically a stream of consciousness from his mom about mostly completely boring stuff.

They very rarely ask any DP any questions about what we're up to. If they do, DP will tell them something and is met with stony silence.

So, we came to the conclusion that they're just not interested in our lives. That's fine.

Yesterday, MIL revealed that they google me and DP regularly to see what we're up to work-wise. Is it me or is this completely bonkers? Why not just ask us? Or, when they do ask, show some actual interest?

I understand googling people occasionally just be nosy or wile away time but they're googling to actually find out our news rather than just speaking with us. I'm completely confused.

They're bonkers anyway but this is really strange, isn't it?

It is.. slightly odd.

Mainly because the only people I know that this works for are the ones with really quite interesting jobs!

Very bizarre. Are you in a field where it would be online as beyond what I put on FB from time to time, no one would know unless I told them.

And I don't have either parents or MIL on FB

This is how my so called family tracked me, they would google my ex to work out where I was.
It used to annoy me, then I decided I couldn’t control them so getting annoyed etc was a waste of time and pointless.

Why would there be anything about you and your work on the internet?

Neither me or DP are on Facebook so this is all from our work websites or videos on YouTube we both do occasionally.

We're both academics so not very interesting jobs.

I think it's just seems so odd how they are on the phone (stony silence, no questions, subject changed really makes it seem like they're not interested) that they then google us (which makes it seems like they want to know everything that we're up to).

Insane.

@Clangus00 We both have work websites which are regularly updated with stuff, we both do videos for our employers which go online, we do promotional activities for our books, we sometimes to press releases/media interviews so there is stuff online about us. BUT they'd find out so much more if they just bloody asked!

Given your recent post I don’t think it’s that odd, just being nosey/passing the time.

just being nosey/passing the time

But that's the thing, they're not. They told DP that this googling is how they find out what we're up to. In other words, they're googling to find stuff out rather than just asking on the phone 'what have you been up to?' or even 'I noticed you've got a new book chapter out, how long have you been working on it/ what's it about...?'

They're not interested in your lives. They want to appear interested and close to you when talking to other people, so they only need to know anything public that someone else might bring up.

I think what it shows is despite being quite socially awkward and not very good on the phone, they are interested in you and your lives. They are also probably quite proud. I don't think googling your own child or their partner to peek at what they are up to is odd when they do podcasts or write books.

Bit stalkerish imo...

My parents do this too! And stalk my Twitter (without actually following me, just referencing it occasionally). Annoying but it is public info... still annoying though.

Also- if they asked 'what have you been up to', you wouldn't say 'well, I've been writing a paper on 18c naval traditions focusing on on particular sailor called Horace using a narrative approach' would you? You'd say 'been out with the kids'. So, this is a different type of information about you and I don't think it's sinister or weird they are looking it up, academics have very visible public faces and that's interesting to other people, including our parents and in-laws.

It sounds like that might be the best they can do.
The whole stream of consciousness, not knowing how to structure a conversation thing illustrates that they have poor social and communication skills. But the googling shows they are interested and do care, It’s just that they don’t have the skills to put the two together.

Mind you I don’t have to have them as my in-laws so it’s ok for me to deliver my verdict. I’m sure if you met my deeply crazy mum , you’d say she was lovely.

I think it shows they are interested and are proud of you both. Perhaps they just find conversation difficult. As you are both academics, maybe they would feel out of their depth bringing it up with you.

I don't know what it is. They're not bad at phone calls or conversation.

I think they are interested but when they ask what we're up to at work and we tell them (not the finer points but general "I'm working on a project about this...") its just absolute silence over the phone. Not even a "that's interesting" or "uh huh" or anything. Just complete silence.

I'm struggling to explain properly how bizarre I find the whole thing.

Do you think they could be intimidated by your careers? And just literally not know how to respond when confronted with it in conversation? Googling you puts the power back in their hands a bit and gives them time to consider it.

@CanISpeakToYourManager Maybe, I hadn't really thought about it like that. I hope we/our jobs don't come over as intimidating.

I know you said you have tried speaking to them about your Jobs life etc but could it be a dig? I'm just imagining "Yes I find out from google" 🙄 coming from my Dad even though I've tried telling him whatever it is a hundred times...

Are they a bit intimidated by your jobs? Are they worried if they ask that they won't understand what yo are working on?

I am also an academic and I notice people can be reluctant to ask me because of this. I don't do anything difficult to explain, I think it is just an attitude that comes from somewhere.

I think not all people are capable of a back and forth conversation and can only try to select an appropriate monologue if that makes sense. Could this be the case? They are interested but don't have the skills to have that conversation and this is an easier way of obtaining the information for them.

With the silence thing I do wonder if it’s that they literally don’t know what to say to that. Like, I know nothing about academia - if someone said that they’d had a delay on their draft; I wouldn’t know if that was good, bad, or standard for the industry. To everyone fair I give no shits about looking dense so I’d say something like “oh right, is that a “yay” or a “poor you” moment?” But I can imagine someone who worried about saying the wrong thing might not know how to respond.

To put it in perspective - my parents never ask how I’m getting on or what I’m working on. If I mention something they will quickly turn it around to something that they or their friends did. Your PIL seem interested they maybe just don’t know how to engage?

My Granny’s the same - she’ll always mention when my company or industry was mentioned on the news unfortunately pretty much always because we’ve done something naughty . It won’t always be relevant to what I actually do but I like that she’s thought enough of me to make a note of it and mention it.

I only suggest that because I've come to realise that for many people of my parents generation, many modern careers are basically mystery to them. They are so specialised or technical that it is hard for them to know how to connect about that, especially on the fly.

My kids are teenagers now but I can totally imagine my son having a career that is so far beyond me I won't know how to talk about it. I can imagine trying and him laughing about me later with his wife :) I'm trying to make my peace with it.