I have to keep it all private. So how donI heal?

[ihateryansworld]

Ok so dad died 6 months ago. Very suddenly and I found him. I tried to resuscitate him but I couldn't. It didn't look like my dad there. I have a mother and a sister who have both found his passing very difficult and needed lots of support. I have had to put my business on hold and also spend lots of time with mum who is not in great health herself.

My own grieving has taken a back seat and I have put those feelings away in a box. I have 3 kids at home and they were all gutted to loose grandpa and my husband works away so I needed to keep it together for them.

I have started having dreams. Eg. Last night I dreamt I was at mum and dads house and a lady he used to work with came to visit. She asked were dad was and Insaid he's in the conservatory in his seat. She goes off to look for him returning to say he's not there. Then I remember he has died and I have to tell her. I get upset and then I waken hysterical. It's affecting my sleep now and I am struggling at night.

Is there anything I can do to stop these dreams. I can't be tired in the day. The kids and mum and sister all rely on me.

All advice appreciated.

How awful for you. What a dreadful burden to bear on your own. You definitely need an outlet; you can't just bottle it all up. Do you have the resources to speak to a counsellor?

See if you can contact your local Cruse bereavement care centre. They may be able to offer counselling for you, giving you a time and space for you to grieve.
But they may also be able to lend support to the rest of your family too helping to lighten the load for you.
They were wonderful for my Mum when my Dad passed suddenly.

Can you engage a hv to help with your mums health issues - perhaps they could suggest carers to come and help out. What's the story with your sister? Why do you need to carry her along? She should be helping with your mum too and not leaving it all to you - that is unless she's very young or has additional needs. You need to get back to work and take little steps back, to enable them to start managing their lives again. You all need to take responsibility for your own grief and they shouldn't rely too heavily on you. As long as you make yourself available they will continue to rely on you. It's harsh but you have your kids to look after and you can't be everything to everyone.

I was the exactly the same when my Dad died, and I work with bereaved clients, so I see this a lot.

Make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to grief counselling.

My counsellor was life changing - as well as giving me someone to talk to, and cry to, she explained the science behind it. It's trauma as well as grief, hence the dreams. Your brain is trying to process it all, and getting stuck.

I'm sorry . That must have been incredibly traumatic for you.

It sounds like you could benefit from some bereavement counselling, which you can organise from your GP.

What does a counsellor do? Will she help with my sleep issues?

Please don’t think you have to hold it in. My dad died 2 months ago and it’s been horrific. Obviously in work situations, I’ve had to hold it together, but otherwise, I’ve been in bits quite often. Holding it in is not healthy. Please do seek help to talk it through if you can’t with your dh/family.

The counsellor will talk things through with you, give you the space to talk about anything important to you and, hopefully, also some strategies to deal with sleeping.

It might also be worth, in the short term, asking for your GP for some medication to help you sleep.

So far you have been amazingly strong and together- for everyone else. Now it is time to do what you need, not what everyone else needs. Your sister can take over supporting your mum, you cannot do it all.

Please contact someone, there are good suggestions above. Healing yourself shows great strength, you need to prioritise this now.

Ok I'm going to look at cruise or some sort of concealing. My mother and sister have both been referred by the GP and are waiting on appointments so I'll look at going privately.

My sister is barely functioning so she can't look after mum. She is a single women who has lived on her own a long long time and is massively selfish. She has made it clear that this can not impact on her life as she is fragile.

I imagine if I go privately I will have more say over when the appointments are and I'll be able to fit them
Into my life as it is.

Thanks for your advice all of you. My business as usual facade is starting to slip a bit through tiredness so I need to sort this.

My concern is that it's going to be a shock to my husband etc as they all think I'm doing so well.