@minesadecaf i've been with my husband just over 6 years (2.5 years married). we have one DD who is just over 2 and currently pregnant. i've slept alone for weeks. i'm on the sofa. i'm extremely lonely. he's a nice guy ( good to have as a friend) but there's no intimacy or sex at all. even the pregnancies happened with outside help ivf 😢. i am very affectionate and enjoy sex. i have what he or an outsider might call high sex drive. he on the other hand has zero. at the start of us dating we had sex regularly i think probably always initiated by me. i don't recall him ever pounding on me uninvited. i initially thought that's ok i'm sure he's just a little oblivious. the sex act will end with his orgasm but he wouldn't bother asking if i did or if i wanted to i.e start again or continue 😢😢😢 i tolerated this because he was kind caring ticked all the other boxes for a future. i was mid 30 or a serious mission to find a husband because i wanted to have a baby or two.
anyway fast forward 2 years i had already expressed i'm not fulfilled sexually and tried strategies to get him more aroused ( dress up lots of flirting etc) he's just the same. in arguments i'd ask him if there's a problem or if he's gay! he would get so upset and offended. he basically kept saying he has low sex drive and always had.
pre kids during a sunny beach holiday we probably had sex once and i had lots of guilt because i was just toying with the idea of just ending the relationship purely because of the sex element. i could not feel fulfilled or loved without it. shockingly he had planned to propose to me on this holiday and did with a beautiful ring and i obviously said yes. sex was the only crap part of the relationship otherwise he was romantic caring generous and i've had amazing sexlife with ex bfs that were complete assholes and no way i would marry them.
i thought its vain to breakup purely because i want more sex- for some reason i thought we can work on this 🙄🙄🙄
4 years engaged and married and its shit. i nag him about the same topic everytime. the sex was non existing since i got pregnant first time ( i only got pregnant with ivf) i knew there was hardly any sex and there was no way i'd get pregnant naturally with this guy so instead of arguing about it i just convinced him it's best to go for ivf instead of wasting time trying as i was almost 38. he wasn't offended or upset he's just happy go lucky type of guy. it drove me crazy. i would have been upset but he wasn't. i was honestly miserable i really do associate love with sex ( always have) but i didn't leave him because i thought he's a good guy and i stayed in relationships b4 with nasty guys which was pointless.
i guess i felt u could not have it all. never had good sex with a " marriage material" type of man before so i still feel u can't have it all.
after lots of arguing and me saying i'm unhappy i convinced him to go for counselling and he dragged me along. 4 months now and all we do in counselling is moan that i'm unhappy unloved etc and he's controlled criticised fed up. i was getting even more anxious because i wanted another baby and it's not possible if we r not having regular sex! again paying for 3 cycles of ivf! i felt it was such a waste of money and shambles to go for treatment when there's probably nothing wrong with us.
now i'm pregnant and should be happy - i'm not really cos i feel like a single person who got a sperm donor.
i know he would happily get back to the old ways of cohabiting / holidaying and looking like the perfect couple with the occasional sex and be non the wiser if i start sleeping in his bed again and pretend sex wasn't important for me!
funnily i have previously cheated on every bf i had for one reason or another- i never cheated on him ! i feel loyal and like it's against my principles because we r married but mostly because he is such a good guy- absolutely the best in every other way😢
despite everything i fully respect him - he is truly a good guy and has stood by me in difficult situations and whenever i'm ill etc
so we r in a loyal but sexless/ loveless marriage and i wish i'm dead everyday 🙄🙄 absolutely no pleasure in my life at the mo except time i spend with my DD. i know i'm depressed and anxious as a result but have no idea where to go with this now.
is your relationship better than this?
do you have high sex drive/ desire and still live happily without it? how does that look like? i can't even imagine it