I don’t know how to help my anxious, sensitive 10 year old. Very worried about him.

[Wicker527]

Just tucked him into bed and he burst into tears. Says he’s sad in school all the time, he’s worried about getting the work wrong all the the time, worried about dropping into the lower group. None of this pressure is coming from us.

He’s always been a worrier. He’s in year 6 and all I can think is how the hell is he going to cope with secondary school next year?!

I don’t know if this is something I need to get him more support with-gp? Counselling? Is it anxiety/depression or normal school nerves?

He’s been really happy lately, he was full of beans before bedtime and then just crumbled which makes me worried he’s bottling things up.

I fucking hate the education system sometimes, the pressure it puts on kids who just don’t cope well with it is unreal.

There's nothing like "normal school nerves". Please get him help! Kids shouldn't be put through the amount of pressure they do in schools! It's not right and we shouldn't make it normal. It's absolutely abnormal. He needs his workload reduced, he needs to know he is not a failure if it's reduced and if he does it at his own pace. He needs counselling and school should also be notified so they can work with him and do what's best for him. I hope he gets sorted and feels better.

Hmm. My children have done this at various stages. I didnt take the (imo extreme) option of getting counselling.
Ive taken a few different strategies to help my child:

• continued reassurance that I am happy with progress, and crucially, that I dont consider school grades to be the most important thing (I have ALWAYS felt this way myself and honestly see it borne out amongst my friends who are very successful fun people "despite" being the less academic in our group)
• finding ways of making home life stress free, secure and fun. My own home growing up was not a sanctuary. I want home to be cosy, relaxing and supportive.
• enlisting siblings help - this has been a really great outcome for us because both children get something out of it and it has improved their relationship and empathy.
• getting my kids heavily involved in a totally separate out of school activity (e.g scouts/sports/chess or whatever) where they mix with children of different abilities and needs.
• talk to people about it. Other parents in the class, teacher, your own family. They will have wisdom and insight that you may not. Or they may just keep an extra eye out.

In my experience children have fairly rapid peaks and troughs of emotion. I have to keep reminding myself that feeling bad /sad sometimes is fine. Its normal. But I have tried to create an environment (physical and emotional) where its supportive, relaxed and open.

Except for school holidays, weekends and breaks, children spend more time at school than at home. Whatever they're experiencing at school has a major effect on their wellbeing than what you teach them at home. This is where they spend the majority of their time. Of course there are exceptions but I wouldn't trivialise a child's emotions/breakdown and call this "normal" sadness. Anyway... I hope things get better for you all

Thankyou for the replies. I remember school causing me anxiety as a child, I kept mine all bottled up though so I’m pleased that he’s taking to us.

We do have a lovely home life, very calm, lots of security and routine and fun things at the weekend.

I do feel like I’m saying and doing all the right things but I’m not sure how much it’s helping!

I’m going to speak to his teacher tomorrow. He said part of him feeling sad is because he doesn’t sit next to any of his friends in class. I’ll ask if that can change.

I have to keep reminding myself that feeling bad /sad sometimes is fine

I need to remind myself of this. As a mum, it’s heart wrenching to hear your child say ‘I’m sad’. All you want is for them to be happy. This is the first real taste of a sadness that I can’t instantly fix. It’s not a hurt knee or a lost teddy, it feels deeper and I know there’ll be lots more of it throughout his life.

Read up a bit on anxiety in children. There's lots you can do to help and it's not so unusual.

I just wanted to suggest a Big life journal - there's one for younger and one for older kids. We've got one, and it just seems to help start interesting conversations about lots of different and important things.

Good luck 🙂.

Not had time to read all replies, but this book really helped my DS:

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_lj4PDbWS527MW?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Was amazed by how effective it was.

Thankyou! Both books have been ordered. Any other ideas very great fully received. I need to get myself clued up so that I can help him as much as possible.

we have 'worry monsters' in our school that the children can write notes to and leave in its mouth/tummy that seems to help, i also bought one for a TA's daughter who was going through a bit of upset

This sounds a bit like my ds1 who is now in y7 (though he also has asd in the mix). He was recommended a book called starving the anxiety gremlin which he used independently, and does seem to have helped him.

Bedtime does seem to be when this stuff bubbles to the surface. Without being dismissive of what he's bringing up, I try to encourage him to sleep (which he really needs) and then speak in the morning if the worries are still looming.

You can’t fix it all for him, as you realise. Getting the seating changed will help, so he is near friends in class. Talk to the teacher and keep an eye. I expect the half term break will be good too.

Check out Place2Be's website and resources. Really useful.

I’ve found “worry time” to be a help.

DC would get anxious at bedtime so we’d set an amount of time aside to talk about worries. Maybe 5 or 10 minutes. They seemed to like the routine of knowing they had a specific time and place to talk.

I try to always make 20 minutes free at bedtime to chat. My DD will struggle to sleep if she's mulling things over.
Having other activities outside school is also good if friendships are an issue.
Would something like a mindfulness app help? Part of dealing with anxiety is learning how to calm the body too as anxiety makes you feel very wound up.

My son is year six and going through this he is getting a mentor he has also been doing the thrive program

More tears this morning. I’m going to arrange a meeting with his teacher too, with him present so we can talk things through together. It’s a combination of worrying about getting work wrong, getting into trouble and not sitting with his friends. I’m hoping hearing some reassurance from his teacher will help.

I’m looking forward to working through the books we’ve ordered together.

I’m so pleased he’s talking to us and not bottling it up. They are under a lot of pressure. His confidence is on the floor. He’s actually very capable but the things he’s good at (maths) he finds difficult. I always found maths difficult despite getting an A* and doing it at a level. It’s the type of subject where you’re always pushed to a harder level. Another issue is he’s not sporty at all so a lot of his friends can run fast, are good at football etc and you see that instant reward, you feel like a winner when you win the race/score the goal. He joins in but it knocks his confidence every time.

He’s so lovely. Never caused us any trouble. He’s kind and caring and funny. He’s always felt things deeply though. It’s a tough world when you’ve got a sensitive soul.

They are under a lot of pressure

I’m surprised by this - not that I am challenging you, but I just wasn’t aware of academic pressure at school when my son (now 12) was at that age. We are in Scotland, so perhaps the system is different?

I would have been very concerned if I thought school was piling on the pressure re maths and stuff - these are young children! Glad you’re planning to talk to the teacher. Good luck.

Don't underestimate the not sitting near any of his friends comment. If you can get that sorted , you might find his other fears subside. Being anxious and having noone to chat to is not nice.

64snewname thank your lucky stars you’re in Scotland. The academic pressure on kids in England re SATS and endless testing is horrific. In y2 my dd developed headaches during sats (age 7!) which were stress related. Now in y6 the pressure is mounting again.

64sNewName

It’s unbelievable. As an example, he was put in detention on the 2nd week of the new school year because he hadn’t read 6 times in that week. We were told 3 of the reads had to be a ‘read theory’ (a reading test done on the computer). He’d read a book 3 times that week then did the 3 read theories but he did 2 on the same day. This apparently counts as 1 so overall he’d read 5 times =detention.

Another example, if they get less than 10 out of 15 in their weekly spelling test they kept in on Friday to repeat it. He really struggles with spelling, he always tries his best. This thread looms over him all week especially as they have to call their scores out.

I think I need to move to Scotland!

*threat

Bloody hell

I moved here from overseas years ago, btw, which is why I’m so unaware of the English system - apologies for cluelessness.

It does sound extremely stressful for the children.