What is wrong with my child

[Hortuslover]

Good morning all,

I am starting this thread in pure desperation.
I am really struggling with my near 5 year old boy.
I don’t even know where to start so I’ll bullet point the daily struggles;

• he is aggressive to me, his dad and siblings and thinks nothing of punching kicking us all.
• he has an atrocious temper but can switch it on and off when ever it suits but can fly off the handle so easily
• screams over us when we try and discipline him
• no amount of discipline works, he just doesn’t care
• some days he can walk into school without a problem but then just decide he’s not going in and has to be physically taken in by teachers, this morning he threw his water bottle into the bushes, threw his coat and bag and ran off. We make a fuss when he does go in fine and reward him with small treats
• he is very set in his ways, say if he gets something new, he has to leave them in the packet for example a new pair of socks, he kicks off when he has to wear them as he wants to keep them in the packet so as something as easy as getting him to get dressed is a chore as he just refuses sometime because he wants to keep things new and clean
• thinks nothing of waking every one when ever he wants to get up. Youngest ds is still in with us but he deems it acceptable to come in to our room and just switch lights on and doesn’t care when we try to explain to him that he can’t do that
• I don’t think he’s sleeping very well and looks exhausted, he has bad dreams which results in refusal to go back to bed in the middle of the night and screams until he get his own way, in the middle of the night we don’t even know what else to do
• in general he’s just so loud and dominant

There’s probably so much more but I’m conscious of it being too long.
I’ve considered going to my health visitor, she seems nice enough but I feel just a little uncomfortable around her (it’s probably me) but I don’t feel I could sit and relay my worries to her.

Not sure taking him to the gp would help?

For context, I can’t seem to think there’s been anything to create this behaviour from him, he’s 1 of 4 and none of the others are like him. I am worried though that his younger brothers will start copying his behaviour. We do deal with him immediately, he gets lots of 1:1 time, plenty of outdoor time, goes to bed early enough with a regular bedtime routine.

I am at my wits end.
Maybe these things aren’t too bad? I just don’t know anymore.

I’m open to further questions if there’s crucial things I’ve missed out and I’d appreciate anyone’s advice or suggestions.

With the eczema, ear problems and general illness in addition to the poor behaviour, I would look to diet - I.e. dairy, gluten, fodmap etc and see if you find any improvements in temperament with dietary exclusion. He may be feeling unwell or in pain and this could result in less emotional resilience generally. If you notice a correlation, you should be able to get testing through the gp. Good luck.

fia101 ASD presents differently in girls, I'd say there are definitely some sensory issues going on and some repetitive behaviour too. Definitely read up on it.

everything has to be just so or the tantrum melt down is epic. She's been like this since ages 2
Very rigid thinking and rigidity in expectations can cause problems when the expected thing doesn't happen - as you know!
Sometimes if it's possible, do try and introduce a third element into the expectations, so if there's a difference in the expected outcomes, she'll be prepared for it.

There are a couple of points about 'the system' that most people don't realise. Lots of people aren't prepared for the lengthy NHS diagnostic system or support or lack of support in schools, it's not plain sailing for everyone.
NHS referral to diagnosis times are running at 18 months to 2 years in most areas of the UK. Sometimes parents wait until they think they are positive their child should be assessed, then find there's a void whilst they wait all that time for an initial appointment. It can be much longer than 2 years if they have a paed/Ed Psych who likes to wait and see for another 6 months several times.

Some schools are supportive and will put interventions into place without a diagnosis. It should happen this way, it should be needs based, but in practise many parents find this doesn't happen, then there's a huge variety of things some schools will and won't do and at the end of that scale some will refuse to believe a parent and do absolutely nothing to help a child until there's a formal diagnosis and even then, some don't or won't comply even when there's an EHCP in place.

You have to learn how to advocate for your child to make sure their needs are met, sometimes you have to be That Parent. SNChat and SNChildren boards are a good resource.

OP you’ve not mentioned anything about your lo’s social communication, yet pp’s Seem to jump straight to autism based on a list of what is perfectly possibly typical behaviour.

Autism is a social communication disorder, does your child have difficulties with his social communication?

I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your advice and experiences, it’s helped immensely.

Sorry, I didn’t make myself clear earlier with regards to eczema, ear problems etc. They are for different children. One of kids has eczema and is now finally under a paed derm nurse.
The child I’m referring to in this thread is the one with ear problems. He’s had tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy and grommets and is still under ent. And youngest d’s has recently had croup so I feel I’ve spent a lot of time at the gp, having to be persistent and one particular gp makes me feel like I’m being dramatic and seeing things that aren’t there.

Pinky..please could you be a little bit more specific with regards his social communication, just so I can answer it properly.

I’ve been wanting to post this for quite some time now and I’ve just been convincing myself that it’s just his personality!!

I honestly can’t thank you all enough.

Thank you dusty, knowing it won’t always be like this is reassuring. He’s got so many good qualities, he’s got a cracking sense of humour and gets some humour I wouldn’t expect him to just yet.

He definitely cannot control his emotions, unpredictable outbursts are a regular occurrence.

I feel awful today as he was kicking off this morning and he just wanted me to go in with him, but I said no as the other day he went in fine. Most of the other children go in alone and wave to their parents at the door. And because he’s had days where he’s been fine, by refusing to go with him was my way of encouraging him and reassuring him he could actually go in alone.

After half term, I’ll make sure both me and dh follow his lead in terms of whether he needs us to go in with him in future. I don’t want to exacerbate his feelings.

Ive been thinking about this all day..and this scenario has just come to me;

Say he has pda (I only suggest that because he seems to fit it so well) how do I determine whether he’s struggling and it being part of the pda, or whether he’s just being a typical naughty 5 year old?

I was going to say PDA given that he has presented with traits since being very young. Could be sensory overload. Have you looked at traits of Asperger’s/high functioning autism ?

I’ve not really looked into anything before today. It has slightly crossed my mind before, but I think asd is such a broad spectrum I didn’t even know where to start. I’ll start doing a bit more reading and I’ll certainly be making a gp appointment. I’ll also be assessing mine and dh’s approach to him. I know what anxiety can feel like so if there’s anything at all we can do to alleviate some of his anxieties and worries then we will.

Many thanks BlankTimes it's much appreciated. I'll try your suggestion

You're welcome fia101
Anything with seams that dig in, like socks, get turned inside out for comfort. There are specialist suppliers of seamless clothing if it gets to be a very big problem.

how do I determine whether he’s struggling and it being part of the pda, or whether he’s just being a typical naughty 5 year old?

Awareness of his particular needs and triggers, which takes time and observation. Sometimes even the professionals can't make an instant judgement on that. PDA isn't diagnosed as a stand-alone condition it's diagnosed alongside autism.
In your favour, you have two other boys and I'd guess have seen their friends at that age too, plus your son's age peers. I know ordinary behaviour varies wildly at that age anyway, but now you have another perspective, it will allow you to stop and think before assuming he's just behaving in a "naughty" way.
Don't beat yourself up about it, none of us get it right all the time, even those of us who have had a couple of decades of experience children change, some things that seriously affect them at 5 are no longer an issue at 7, some new triggers come along and you deal with those, it's constantly evolving, but it's not all bad, you can learn and progress together.

Social communication and social interaction - how does he interact with his peers? Does he like to be in charge? Does he get upset if other kids don't follow his 'rules' can he explain his 'rules' easily to other kids and are they happy to play with him being in control? Does he just play alongside rather than with other kids? Is he happy in his own space without company?
Much more here www.autism.org.uk/about/communication/social-children.aspx

Right now, I'd not mention it to friends and family because often they will minimise everything and tell you everything you see is 'perfectly normal at his age' and you're just fussing over nothing and if you weren't a helicopter parent and just stopped mollycoddling him he'd be fine and he wouldn't have any behaviour issues if he lived with them because they'd sort him out.
Every parent who mentions seeking a diagnosis faces that attitude from some friends and family members and if the child is academically able, school can say that sort of crap thing too. They can spectacularly 'not notice' all sorts of things, especially social communication and interaction in the playground.

I know it must seem like a huge change that's come out of nowhere for you to even start considering he may need interventions from you and school in some areas, just take your time and slowly read different articles, watch youtube videos and just put your observations of his differences together then see the GP on your own with the reasons you think he needs a referral for an assessment of his needs.

As mum to a 27 year old with asd and dyspraxia I'd look at high functioning autism and Aspergers as well as pda.

I went to my gp alone and I would take a copy of your OP here so you can remember all his quirks that just quite sit right .

He needs a referral for a multi disciplinary assessment. One thing I will say is these things often overlap, dyslexia, dyspraxia, asd, he may have areas where
You see the strongest traits but my son was seen by Elizabeth Newson who first diagnosed pda as a separate condition in the autistic spectrum. My guess is she will be retired but I wanted someone with specialism in asd.

It’s been a busy afternoon and evening but I’m still watching this thread very closely and appreciate everything. So many things resonate.