How do I support my DDs when one has autism and the other is clinically depressed?

[Tarchie]

I have two teenage DDs, one with autism and the other has severe depression. As a family we are really suffering because each of them is causing real stress to the other one. I’m completely caught in the middle and am trying hard to support them both but it so often feels as though it’s to the detriment of the other. I should add that neither one attends school due to high anxiety (autism related) and depression so they’re at home 24/7 with each other and me. Please help offer me some hope.
My DD with autism resists even small changes to anything in our home/family, she’s reluctant to do anything outside of her comfort zone. The other DD is acutely aware of this but it causes so much resentment and she says that she no longer feels as though she wants to live at home which makes me so sad. I’ve tried explaining to each DD that they have separate, but equally difficult, needs and compromise, understanding and consideration are so important as we struggle through these difficulties as a family. But it’s so hard for them both. My autistic DD cannot see beyond her own needs and refuses to contemplate any changes (even tidying away her accumulated bits and bobs that she surrounds herself with). My DD with depression literally cannot get out of bed, she’s so hyper sensitive to her sister’s rigid thinking and how this restricts our family. I’m at a loss to know how to help them.

1. How old are they
2. Are ss involved

Very difficult for you. What support do you have? Anyone else in the family who can help?

Oh my word OP, that is an incredibly difficult situation for you. Be there for them, and encourage them to talk to you. I don't know what else to suggest, but I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will come along soon

And it sounds like keeping them apart would be sensible, in order to avoid (or at least minimise!) the stress they cause each other.
Are there any family members who could offer some respite? Are you on your own, or with a supportive partner? Some 1:1 with each daughter would be good, but difficult to manage if you have other children in the house?

Sounds so hard. No real advice really just my sympathy.
Wondering how old they both are. Can they be left alone so you can try to do different things with them? Even if just a glass of pop or a coffee nearby. Or a cinema trip during the day. Or will neither leave the house? Just wondering if there is anything you can do with them individually that breaks things up.

Do you get any help from the local education authority? Tutor help from them when you could give some qulaity time to the other?

Exercise or just going outside can lift mood. Are you DD's old enough so that one can be left at home whilst you do something with the other. A walk in the local park, beach, country (whatever is near you)? even five minutes sitting outside or a fitness vid on youtube or the NHS couch to five k app.

Are there any common interests with them? A boxset you could all watch together? Could you encourage any interests such as cooking.

Are you getting any help available from your GP, CAHMS, charitie syou could speak to who may offer courses at the local college or support and advice?

You must be so worn out by it.

Oh thank you so much for everyone’s kind words. It means a lot just knowing that people care. I know they’re aren’t easy answers for any of the problems but I’m determined to stand by their sides, to love and support them in whatever ways I can. I keep telling my DD (and myself!) that her depression will ease but we don’t know how or when that will happen. She’s been suicidal so we’re both terrified of her returning to that mindset. My other DD will always have autism and that’s heartbreaking for her as she knows that it causes her to be so scared of everything.

So sorry Tarchie x

Is your depressed daughter on meds?

Sounds terribly hard thing to manage but you are right your dd hopefully will recover from her depression.
I think you need professional help before you crack under the pressure.
Their needs are complex and difficult. I worry about you.
My mother had severe chronic depression for years. Suicidal at times. One nervous break down but she managed to work 4 hours a day.
The less your dd does the worse the depression will be.
You need help ASAP.

Yes Dieu she is on meds but I think they only help her to some extent. Both girls see CAMHS but they’re not miracle workers sadly. In between appointments, it’s down to us to cope alone. Never knowing if we’re doing or saying the right thing, whether the other DD is struggling alone when I’m having to spend extra time with their DSis.

What treatment is your dd having for her depression? Staying in bed all day is not going to help her recover.

Sorry x post

It’s very possible that your elder daughter’s autism has caused your younger daughter’s depression. It’s fairly common amongst siblings of autistic kids. Her moving away may very well help her.