My 17 DS Asking for money again !

[lisaW2001]

Advice please, 17 year Ds has apprenticeship and gets 10, 000 pa , he lives at home and pays me £120 a month board, this leaves him about £700 a month just for himself, problem is hes spending his money in 2 weeks, then asking me to lend money after that, hes had £700 plus £100 birthday money this month , thats £800 in 2 weeks ! , i did lend him £20 yesturday he asked for £10 today , today iv said no , but hes hounding me saying hes not coming home ect, this is blackmail i know , im worried about what hes spending the money on, i know he has smoked only weed with his mates in the past (which i dont agree with) i dont think he would take other drugs ,, takeaways ect , what should i do to make him listen to me and make him budget more , i cant afford to lend him the money most of the time . thanks

I agree you need to increase the board he’s paying or he’ll develop lifestyle expectations that he can’t sustain when he moves out! At least half of his salary, even if you save it for him until he needs a deposit!

Ask him to sit down with you to talk about his money problems.
Write down a budget, dinner each day, transport, nights out etc.
Ask him if he wants to give you most of his money and you give it back each week so he has a better understanding of what's left.

He just seems overwhelmed with the initial money. But definitely stop the handout. He has plenty.

he's just got in and in a right sulk, gone to his bedroom with no tea , he is blaming me because he has no money ! he lacks respect and is immature, im not discussing it tonight with him, will talk tomorrow, i will have to lend him bus fare and dinner money until he gets paid, but will tell him i wont next month, and if it happens again he will walk .

No. Lend him bus fare, exact amount each day. He can make a sandwich for lunch.

You will ‘have to’ do no such thing. You’re meant to be raising a productive member of society, not some sulking loser, he has chosen to work, so this is the start of his learning curve on how to function as an adult. Sulking to manipulate your mummy into handing you cash is not an option that’s available to him. If he realises he has left himself without enough money to function this month, he can sell his trainers. Teach him that sulking is never acceptable, too, before he inflicts that shit on a lover.

Why can't he walk now?

You need to put the board up to £300 a month. Save £50-£100 of it for him.
Don’t lend him money ever.
He should be doing chores and also house rules and a curfew , he is not an adult. Even if he was 18 house rules apply.

I am really sorry, but if it isn't going up his nose or his arm, I will be really surprised.

Oh ffs tell him he needs to budget or fuck off. He's being manipulative.

Tbh it doesn't have to be drugs, shit adds up when you're not watching your money. £10 on lunch if he gets big/expensive dishes is £100 in two weeks, £50 on new shoes, £100 on sunglasses or a coat. £80 on a night out or £60 for a meal for two.

If I Stopped budgeting I could easily spend £800 on crap in two weeks

@Theflying19 half his salary is ridiculous, he shouldn't have to pay £550 a month to live in a room in his mums house - you could rent a flat for that where I grew up

@BertrandRussell thats a completely different situation from the Op who's son works full time

Like other PPs, I've run a house off less than that for years and years in the past, inc. rent, car, insurance, bills, food, clothes for my job etc.
He can walk to work and learn to treat you better or move out and find out how much spending money he'll have if he's not at your house. If he does it this month you won't be worried about him walking in the freezing cold in November when he doesn't learn the lesson. Be extremely wary of giving him bus fare or he'll start assuming you'll pay it every month. From now on, insist on him getting a month's bus pass at the start of each month on his payday. If he doesn't, that's not your problem.
Tough love.

He can make a sandwich for lunch. How far does he travel? I make my 16yo DS ride his bike, rather than give him bus money. You are being far too soft generous.

Still too soft, he can make his lunch from items in the house, how far does he have to travel? If he has a bike I'd make him cycle.

“@BertrandRussell thats a completely different situation from the Op who's son works full time“

I know it is. I was just pointing ting out that a 17/18 year old can have a good time and socialise and buy whatever they need on much less money than the OP’a son does. In case he does the “Everyone else.....”

but hes hounding me saying hes not coming home ect, this is blackmail i know

If he pulls that one again text him: 'Fine. Put your key through the letterbox and let me know when you want to come and collect your stuff.'

I suspect he's doing a similar thing to some uni students when their loan first comes in - going mad buying clothes, rounds of drinks, lots of meals out...and then realising that the money doesn't self-replicate. It's one of the reasons that I encouraged my kids to go to Uni (apart from getting a good degree) - to learn to budget properly (I never had enough money to give them pocket money growing up, we lived very frugally).

Maybe he's trying to keep up with others - do his friends have a lot of disposable income? Or he's playing 'Flash Harry' among his friends, flashing the cash and buying stuff for others.

It's going to be a hard lesson for him to learn, but you can either take his money and dish it out weekly, if he's agreeable to learning to budget, or he can sofa-surf for two weeks among his friends with no money until they get fed up with him whining!

With my DDs they kept their first months salary completely then after that paid 1/4 of it for keep. They had to pay for everything else themselves, including their lunches and travel.
He's taking the pi** out of you!
Make sure you keep a record of everything you have lent him so far, perhaps as a list on the fridge door so he can see it. On his next pay day, get 1/4 of his wages plus all he owes you. If he doesn't pay, turf him out. He will soon cough up!
Do NOT lend him any more money, not for bus fare, dinners, anything! Otherwise you are just enabling his reckless spending.

My DD stopped complaining about money at the same age when I gave her a breakdown of bills I needed to pay and then making her look up rooms to rent on Gumtree.