How to encourage teenager to be more punctual

[Clutterfreeintraining]

I am having an ongoing battle with ds about punctuality. I think it's important, ds not so much (at all!).

He's in yr13 and it seems to be the root of all his current issues at school. I've tried several times to offer advice/suggestions without outright telling him to get there earlier - I have tried telling him to get there earlier but he switches off and stops listening to me.

He's always been a good student. I've never heard a bad word against him from any of his teachers but I have a sinking feeling this year is going to unravel around him from things he's telling me. He has no idea what he wants to do next year and it's making him unmotivated and as a result of that, has no inclination to turn up on time.

Form time and assembly appear to optional for many students (it's not) but ds always attends (albeit 5 minutes late). He comes home if he has a free lesson but invariably ends up being 5 minutes late back.

Please someone give me suggestions to get him to be there on time or at least see the importance of punctuality generally.

Bonus points for ideas of what to do next year - he's adamant he doesn't want to go to university.

I've made an appointment with his HOY (I have a few concerns) for next week. I'm hoping they'll have some pointers for getting him through this year.

Year 13? I wouldn't bother... He's an adult and can deal with the consequences himself. Does he have a job? Maybe he needs one?

My concern is he'll end up leaving school altogether and for various reasons, I think it would be so much more beneficial for him to complete this year, not least so he can have a good crack at his exams.

Yes, he has a job. Has done for about 2 years.

I don’t think you can do anything. And I don’t think his punctuality is related to whether or not he drops out - you need to impress upon him that his decisions now will impact his future, so while you can’t force him, he needs to clearly weigh up the pros and cons.

My mum asked my teachers to report back to her when I was late or bunked off my sixth form classes. It was infuriating. Especially because the time I had to go home as I’d bled through all my clothes I was both penalised at school and bollocked by my mum, even though I went back!

ActualHornist - that sounds very unfair. Did your mum know the reason you had to go home?

Ds is getting pulled up on being late and then getting wound up by it, making him feel negative about being there at all. He's offering all this information himself, rather than coming from school (who would certainly be in touch if he wasn't turning up at all, not completing work or wearing incorrect uniform) and whilst I appreciate his version will be biased, I do feel some of the things he's getting told off for are a little unnecessary in yr13, especially given his previously good track record in school. I've tried a few times to point out if he turned up on time he'd avoid getting into the situations that have recently arisen but he just doesn't see it.

His year group have experienced an awful lot of trauma over the last two years and I do think the school are picking at things that should maybe be overlooked given the circumstances. However, I do see the school have standards to maintain and a good example to set.

And yes, I've been trying to explain how important punctuality is in life in general. I need a different approach though

Year 13 - natural consequences is best, I think.

Can I recommend an apprenticeship, they can be excellent in demonstrating why hard work is valuable, and they pay!

Thanks. I agree re apprenticeship and ds is open to it too. He just needs to work out what type.

Yep she knew and didn’t care. I think she panicked - I was a ‘good’ student in that I was never in trouble and all my GCSEs I got a B or higher, but I was lazy and that didn’t translate well into A levels! But really there was no excuse for that. It just made me resentful.

Does he have the strategies to manage his time such as working backwards from arrival time through the stages of getting ready including contingency time (admittedly this is something I stuff up regularly through forgetting stages such as parking up and paying and displaying and end up eating up contingency time)

How is his organisation generally? Is his working memory generally good or problematic? Sometimes difficulties can show up at this stage when young people take on more independence and responsibility

ActualHornist - I'm not surprised it made you resentful! What an horrible experience

Shiny - I suggested working backwards to calculate how much time he needed to get ready but it seems to be more a case of him not seeing the importance of being on time.

I just had to google 'working memory' - I think I may have more of a problem with this than ds!! Ds seems to cope well with school work and learning in general. Is that what you mean?

What kind of trauma op? Maybe it's a response to that? Maybe the environment is tainted or toxic or something and this is a kind of response to that.
Is he on time for work?

DonPablo - Three deaths from his year group.

We had a really good talk about it yesterday and I do understand his frustrations. There seems to be a split in the approach the 6th form teachers take - some treat them like adults and others treat them like small children and this is what Ds is struggling with. I've tried to emphasise that he just has to get through the next few months.

Yes, he gets to work on time because he sees the importance of that - won't get paid or will lose his job.

I want him to see that turning up to school on time is also important but he doesn't see how form time is of any benefit to him.

Ah, so he's not a tardy person, he just doesn't want to go to school, which actually, after what you've said about the trauma and the different approach of some teacher lm not surprised. Bless him. Has he had any grief counselling?

I wouldn't push this time keeping thingwith him, he needs someone to give him a break and to totally understand where he is at with it all.

You've not explained why it's important to turn up to school on time, you say yourself:

Form time and assembly appear to optional for many students (it's not)

but it seems to be, school has procedures for dealing with absence, he's not triggering it, this really isn't anything you need to get involved in, it's between him and the school.

You're concerned about his future, and this "getting to registration on time" seems to be something you're focusing on rather than what actually impacts his future.

DonPablo - it's not even that he doesn't want to go to school. It's mostly form time and a compulsory subject that he's objecting. He's refused any form of counselling.

Sirfred - my worry is that he is getting wound up by teachers telling him off for being late and it escalating - if he turned up on time there would be nothing for the teachers to pull him up on. Assembly and form are compulsory.

Leave him to it, one day he'll be late and there will be enough consequence that he isn't late again. It isn't worth wasting your breath with a yr 13, they need to find their own way.

Well, I lost my best friend in year 12. I don't even remember much of year 13, I was a fucking wreck. I would just let this pass. I don't even know if my mum knew when I was supposed to be where at that age. It was my thing to sort.

I fucked up my A levels in a big way really. Im OK now. I got to university, got a good job, have retrained since and now I'm an academic! But I had to do what I had to do. Try to let it go, honestly.

Don - sorry you went though all that but glad you achieved what you wanted.
I know my mother would definitely have had no idea where I was meant to be and when at this age either - infact, I'd moved 250 miles from home by ds' age. I try not to micro-manage and try very hard not to project my own childhood issues but not always successfully. I've become quite anxious about a lot of things since the first death and can see this is maybe at play in this situation so will back off and let him work it out.

I'm not surprised you're anxious actually. It's a stressful time already, having a teenager growing up and becoming an adult, without the trauma added in.

Does he know its affected you at all? Do you think counselling could help you and your ds might see the value in it then?

Thanks for the condolences. It almost doesn't feel real all these years later. I rarely talk about it these days. I was just surprised by how similar it sounded. Hope you're both ok/going to be OK.

Did you have counselling at the time? Or after? I encouraged ds to speak to someone when there was a team at the school but he was adamant he didn't need to talk to anyone so I focussed on non-talking alternatives. He's had a few episodes since and I've offered again to arrange for him to talk to someone but he always refuses. I have considered finding someone to talk to myself regarding that and other family issues. I thought I had it all straight in my own head but this last week feels like the walls are closing in so probably time to seek professional help.
Ds does talk to me a lot about all sorts and I'm probably a bit too open about my feelings sometimes but he seems to be quite emotionally mature - far more switched on that I ever was.