Nuisance neighbour - advice needed please

[ActualHornist]

Evening all. I'm writing this on behalf of my 60 year old FIL who is getting really upset and anxious over what could turn into harrassment. I'll lay it out in bullets to make sure I have covered everything:

• he lives in a 1st floor flat alone, has done for 5+ years with no complaints against him
• he works full time, shift work, so is sometimes up and out at 6am and sometimes not back till 1am
• neighbour shares a partition wall, and has only recently moved in - no more than 6 weeks ago

What's happened is that this neighbour, lone woman late 40s early 50s, asked him to not use his tv after 11pm as she could hear it and it was disturbing her. He was mortified and has stopped using his tv without headphones past 11pm. As he does odd shifts sometimes he likes to play xbox or watch a movie in the wee hours, but like I say, he uses headphones for this so as not to disturb.

She has spoken to him once, and posted a letter through his door last week. It is a full typed side of A4, and says that his behaviour is unacceptable, she's getting the council and EH out to assess the noise. She can't cope it is disturbing her life. Worryingly, she has also said that he should review the CPS 'stalking and harrassment' pages as she will not tolerate this. He (and I) have no idea what this refers to. He's obviously not stalking or harrassing her. She has basically told him that her next step if the EH referral doesn't work is to go to the police.

I feel so sorry for him, he's really really upset by this. He's done some decibel testing on his phone, he's going to move his tv round to the other wall - but he can't do anything else. The flat is too small. He's barely there anyway as he also cares for his mum.

I have told him the following:

• keep a log of all contact
• the worst that can happen is that she gets EH out and they'll tell him he's too noisy and he has to do something about it. I think this is unlikely - it's a block of flats in the city after all!

Most of this I've got from googling and here tbh. Am I missing anything? The letter says that she's at the end of her tether - but she won't talk to him past the one and only time she did, he's not been invited in to listen to the disturbing noise, so he has no idea if the fan from the tv (for example) is reverberating really badly.

Anyway, long spiel! Am I missing anything? It sounds to me more like she's starting to harrass him, not the other way round. I'm not sure we're at 'cease and desist' point but FIL is so so worried he's going to be arrested and then we can't even be called as character witnesses because he's discussed it with us .

TIA.

Sometimes it's been hard for us to know which direction a disturbance of any kind is coming from.

She may be experiencing something not actually from his direction, but thinking it is for whatever reason.

I'm not sure what to advise but I hope it's sorted soon.

I'd be inclined to think it's a different neighbour causing the issue and the neighbour hasn't figured it out. Probably worth having it all logged incase it comes to a head. Is the neighbour a tenant or owner?

We're assuming she's a tenant as she moved in so soon after the last one moved out, but unsure. Most of the building is rented (or those that FIL knows anyway).

I've told him to keep a diary - is this a time when the 'log it with 101' is appropriate? I'm thinking not right now, but maybe if it escalates?

There is a family on the other side of FIL, with young children but older than toddlers. But then she hasn't described the sound just that it's bothering her?!

I don’t normally think 101 is the right advice but if she is accusing him of stalking it might be better to to see what the police think.

Hmmm. yes I think you're right. He's off on earlies as of tomorrow, I'll give him a call.

Could you call round for a FriendLy chat and try and establish What exactly the problem is.

If it is just a misunderstanding then it could save your fil a lot of stress.

Of she is batshit, you will have early warning?

@Dollymixture22 I did suggest this but he seemed reluctant. I think he feels like anything is going to be antagonistic tbh, but I'll talk to him again about it.

Does he rent himself? If it's from a housing association it might be worth him speaking to a housing officer and showing them the letter he's received.

He rents but privately. Actually I think that’s a good idea to let the landlord know - at the very least it won’t come as a shock if she does escalate.

Poor chap. Maybe you calling round would be the best plan-obviously not him due to stalking allegations

Ugh why do people move into flats if theyre so sensitive to noise?! Okay it's not a choice for some, but it's part and parcel of living in a flat. I work strange hours, live on a busy street in the city centre. I've had screaming kids, loud sweary drunks, stupid boy racers with backfiring cars and everything else at all hours of the day and night. I also have a very stompy upstairs neighbour who obviously has feet like an elephant. And when he goes to work he slams the main door so hard the building shakes. Every time. My next door neighbour is learning the ukelele (I think) and plays it badly every evening (I think his sofa is up against the wall my bed is against).

I have never complained and never will. If you're sharing walls with someone you can't expect silence. She is nothing more than a bully.

Whilst the council will probably investigate, I doubt it will come to anything. It really is important your poor fil keeps a log of everything as this woman sounds utterly batshit.

I think in the first instance you should call round to see if you can have a chat. find out what and when the noise is occurring. Ideally, if she would let you in, I would see if you can hear anything - get your FIL to put his TV on etc and see how loud it has to get before you can hear it next door etc.

Can your FIL hear any noise from her flat?

I agree with others - it is likely that at least some, if not all the noise is originating from other occupiers.

If he has the TV on her wall then he should definitely move it. I would never have the TV on an outside wall. We had neighbours who did shift work and they thought nothing of making loads of noise at night. Can you try and knock her door and discuss it with her.

He mentioned yesterday that sometimes he can hear his neighbour having a pee in the dead of night, it boggles my mind that someone would move to a flat in the city (seriously, the block is almost on top of a main road) and then complain about the noise from a neighbour.

@KnifeAngel I have said to him the worst that can really happen is that EH tell him to move the tv - he’s not even using it with the speakers tho he’s using headphones all the time he’s so paranoid. Possibly the fan or whatever is reverberating so maybe she’ll let me in to listen. He’s really not keen on that but I think it’ll be a good idea for me to do that.

(He is going to move the tv anyway btw - husband is going over next week to help).

I can definitely sympathise with both your FIL and his neighbour, she should absolutely not be shamed for not liking the noise and she absolutely should not be expected to just accept it as she lives in a flat. It just sounds horrendous to suggest that.

Had the lady come on and described her own experience I'm, sure she that your FIL would have come in for some stick.

I don't think these situations ever resolve themselves without either something changing drastically (think one moving out or wall insulation being added) or without the 2 parties meeting up and coming to an agreement.

If I was your FIL I would drop a short note, firstly apologising that she has been disturbed and then briefly explaining his situation. I would invite her to pop round and hear for herself what was making the noise, how high the volume was etc and state that I'd tried to alleviate as I'm a considerate neighbour and now use headphones etc but that some noise will always be heard.

In my experience there is often a fear of what is happening when you hear noise, of how long it will last and how the person will react if you speak with them. Once people have better relations with neighbours suddenly a lot of the noise that was bothersome doesn't seem so bad and if they've been round and heard that the noise is not significant or malicious they are much better at dealing with it.

Anyway, that'd be my advice. It could be that she is just batshit and there will be no compromise or whatever but then if he knows that then he may think, fuck it, I'm just going about my everyday life in my flat as I'm well entitled to do and this dickhead can just deal with it.

@ SellmeyourMLMcrap I agree with the actions you’ve put forward - but I’m sorry, she can dislike noise as much as she likes but it’s doesn’t mean she’s allowed to make accusations of stalking!

She’s not being ‘shamed’ for anything - it’s being pointed out that noise occurs in living arrangements where other people (and busy roads) are in close proximity. If it’s intolerable, then it’s not a suitable place for her to live. As is suggested on many threads.