This is not right is it? Trigger Warning for Eating Disorders.

[ChateauneufDuTwat]

I have a completely fucked up relationship with my body/food, have done for my entire adult life thanks mum.

I have no ability to moderate. I exist in one of two states, either being a total slob eating whatever I want whenever I want and getting really quite fat while ignoring scales/mirrors and feeling utterly miserable or eating less than 1000 cals a day, tracking/weighing food (and myself) obsessively, exercising like a demon until I reach my goal weight.

I've been in diet mode for 6 weeks now and have seen dramatic results. Today I had a completely reasonable size homemade veg heavy "treat" meal with DP which fits in with my low carb diet but since eating I've felt full and gross and have had brief moments of considering making myself sick and/or taking laxatives because I'm so worried about seeing a gain on the scales 😟. I won't do either of these but I am just realising how abnormal my thinking is when it comes to food.

I'm nearly 40 FFS 🙄.

I've had CBT in the past but not related to these issues and it wasn't something that came up at that time. I am not in a position to be able to pay for more at the moment. Can't see what good going to the GP would do.

Is there any way of beginning to retrain my brain to get a handle on this stuff without any sort of professional input?

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say, I know how you feel. I don't do healthy moderation either. I spent a large portion of my adolescence with an eating disorder but one that didn't leave me thin enough to attract attention from teachers/parents so subsequently never had any treatment.

Now, also nearly 40, I am exactly the same as you. I have periods of weight gain because I eat all sorts - it's a big part of my life, I plan out what I'm going to 'treat' myself to. I had a brief return to self induced vomiting, as I had a ridiculous epiphany that it would solve my problem with weight gain. Like I didn't learn that lesson in my teens! When I want to lose weight I can only do it with food scales, weighing stuff out to the gram, tracking it all on an app. Keep my calorie intake strictly low. So I substitute obsessing over binges for obsessing over calorie intake.

I'd love to be someone who could just eat fairly healthy with some occasional treats. I wouldn't even mind being a little overweight if it meant I didnt cycle between gaining and losing so much.

It is a brain retraining thing like you said. I don't know how to do it either but I thought I'd reply to say you're not the only one.

I have this problem. I can lose weight and I can gain weight but never just maintain. I think it's an ED in it's own right. I wish I had the answer. My best option is to lose and gain within a narrow ish range and never go too long without dieting off the gains so I don't get huge. It's no way to live.

Thanks both, it's good to know I'm not the only one like this.

"didn't leave me thin enough to attract attention from teachers/parents so subsequently never had any treatment." This is definitely a factor Purple, at my lowest weight I'm still at a healthy BMI and at my highest I probably just look "normally" fat (top end of overweight) but nothing dramatic enough to make anyone think ED. In fact I've dismissed the thought myself before based on that kind of logic.

I woke up this morning thinking I'll just not eat anything today to try and reset the scales so my brain is still in scumbag mode 😞.

Sorry you are struggling and that you cant afford counselling for this. I had a dreadful eating disorder for many years (extreme restriction with binge days rather than weeks). I found the book Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hanson very helpful (when I couldn't afford counselling either), it's worth a look and is fairly cheap on amazon. I still struggle but I'm much much better then I was. Good luck OP

Start surrounding yourself with some body positive messages- books that are good are, body kindness (Rebecca Sritchfield), you are enough (Hari rose), just eat it by Laura Thomas and the classic Intuitive eating.
Many women have disordered eating and don’t consider themselves to have eating disorders- it’s almost seen as normal in our society.
Listen to some podcasts (food psych & body kindness are what I listen too) follow body positive accounts if you’re on social media( bodypositivepanda as a start).
It’s not counselling or therapy but if that’s not an option then this is a start into looking at your eating and body image issues and how we are given awful messages from society about our diets and bodies.

I actually think a lot of women have this to some extent or another.

I was thinking about it the other day.

I have a friend who is quite over weight, dislikes how she looks, and can make bitchy envious remarks to other women. But generally she eats whatever she wishes, when ever she wishes, and as much as she wishes.

I on the other hand restrict what I eat and am in the gym six days a week, but I feel confident about how I look, and am not bitchy or envious of other women.

Her hard is how she feels about herself. My hard is food restriction and exercise. Sometimes, but only occassionally, we both reverse. I'm eating everything and she's dieting.

I've started to think many women struggle to just eat normally and maintain their weight with no thought behind it. It's kind of like pick your hard.

Neither of us are thinking of puking or starving, and I'd not say we binged either, but it's still not an easy choice either is making.

I don't have any words of wisdom, other than do everything you can not to go down the extreme end, like starving or puking, but do think many women understand your issue

I think its partly physical, after a long time on a very strict diet you do feel uncomfortable after what is just an average sized meal. Conversely if you are overeating on junk it becomes kind of addictive and hard to stop. I'm not saying there isn't a psychological side to your eating problems but don't forget the physical side too.

Thanks everyone.

Have had a shocking few days. Have eaten < 500 cals a day and taken laxatives as well ☹️. It's like I've just stopped needing/wanting food and want to reach my goal weight as quickly as possible instead.

I know a major trigger in this is the imminent visit from my parents and the deep seated fear I have of my mother seeing me in my "fat" state and the subsequent criticism I would receive.

Will check out all of the book/podcast recommendations. Thank you.

I really struggle with body positivity because it so often strays into HAES/Fat positivity which I think is actually very dangerous and just cannot get on board with at all.