In need of advice feeling depressed and lonely

[JD27]

I’m new to all of this and to be quite honest I didn’t know what else to do, I read a lot of chats on here to see if I can confide in anyone, or just get a little advice or reassurance, but finding it difficult to find any of the above.
I’m a first time mum to just the one boy who’s 7 months now and I’m finding it really difficult..
I haven’t ever admitted it to anyone because I just feel like they won’t understand, and I get told ‘you’re doing so amazing’ but I don’t ever feel like it. I have a partner who is 13 years older (I’m 25 he’s 38) than me who he has a son who is 8yo from a previous marriage, when I fell pregnant I didn’t know if I was happy or sad but he kept on telling me how great it would be, and how happy he was, as time goes on I just don’t believe it..
I had a really stressful birth (40 hr with forceps delivery) and took me ages to recover, my son was born with two cords one wrapped around the neck twice and one round the arm and leg, that caused him a lot of cranium tension so he’s never been a calm and easy baby since then.
My partner works all week so I’m stuck at home most of the time on my own, now that my son is getting a little bit older I’ve been wanting to get back into work, as before I was pregnant I was such a busy body with work. I feel like I’ve lost myself, I get super anxious leaving the house, some days I can’t even bare to go out and take baby for a stroll. When my partner does come home from work I have to ask him to take the baby just so I can shower, but even then I feel like it’s too much of a chore for him? I get so mad so I end up most of the time putting baby in the bouncer and taking him with me to the bathroom..
Now time has gone on I’m starting to realise more and more all my partner does not do? I find myself losing my patience at night because my baby fights so hard not to sleep! 7months old with 7teeth and wanting to walk! I get so stressed out and not once does my partner offer to take him or feed him or put him to sleep, 7months and he’s never put his son to bed?? Am I mad or is that just totally out of order?! I get so worked up I just end up ignoring him for days..
My son hardly naps during the day and normally is in the ‘deep’ sleep by 11pm - then up every two hours!!! Normally by then I’ve just finished cleaning the flat ready for the next day.. I feel so lonely and stressed out I just don’t know what to do anymore - I don’t have a strong support network from my family and my handful of friends don’t even have babies yet !! Can anyone just give me some sort of advice on anything, haven’t probably made much sense of it all, I’m just tired 😓

Hi JD27, didn’t want to just read and run!! Today I’ve celebrated my ds’s 14th birthday. He’s my first born. 14 years ago I could have written that exact post. None of my friends had yet had children, husband didn’t seem to understand the stress I was under and I felt my own self identity had vanished. The perfect life I expected to arrive with the perfect bundle never did!! I promise you things will get better. Sleep deprivation is a horrid thing. Try sitting down with your partner and telling him how low you feel. It took my husband quite a long time to bond with my son. He became more involved as he grew older. Fingers crossed he will have some empathy and start helping out a little. Have you tried joining any baby groups? Sometimes meeting new friends in a similar situation helps. Good luck and as I said earlier it does get easier x

Saw - sounds you have a lot on your plate . Active healthy sounding baby - well developed- your are keeping the flat clean - doing a lot for baby and partner it seems but not anything for yourself ?
First things first - see your GP . Secondly find a mother and baby group you can get to easily . Just an hour or so there having a chat to other mums will help I’m sure .
You are not just missing your job - it’s the social side too . Seems like you are doing a good job with the baby - feeling down could also be the time of year which affects a lot of people . Dark nights and falling temperatures- cuddle up on the sofa and have a cup of hot chocolate when you are feeling you need a treat xxxx

Hi Kazza, ah I really appreciate your reply, and I pray you are right, I hope he does start to take interest soon- I’ll end up pulling my hair out otherwise! I am really sleep deprived so I know my emotions are just all over the place! I do go to baby groups but haven’t really managed to connect with anyone properly, I do try to speak to other mums but not one has spoken to me on the level where they may be finding it hard, that’s why I wrote this post to find someone like yourself who has had a similar experience, and I will take your advice and sit down with my partner and just tell him exactly how low I’m feeling and maybe he’ll understand abit more. But thank you anyway, and I hope you’ve had a nice day with your son xxx

It was funny as I was just reflecting on how far we had come in 14 years and then your message popped up. Are you planning on returning to work? I returned at 8 months and I think I benefited from it. It allowed me to be me and also helped me spend quality time with my baby on our days off. Honestly it does get better. Those days seem like a blur now and I couldn’t see me as having a life without being a mum. Keep strong xx

Hi @Majorcollywobble - I feel like there’s a lot on my plate! I just didn’t know how to express it all! And yeah I think I’ll have a chat with the GP also, and I do go to baby groups because I feel as if baby will benefit more than I will but I as I said I suffer quite bad from the anxiety so it’s kind of small talk I have with the other mothers, and plus the majority there brag about how much they are loving it and wanting more and how much their baby sleeps and all I can think is wow, well done, go you🙏🏼! But as they say every baby is different, as you said I think I need a bit of me time and go from there, a big duvet and hot coco sounds like a plan! Thank you for the kind words xx

@kazza446 as I just sent the last message to you I thought as I was hanging a load of washing out, wow okay if she has done what I’m doing and lasted 14 years then yes there is hope! Haha I’m glad you did write and not run, that’s made me feel a lot better and reassured! & yeah I’ll be going back to work each Saturday from now on I think, I think it’s needed for my sanity and for the father to bond with his son! My jobs quite flexible which is handy, I’ll be going back to tattooing so for the hours I am at work I’ll be focused just on that at that time, but thank you for your words they really have helped, and well done to you! Proud mamma moment! All the best for you and your family, thank you again xxx

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel, properly? What does he say? Have you asked him to help?

In an ideal world you shouldn't need to of course but I think it's easy to fall into a pattern, and you need to break this ASAP.

I'd also look into support groups for mums rather than generic baby groups.

Just because everyone is saying it's fine and they're doing great and loving it doesn't mean it's true, incidentally... I was depressed and lonely after DC1 and I told no-one. I put on a front because I felt ashamed and like I'd failed. Big mistake, wish I'd been honest and open.

@nanbread I haven’t sat down with him and poured everything out, but on day to day things when I’m doing everything I’ll make it apparent, and tell him to get up and help me, but majority of the time I have to fight for it or have to ask over and over.. it’s just not getting through, I feel like when i do ask, it’s always “I’ve been working all day I just want to relax” which is when I want to punch him in the face because being a full time mum just over does any job I’d say, not to say his job isn’t tough and tiring but neither is ours! I think I do need to sit down and just explain exactly how I feel and where I’m lacking the extra support- especially the fact he’s never put baby to bed!!
It’s only getting tougher for me because baby is only used to me now it’s like I can never not be there because baby isn’t used to it, I do need to break that cycle!

How do I go about getting the right kind of support group? I’ve explained all to health visitor and she says she’ll get someone in contact with me about extra support but is that what you’re on about ?

How are you coping now with your son? What did you do to cope? And have you over come all of that? I’m just glad there are networks like this to help mothers who are struggling, it’s nice to know there are people out there battling the same kind of demons x

The 1st year is so hard. My oldest is 12 but your post takes me right back. Your husband needs to take the baby - even if its just for a shower. I used to go out for a coffee by myself every Saturday- I think I would have gone insane without it. Could you cut back on the cleaning at all? Lots of love - it does get better I promise.

@JD27 my husband was really supportive which obviously helped, and going back to work part time saved my sanity even though I didn't love my job. I needed to feel like me again. I also took up running, it meant I had half an hour 3-4 times a week just for me.

I live in a city with lots of organisations specifically for struggling mums and dads / those with PND so I'm lucky, not sure where you live but maybe look up homestart groups? Your HV or GP should know.

I had a very hard time with DC2 for other reasons, so it's taken me a long time to feel ok tbh, DC1 is now almost 7. I'm still not 100%, I get anxious and depressed but day to day I'm ok, but feel like I never properly dealt with how I was feeling and it still looms over me. I wish I'd sorted it out then and enjoyed more of the last 7 years. There are still days I feel like I'm failing.

I'm planning finally to get proper long term counselling and I think it could really help you to talk through your birth trauma and what's happening for you now too. All the best x