Does anyone else really hate themselves?

[CannotCopeWithIt]

I have noone to talk to about the way I really feel about myself. I guess I am ashamed to speak to people about it.

The thing that I hate about myself is that I am too quiet/ shy . I literally freeze when I'm in asocial situation esp in new situations. Since I could remember I have hated being like this and have wanted to not live because of it. I do have social anxiety and I have never known a life without it. I wish I was someone else.

I am sure I must come across rude/ disinterested/ unfriendly/ aloof but I so desperately want to talk to people and chat and just be bloody normal. Instead I am just socially awkward and I hate myself for it. I honestly don't know how I can live like this. Id rather be dead. This is no way for someone to live.

Op, I don’t think I actually decided that I would like myself. I decided I would accept myself for what I was, and the product of my experiences and upbringing, which was possibly aspergers (have aspergers child), socially awkward, not that many friends etc, bullied extensively at school.

Every time I had a negative thought about myself I’d repeat in my head that I accepted myself and that who I was was the result of my genetics and experiences. That way I broke the negative cycle of mulling over the days events and every little aspect of my social interaction.

Liking myself, I think took more time to develop, but Is a natural progression from self acceptance. I also tell posters frequently on here to be kind to themselves. You wouldn’t speak to someone in the way that you speak to yourself in your head.

Be kind to yourself op. Best of luck with moving on.

@CannotCopeWithIt I feel like this too at the moment that I can't see it improving. Mines being worse since the kids started school and doing he school runs, the youngest has just started reception so it's back to all the parents making friends and me feeling on my own.
I also struggle with work as I sometimes have to be in situations where it's a party or something similar which I can't even do on my own after having a few drinks never mind sober and working. the build up to knowing i have to do it is horrendous.

please try and get help with the suicidal feeling. It is so shit we suffer from this debilitating condition but Hate the social anxiety not you as a person as it doesn't define us. I'm sure you are lovely.

Op I'm also socially awkward, unless I "click" with someone which is rare. I hate it, and wish I could do chit chat and putting people at their ease - but this foible isn't "me", it isn't who I am underneath. It may not often come across but I know I'm compassionate, kind and a decent person underneath, as are you. You can still be kind to yourself - you don't have to hate yourself. You can acknowledge that yes there is this thing that people are expected to do that you're not good at. You can work on it and possibly improve - I have a bit (middle-aged and still trying to crack it!). But you can also praise and value yourself for what you are good at and remember it takes all sorts.

Remember people who can do that social thing easily, and always know what to say in a social situation, are not necessarily therefore all sorted and happy. I know someone who's brilliant at it and has loads of friends - but they are all quite shallow and he struggles a lot with meaningful relationships, maybe because he's so good at the surface stuff, it's hard to relate to the real "him" IYSWIM. It's not the be-all and end-all.

and for you because I know how it feels, but I also bet you have really good qualities too.

(Also, maybe as you get older you give less of a shit. I used to be upset that I might come across as aloof or intimidating because I'm shy and awkward. Now I tend to think "well whatever, it's not the worst thing I could be". I'm not a queen bee cliquey type or a gossip. I'm not a criminal or cruel. Lots and lots of people feel like this, and it's OK.)

I struggled in social situations & with making friends, until my Mum said something like 'People just don't like you & me Groggy, it's the way we are'.

And I remember looking at her aghast & like Rubychard I made a conscious decision in that moment to stop trying so hard & just accept myself, flaws & all.

Hearing my own mum confirm my own feeling that I was fundementally unlikable was the best thing that ever happened .

The point to my rambling story is, is someone in your life making you feel like this OP? You are as valid & as deserving of happiness as anyone else on this planet.

Ah, this is me too! I was always shy as a kid, and now it's Social Anxiety, always scared about what people are thinking of me.

If someone starts a conversation with me, I really do try, but I'm rubbish at starting them myself. I have an internal dialogue going on all the time. Like "just ask them if they saw Corrie last night." Then "no, they probably don't give a fuck about Corrie, you'll piss them off, don't ask them that!" It's exhausting, and what's worse is that then I'm constantly worrying that people think I'm being ignorant!

It's something I really want to get on top of before I have children, because I'd hate for it to rub off on to them :(

Yes.
It's really held me back in life I think. I dont know what caused it exactly... well theres lots of things that have contributed... but I have incredibly low self esteem to the point I cant even really structure appropriate boundaries because I cant even begin to judge any other person as I place them all above me... it's not an intentional thing I do its what I fall into.
I have anxiety and I permanently feel like I've done something awful, I'm an imposter in a world full of legitimate people and everyone could turn on me at any minute. I also feel like I deserve tragedy and am constantly tense waiting for it to turn up.

I totally get how you feel...
It's not true you know. It's for some reason your personality has developed this way. It's not useful or helpful to anyone for you to feel this.
For me I have to force myself to turn things positive in my head... instead of thinking about what could go wrong or what I lack I try and find something good to focus on... easier said than done but worth a shot..l your life and you are not all bad.. no ones is... it's just that your brain is making you focus solely on the ways in which it is bad and ignoring the qualities.
If I cant turn my thinking around then I try and distract myself... you can go down a rabbit hole of self hatred that makes you behave badly... I think it's important to identify triggers and notice immediately when you start to do that and distract yourself. Mindfulness is a really good thing to look into... other than that focus on things you enjoy, anything at all external, patterns, smells, the wind in the trees... anything to stop the thought process you've started to go down about how shit you are...
It takes time and effort but I think I've had a bit of success with it... now days I can sort of think 'no. Just stop it.' And redirect my focus to something external.... I'm still incredibly socially awkward but i try and that's all anyone can do.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You arent alone and your thoughts about yourself are not real... at worst they are a tiny part that you have greatly exaggerated, of a full, complicated and unique human being. People are always their own worst critics and some have a much louder critical voice inside themselves than others for whatever reason.

I too am very shy and socially awkward. Whenever I say that to people they tell me I'm not, so I guess I've got good at faking it. But I hate new situations, if I go to somewhere new and don't know where the toilet is I'd rather not go than have to ask someone! How sad is that? I'm 43 years old!! I constantly worry about what people think of me and would never put myself in any situation where I could end up looking a fool. My anxiety goes through the roof if we're out and my kids start acting up because I feel like everyone will be judging me when normally I try so hard not to draw attention to myself. When having a conversation I'm constantly thinking 'am I making the appropriate expression with my face?'
I have friends, but not many. As a previous poster said, I have to really click with someone. Interestingly, my closest friend is the total opposite to me but she gives me a confidence that no one else does. Unfortunately, because of life changes for us both, we now live over 200 miles apart and that is hard.
So yes OP, I completely get how you feel.

@Rockbird are you me?! I could have written that

Krisskrosskiss yup. I have really low self esteem and don't ever remember a time where Ive felt confident in myself. It's sad how I've been like this since such a young age.

Yup. I grew up hearing that I was a slut, useless, not as good as my siblings and it has stuck. I am better than I was but I hate who I am, compare myself unfavourably and judge everything I say and do. I go over everything I say and do in social situations picking bloody great big holes in myself. It's hard isn't it?

So sorry you feel this way. I've got no problem talking to people but I don't like socialising in big events etc. I had parents who were not outgoing and did the minimum. If we ever went anywhere we were told to behave. Quite right but I think it knocked the confidence out of me. I wish I had lad mates and enjoyed dancing at parties. I'm honestly clueless. I wish I felt more confident and could do interesting things. I'm not interesting at all. I literally look after my house and kids and have a partner. We can't ever go out as no childcare. I sometimes look at women with careers and who are popular. Or people who travel or do really interesting jobs and think why did I end up like this. Theres plenty of people like us though. I think alot of us are freaking out under the surface xx