DD likely to be on the spectrum - coping strategies please?

[Bunnylady53]

Our situation is complex as DD10 is adopted & has attachment disorder plus sensory issues but we are increasingly feeling that she may be high functioning autistic as well. There is a 2 year wait for an official diagnosis so our family therapist suggested we maybe start to treat her as if she is autistic ( attachment disorder is very similar so we would be going down that route anyway). I would welcome any strategies that you guys find helpful with your “ Aspie girls”, although apparently Aspergers no longer exists. DD is really struggling & her self esteem is at rock bottom. We so want to help her & deal with things differently.

Go on a parenting course if you're offered one, it turned things around for us. Don't see it as a reflection on you, it'll give you strategies to help!

One of the best things I was taught to help was to validate my DDs feelings rather than to negate them, which was my natural instinct. So when she was saying "I hate myself, I'm the worst kid in the world and I wish I was dead" (she's only 6) my instinct was to say "No you're not, you're lovely, don't say that". They taught me to say "I'm sorry you feel like that, it must be hard to feel like that, would you like a hug?". She reacts so differently now, it's amazing.

I am the parent of a son with ASD and have worked s a one to one LSA with a 10 year old girl with ASD.

IME anxiety is the biggest issue so you need very calm clear confident parenting and lots of looking for successes, however small..

The girl I worked with frequently struggled with managing simple tasks and used to cry hysterically over small things when I started. She was quite academically able so my policy was to look over her shoulder and e.g listen to her read for a bit or talk about the task and then say X you've got this, you don't need me. I'm going to listen to some kids who need a bit more help than you and then pop back in ten minutes. I'd then come back in 10 minutes but only to praise her and then step away again. Then I spent a lot of time reminding her how well she had done on previous tasks.

We also kept an achievement book of all the tings she had done well and a huge bag of stickers and glitter pens to write it up with. Everything from not asking for help for ten minutes to lining up without crying. I used to ask her to show it to teachers, her mum and anyone I thought would be supportive and she loved that.

We also spent time talking about things so she had a vocabulary for feelings and could start to understand motivations for the way other kids behaved.

I worked with her for six months and everyone agreed her anxiety had largely disappeared and she flourished academically.

No-one wants to feel they can't cope, it is scary. Over the six months we changed her view of herself as someone who couldn't to someone who could.

If she has a special interest in something make sure she gets plenty of time to focus on that.

I can't recommend this organisation enough because it's mainly for but not exclusively for girls & women on the ASC spectrum. There's a lot of advice, resources and webinars on there. It was founded by Alis Rowe who was diagnosed at 23 years old.
thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

Fellow adopter here. Neither of my 2 have aspergers though one has overlaps and both have SpLD.

Pick a suitable secondary school with good pastoral care and a flexible attitude to things. When she goes to secondary, scaffold as much as needed which is likely to be way more than the average.

Validate her right to be different and if relevant not to conform to gender stereotypes.

Support her with social skills.

Always remember that every child with autism is different, so don't worry about the things on general lists that don't apply to her, just deal with whichever presentations she has and know they will probably change over time. Some things that are a huge issue now won't cause her distress in another 5 years. Other things may also come and go, just take them in your stride.

Read as much as you can, not just about ASD but all its co-morbids so you're aware of the different presentations of different conditions.

This pdf sensory booklet is a great source of information for a varied age group. www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

Work with her to provide examples of someone doing something differently yet getting a great result and emphasise over and over and over, different does not mean wrong. Different can be successful. Different can be innovative. There is often more than one way to achieve a goal.

Read up on executive function and processing speed, she may have difficulties in these areas and teachers are quick to assume she'd need to make more effort when in fact she couldn't help the actions she was taking. It should be included in any assessments she's going to have, but if not, do ask for her to be tested in those fields too.

This is hardly ever addressed at a professional level yet it affects so many kids and adults with AN. Their emotional age is way below that of their age peers, teachers and family members are often critical, immature is about the least critical comment but it can bounce onto you that you need to teach her resilience, it's your fault, she's babied and you need to stop mollycoddling etc. Load of cobblers. Stop this in its tracks, children with AN often present as emotionally about two thirds of their chronological age.

This is nice to look at together, the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Is low self esteem always part of autism? Again it’s not straightforward with DD because of the attachment issues etc. She is incredibly hard on herself & it breaks my heart cos she’s only 10 😢

I don't think its part of HF but it is very common because the children are intelligent and soon become aware they are struggling with things their peers cope with easily and they are struggling with social skills and friendships which may make them feel unlikable. So they may well need help to feel good about themselves despite the challenges they face.

I would say the low self esteem is a consequence. I’m autistic and one of the hardest parts before I got down diagnosed was wondering why I found things difficult that other people found easy.

Without knowing that there was a diagnosed reason, I summised that I must just be inferior to most of my peers. When I had a diagnosis it changed my thinking as I understood that there was a reason I struggled and actually that reason made me have strengths that others didn’t have also.

Definitely do some research; you seem to have the right idea. If your daughter is autistic, she is autistic whether or not you have a formal diagnosis and a good understanding of the condition can really help.

Yes, low self-esteem's very common, not helped by her peers pointing out her differences in speech, communication, immaturity, gross and fine motor skills and anything else they could taunt her with all day every day at school in my dd's case.

These days most schools don't tolerate that, if it happens, please make sure it's nipped in the bud for your dd.

@VondaVomin - your post nearly made me cry. My DS (7) is on the pathway o either an ASS/ADHD diagnosis and has terrible anxiety. It is a bit of a battle with the school - oh what I would give for sometime like you supporting him!

@Bunnylady53 I think that is what I would also bear in mind - some schools can be excellent at supporting, others not. I trusted/believed my DS’s school for too long. It has taken me a while to truly be my son’s advocate. Also to keep school in perspective. Sorry not really on point!

Also a fan of the Curly Hair Project, some fantastic books/resources.

My DD needs more praise/validation/encouragement than her more naturally resilient siblings. She still finds friendships and social relationships tricky. I suspect she spends lunchtimes at homework club or in the library but she is blissfully happy in a very small mainstream secondary where everyone knows her. They have an amazing SENCo which makes a huge difference.

For her, diagnosis gave her a peg to hang her differences and difficulties on, and that helped her self esteem/worth.

She has achieved things this term that she would not have been able to even contemplate without a meltdown this time last year. Your daughter will continue to grow and develop, but in her own time.