Would you be judgemental of this?

[Clearwater788]

I’m really struggling to be a supportive family member at the minute. My cousin had an affair. It was found out 6 months ago. She’s now in the process of moving him into (what used to be) the marital home. 3 kids under the age of 8 involved. They’re coping very well but I’m very conflicted. I want to be a good cousin, I want to support them all but I’m so angry it’s eating me up. Am I wrong to be finding this difficult? It’s fast isn’t it.

Bump

I would consider that fast, but not sure you have to have a public opinion of any of it really though- I would be inclined to keep my thoughts to myself. You don't have to agree with her actions, but you don't need to discuss it with her either to give absolution or blessing.

Thanks Mac, that’s what I’ve been doing up until now. Trying to support her (despite the hurt she’s caused) whilst staying neutral and not voicing my true thoughts (I’m pretty appalled).

It’s really really hard though.

Not for you to judge really. Her decision. She can know you're disappointed in her choices but you love her and you should still be the same as you've always been

I think although it's difficult it might be worth having a chat with your cousin and telling her how you feel.

I believe that communication is never ever a bad thing as long as you keep it non confrontational.

My brother moved his other woman into the house with his young kids after he put his wife out. I wanted to be there for the kids who lived with him full time but, I had so much anger for what he had done. We spent nearly 4 hours chatting it out after I told him I wanted to be there for him but, I was angry at how he had treated someone else. It left us a lot stronger & I understood some of the reasons why he had moved on and it eased my anger.

I would advise you too keep a closer eye on the kids. It's them who will be living with a new person that by the sounds of it is a stranger to them. They'll be going through the worst of it.

I would also fully recommend you do judge. The way you feel is important too when supporting someone who has done something shitty. We don't all have to be supportive of awful behaviour but, in this situation you keep an eye on the kids!

limpylegs thankyou, maybe that’s the way forward for us. I can’t keep all this bottled up. My relationship with her is starting to feel fake and I’m beginning to feel 2 faced. I’m not a confrontational person at all so I know I could talk calmly. I’ve never been in a situation before where someone I love has behaved in such an appalling way (I’m very lucky I know!). I’ve had many lovely friends who have been cheated on and i know how to support that. When you’re on the side of the cheater it’s very difficult.

I also would judge and make sure they bloody knew about it!

Yes, I would judge someone for that too.

I would judge but I'm old school, I'd also have her back in public but in private I'd let her know exactly what I thought. Then move on, it's her life

My best friend and her partner are like family to me and my husband. One day he texts us to tell us she had been having an affair, and had we known about it. We had had no idea. I told her exactly what I thought, and wasn't shy about it! We also offered them both lots of support for whatever they decided to do. They stayed together, and as much as I believe this was the wrong decision, we support them and let them get on with it. It's hard, but it's not our life and they have to make their own mistakes and decisions.

What does being judgemental achieve? You’ll spur what is otherwise presumably a good relationship with a relative and it seems like the one who’s currently most miserable as s result of the judging is you, not her. Why are you so angry? It literally has nothing to do with and no effect on you.

you should still be the same as you've always been

^Nope. I wouldn’t see her in the same light ever again.

I would definitely judge & have previously ripped a close friend a new arsehole for this same sort of behaviour. You're disgust at her behaviour is definitely valid.