Moving to the country

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

We live in an estate on the edge of a small town. We're within 5 minutes of school, work, shops and kids' activities. The kids have friends in the estate, so once homework is done they're away out having adventures in the fresh air.

I'm bored out of my head. My job is boring but permanent and I'm not qualified to do anything else. I sit at home in the afternoons waiting to cook dinner, or opening and closing the front door the the kids. My marriage is more or less an amicable co-parenting house share.

There's a house on the market 10 minutes from the centre of town, on over an acre of land. I want to move out there, grow veg, chickens, pigs; I love gardening and just being outdoors, but here we have room for a patio, swings, slide and climbing frame and that's it. I've crammed plants into every available space but it's tiny and doesn't need the amount of time it like to give it.

DH has agreed. He likes the idea of a tiny farm and there are big sheds which would give him space for DIY projects that he doesn't really have room for here. The kids like the idea; they love animals. DD really wants to work with animals later so I figure it's no harm for her to see the reality of it now. There's great scope in the house and sheds for fun play, or later for setting up dens or cinema rooms for teenagers.

But they'd miss out on being in an estate and having other kids around. They find playing together much less fun than being in a group. I grew up on a road of elderly people and no kids, and I have horrifically bad social skills (though I think I would have anyway). DH and I don't really have friends so we dont have many people coming to the house. Theyd be relying on us organising playdates, which is surely mever going to be as good as being able to just wander out the door and seeing who's around, is it?

I'm so confused. Does anyone have any advice?

I’d move.

There is just one reason you want to stay. Which works well for about half the year when it’s light.

The reasons for moving far outweigh the one reason for moving.

Last word should be staying! Bit too early in the morning..

We live rurally on the side of the mountain and love it! Kids like it, don’t live it but were 2 miles from the village, which has no pavement and no street lights and is a steep down hill drive/walk. Older 2 are 17/15 and will walk down in daylight to meet friends. Youngest is 11 and we drive him up and down. Otherwise we are taxi. We are 2 miles from school, 10 miles from a supermarket, 3-4 buses a day (not sure as we drive everywhere). But its our life and we won’t change it.

We keep sheep, go out for walks with torches and hi-viz.

Keeping farm animals is very hard work, mucking out, feeding every day. Also chickens need to be looked after carefully and locked up away from foxes. Do some research about animal care and rules (Defra) first and don’t get too many to start.

If you are prepared to drive the kids everywhere and don’t mind mud why not?

I grew up on a farm it’s really hard work and just seems to attract rats no matter how careful you are...
Unless they are really into the outdoors or horses or similar your kids will HATE it as teenagers

We moved to the arse end of nowhere nearly a year ago now. Driving everywhere all the time is a pain in the arse.

Move , sounds perfect ,
We live rurally , edge of village , no pavements or street lights , so yes you will provide a taxi service , but it will be worth it

Move!

We live in the middle of nothing and we love it. My job is home/site based and I rarely have to be offices based. Dh commute has got bigger but living where we live makes it worth it.

We don’t farm, and the farmers around us do seem to work bloody hard.

The kids absolutely love it.

As a child aged 8, I moved from Ealing in London down to the country and lived literally in the middle of nowhere, 1 mile from the closest village and 5 miles from the closest town. As kids, we all just used to get on our bikes and meet up in the village or at each other's houses, never found we were bored or never had nothing to do. As you can probably guess by the name, we got horses so they always kept me busy as well.
Yes, you will become a taxi service for a while but I got a Vespa when I turned 16 and it allowed my parents some respite and gave me some independence to go to the local town to see my other friends who tho it having to rely on my parents.

The grass is always greener ....

In reality, You'll probably still be lonely. ( but maybe see the children a bit more)
And in twenty years you'll maybe look back and wonder if this was the moment that you could have changed everything you taking things just one step further that then allowed yourselves ( you and DH ) to meet other people who cherish you and don't let you feel like part of a co parenting house share, but who'll love and adore the very bones of you and make you smile everyday .

But until one of you is brave enough to make that break , you and current DH will just rub along together in this half hearted relationship .

Sorry, went a bit far there. I'm probably projecting a bit . Sorry , but now I've typed it, I'll post it and you can totally ignore or ponder it maybe ? If it might be relevant after all.

So yes, I would move!

Think carefully, whilst it sounds lovely a move to the countryside you will probably find it restrictive after being used to everything on your doorstep.

How do your kids feel about a move?

Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

I grew up on a farm, just me and my sister for company. We didn’t know any different so didn’t know we should be lonely. We played outside most of the time, played inside when wet, and read all the time. We didn’t have many play dates, maybe once a fortnight ? When we went to visit friends /cousins who lived in “schemes” (Scottish for housing estate) we found it very intimidating: we were real country mice.

Fun as a kid, boring PITA as a teenager.

Maybe not coincidental that my sister and I both choose to live city centre as adults: the novelty of having people and shops close to hand and not having to drive every-bloody-where has never worn off for me!

Move. We live in the country, my kids have never 'been out to play' and are still happy and healthy.

One gets lifts to friends houses, the other doesn't like being sociable anyway.

We dog walk and enjoy our house - we have a wood and last night as my husband walked in the door from work, there was the loudest owl hoot we've ever had. Lovely!

Allotment?

It's tricky, that time when your kids start playing out and you are kind of hanging about at a loose end. This is when you start to want to make changes, and thats a good thing but I'm not sure moving to a hobby farm is the answer.

Get a big peice of paper and write these things on it:
Work, home, friends, romance, money, intellectual stimulation, spiritual fulfilment, excitement, kids, and any other elements of a happy life you feel is important. Then for each element write the things you are happy with in one colour and the things you would like to add, or change, in another.

Is your home the main thing? Or do you need to ditch the boring job and find a career you love? Is your marriage still working? Could you move to a house still near friends and amenities but with a massive garden for veggies and chickens?
I'm probably more cynical than most about living rurally, so take that into account, but with kids getting older I think it would be a mistake. The things you are itching to change might be achievable in a different way. Or they might not be the things you really need to work on.

When they're older you just need to facilitate lifts at all sorts of hours of the day and night. It doesn't last forever and I'm sure what you would all get from the move would outweigh the temporary inconvenience

Don’t move! We did the reverse move when DS was one and have never regretted it. Small holdings look lovely but are really hard work, cold and muddy. Plus you’ll be a permanent taxi service when they’re teenagers.

We live in the centre of a small city now and it is so much better/ easier. We are anti- social too and cities are so much more anonymous that text net curtain twitching of rural life!

Could you get an allotment? See how you actually get on with the veg growing, gardening etc before you make a big move? The idea of kids being self sufficient as they grow older with everything on their doorstep sounds great. So location of house is not the issue - you need to work round the land issue and an allotment could be a good first step.

We lived rurally for the first ten years of our DS’s life,it was lovely for that time it the reality of having to drive every time you wanted a pint of milk did wear off and it would have got worse as DS got older and wanted more independence. Like you we know live on the edge of a town and everything is within walking distance but still near enough the countryside.
If you are bored can. you think about getting an allotment? In our town there is a community garden for people to get involved with, lots of open space which encourage people to adopt ‘spaces’, shared gardening projects etc. Helping older people who can’t manage their garden. There are opportunities available, you just have to look for them.

Sorry, I'm going to reply to all these in order of straightforwardness.

There are no allotments within half an hour's drive of here, so that's an absolute nonstarter.

It's not the middle of nowhere as such; it's 4km from where we are now, 9km from the town centre (and the school, and work) but you're never held up by traffic at all around here (it's brilliant! DH and I grew up in the city with constant traffic jams and rejoice every day in the lack of traffic here) so it would be 12 minutes at the most. I'd say most people spend longer commuting than that. DH and I would happily take turns to cycle to work while the other dropped the kids to school, which is what we do now. There are maybe 30 houses with a km radius of the house as well, and a decentish garage shop 200m down the road, so not completely isolated.

I have no objection to mud at all! And I'd be happy for the kids to have mopeds as soon as it was legal; I didn't learn to drive till I was 35 because I was scared and it was a massive disadvantage, so even now, at 9 and 7, I'm teaching them a bit about how the car works and the rules of the road as I drive them, so they'll feel comfortable doing it themselves as soon as possible.

I've read extensively about the animal keeping end of things and my sister has kept pigs so we're not going into it blind, and the plan is absolutely to take it very slowly - a year of four chickens and some veg first.

The kids had riding lessons for a few years but DD became scared of them and DS wasn't that interested so there'll be no horsing around. They mostly like mucking around on bikes and reading (though they'd happily live glued to screens, given the chance).

Splitting from DH wouldn't be a chance to meet someone else, that wouldn't happen. And being lonely with him seems better than being lonely without him.

And an owl hoot would absolutely make my day : ) In our first house, a few days after we moved in, I saw a hare lolloping down the road outside early in the morning and I still get chills thinking about it. We saw a fox outside our current house and DH and I were thrilled. And when we viewed the house we're considering, there was a pheasant pottering around on the lawn : )

I’m laughing at the posters talking about farming - it’s an acre! An acre isn’t exactly a farm, but enough space for chickens, a veg garden etc.

Your children are still quite young. Don’t underestimate the likelihood that once they hit teenage years they will be bored stupid at home feeding chickens and want lifts everywhere.

Ultimately your loneliness stems from you, and you take you with you when you move. But if you love the lifestyle you could have go into it with your eyes wide open.

Village with primary school, school bus to secondary and a bus service to town?

My family all live in a rural area, it has really affected the teens.

They are either isolated or can’t be independent because they rely on ParentTaxi and they are so done with pond dipping.

OMG do it! That kind of childhood is so idyllic and yet you'd still only be ten minutes from town. Perfection.

I grew up on an estate surrounded by the elderly as well as I ended up with pretty solid social skills (if I do say so myself ;) ). The kids will be golden, they can bike to see their friends. I did that and it worked out just fine.

There's a primary school across the road but they don't want to change, they want to stay in the one they're in now, which is perfectly doable. There is a bus to the secondary that feeds into, or we could bring them in every day since we work 3 minutes from their school. We'd be happy to provide lifts, or indeed to allow teenagers to hang out in our house; we're not anti-people as such, just not able to maintain friendships.