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Original poster

Heartbreaking. History repeating itself. School, me and my son.

22 replies

cjt110 · 15/10/2019 20:39

I remember being the one on the outside of the groups. Never chosen first.

My son started fine in reception last year. No real issues. Lots of friends etc.

This year in year 1 he has had a rocky start. Lots of upset. At drop offs and also on coming home.

He was sad tonight. My heart broke a little for him.

He told me someone snatched something in class (causing a cut on his finger - nail caught probably) and Mrs S the teacher said she wasn't interested.

And at lunch his friends kept running away from him. I said to tell a teacher. He said he had told them before and they were "not interested" and he was to sit on the friendship bench. He said some girls came up to him to play.

My heart just breaks because he seems sad in year 1 and like it's not happy.

Hes not got the cognition to say that phrase himself and its not something any of us ever say.

I know its tit for tat and par for the course but I'm so sad for him.

I dont know what to do. The teacher has said previously said hes fine when he gets into class but the fact hes telling me at 7pm hes sad strikes me.

OP posts:

Original poster

cjt110 · 15/10/2019 21:54

Hopeful bump

OP posts:

Horehound · 15/10/2019 21:57

Oh poor sausage. Can you speak to the school to ask the teachers to actually look out for him and actually show interest?
Can you arrange some play dates with a couple of others boys at the weekend? Maybe just one boy actually and maybe then they will pal about at school.
I'd try that first and if no improvement I'd consider moving schools if you can?

Gwlondon · 15/10/2019 22:01

Keep talking to his teacher. They have loads of methods. Especially
As he is upset at drop off.
It will be ok. Just the right people need to know.

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LoyaltyBonus · 15/10/2019 22:02

I had something similar with DS1 (now a happy sociable 18yo). I cried about it which seems ridiculous now.

The things I learned were:

for the small stuff children really are best left to work it out between themselves, which is what the "not interested" teacher is doing. Thats how they learn

young children (especially boys, if we're allowed to say that) aren't bothered about having special friends, so long as there are people they can play with on any given day. Your concerns about him being part of a group are yours, not his (as they were mine) don't make them his.

It's OK, even necessary for kids to feel a bit sad sometimes. It's how they build resilience and how we all know to appreciate the good times.

jellycatspyjamas · 15/10/2019 22:15

young children (especially boys, if we're allowed to say that) aren't bothered about having special friends,

That’s not been the case with my DS at all, he has a group of friends, but he has a very special best friend who literally means the world to him and, tbh it’s that friendship that helps him cope with usual falling in/falling out stuff that small children do. They met in pre-school and are both now nearly 7 so 3 years of special friendship.

Not all children need that, but some really do.

Howmanysleepsnow · 15/10/2019 22:19

It’s not history repeating OP, it’s one month. You’ve been there, you’ve learnt from it. Use that. Talk about how it was for you, how you felt, what ways you found to deal with it. My dd was crippling you shy (like me) and struggled. Although I never really overcame my shyness, I was ideally placed to skill her up to manage hers. She’s 13 now and much more confident and happier than I was at that age .

Theredjellybean · 15/10/2019 22:22

Have you clarified his version of events with teacher?
My dd said all that and more at that age.. Her teacher laughed and next day showed me video clips of my d right in thick of playground fun.. That evening d cried and said she'd sat all on her own at playtime.

Hotcuppatea · 15/10/2019 22:23

That's great advice there from LoyaltyBonus. Especially the bit about being aware of how much these are issues left over from your childhood. Try your hardest not to project on to him. And if you haven't already, encourage an interest in football. Boys can always join in with a football match at school.

zelbazinnamon · 15/10/2019 22:24

I was worried about my eldest in R and Y1. She’s now a socially mature 11 year old who makes friends easily. It’s too early to panic Op.

Nomorepies · 15/10/2019 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Troilusworks · 15/10/2019 23:04

I always had the same worries but it turned out okay and my son is making friends at Uni and is happy.

The difference is that I gave a lot of support to my son. Introduced him to lots of situations and people. Encouraged him to be friendly to others but happy with his own company.

There are children who make friends effortlessly. But it doesn't mean that our shyer children won't find their own level.

carriemathisonshandbag · 15/10/2019 23:43

I totally get this OP. I went through similar at school and have seen it happening to my 5 year old DD. The other day she said "I don't think I'll going to be able to have any children mummy, because I don't think anyone will want to marry me" . I hope things improve for your DS. Children do come and go through primary, and it might be that the special friend just hasn't appeared yet.

ChicCroissant · 15/10/2019 23:55

I would caution you not to transfer your own experience of school on to him, OP. You've obviously already spoken to the teacher which is good. What does he do outside school, it can be good to have a different group to meet up with?

ShippingNews · 16/10/2019 05:05

My DS was like that at the same age. I got him into playing sport outside of school, and Beavers . He had the opportunity to meet other kids in a smaller setting, and some of them were at school with him. The friendships from outside, translated to his school experience and from then on he was fine. I'd highly recommend outside activities for any child who is struggling socially.

Mummaofmytribe · 16/10/2019 05:17

One of my DC was coming home saying he had no-one to play with, nobody liked him. Would have been age 6/7 (this is years ago). I spoke to the teacher who assured me was exaggerating.
I wasn't satisfied by this, as my DC seemed so unhappy in the evenings.
Anyhoo, I walked down to school at lunch the next day and had a peek over the fence. Couldn't see DC and stomach dropped thinking he must be sat alone somewhere.
Then I heard his distinctive loud voice. He was roaring with glee in the midst of a game of British bulldog. I hadn't seen him because there were so many kids around him.
This may not at all be the case with your DC but with mine it was a real eye opener. I don't think it was a coincidence I'd recently had a baby so I think it was his way of getting my undivided attention.
I'd been secretly in tears the night before thinking of my lonely child.

Original poster

cjt110 · 16/10/2019 07:56

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies. He's not the loudest but certainly not the quiet one. Shy in new situations at times but generally ok. I think that's why its upset me.

He does 2 after school clubs. One at school and one outside of school where some of his school mates attend.

I think it's the not interested comment that's really got to me. Someone saying they aren't interested when hes upset.

OP posts:

aweedropofsancerre · 16/10/2019 08:00

Wouldn’t get stressed at this stage. My DS told me regularly when he started in pre school that he had no friends and no one likes him. Had a chat with his teacher who was able to explain the reality of his school day. He fleeted between groups and was well liked. So I didn’t make a big issue out of it and spoke about what he was doing at school and not about ‘friends’.

Abstractedobstructed · 16/10/2019 08:04

The teacher said she wasn't interested in a small mark on his finger made by another child grabbing materials that your son interprets as a snatch.
This is a tiny incident in a busy school day. Hundreds of 5 year olds are still learning to share and take turns with the equipment and the injury, such as it is, was clearly an accident and nothing to do with whether or not anyone likes your son.

He needs to learn to not attribute intention to these situations and shrug them off better. Tell him "Freddie probably just wanted to use the glue and caught you by accident, it's not a serious problem, next time remind him to take turns and share".

As a teacher in this situation the most I would have done is told your ds to run it under the tap and reminded Freddie to be careful and wait his turn. It has nothing to do with whether your son is a victim of anything, surely you see that?

Original poster

cjt110 · 16/10/2019 08:11

I dont think hes a victim at all @Abstractedobstructed and have just spoken to him about sharing and taking turns and to go and speak to the teacher if needs be.

I'm more concerned about his upset.

Hoping it's a one off rubbish day for him yesterday and he comes bounding in tonight.

Have also told him that it doesn't matter what the friendship group "leader" says.. eg not to play with girls. That he can do what he likes and if friends are running away, to sit on the friendship bench and to go and play with whoever's comes to be kind.

I suppose I just remember school being a lonely time for me and worry its the start of something for him. Which I realise on reading the replies above it's quite common. Still sad to see him so sad.

Bloody school! No way would I do it again lol

OP posts:

Oddsocks2 · 16/10/2019 08:52

Op take it as a positive that your son can talk to you about his bad day. He is venting to you. My ds1 does this and I do empathise, it can leave you feeling anxious, particularly if you have had bad experiences yourself. When ds1 used to come home with this sort of stuff, I’d panic a little. Now by ds3 I don’t get quite so worked up (always). It’s good to listen, sympathise, offer lots of comfort & cuddles. Let him know that although he’s not happy about it, the situation is manageable & that he can work through it. Reassure him that he is a worthwhile person & give him tips on things he can try if it happens again. eg Can he find someone else who is playing on their own?

Original poster

cjt110 · 16/10/2019 09:13

Thanks @Oddsocks2

OP posts:

justintimberlakesfishwife · 16/10/2019 09:21

Oh you poor things! The "not interested" comment may have been his interpretation of what was said. My youngest DC often has gripes against school staff / sports coaches etc when he perceives that they did not react in the right way / provide enough sympathy when he's been "wronged". Now I'm not saying that I think he lies, but I do think he exaggerates quite a lot! I offer sympathy, and to speak to the person involved, but I very rarely need to follow this through.
Go and have a chat with the teacher and let them know how he's feeling. They can hopefully keep an eye on him and give him support if they see any friendship niggles. Good luck

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