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Original poster

Is this a thing? People being horrible when you stop being a pushover?

22 replies

DaanSaaf · 10/10/2019 16:28

I won't go onto the ins and outs of each example but I realised a while back that I was being a bit of a pushover. Lots of unreturned favours, one way friendships, that kind of thing.

A good friend advised me that I couldn't change other people's behaviour, only alter my own and the way I deal with things. I stopped with the favours and started politely saying no to people, suddenly I'm seeing attitudes and nastiness that wasn't there before.

Is this a thing? Are some people genuinely only nice of they're getting something from you?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2019 16:31

It is very much a thing. These users have lost control over you and it infuriates them. You are no longer useful to them and they resent it.

MumMcMumface · 10/10/2019 16:31

Yes!

KingaRoo · 10/10/2019 16:38

Yes I have found this with DH's family. We put healthy boundaries in place that were very much needed (previous lying and abusive behaviour towards us) and suddenly we are the bad guys. They aren't able to take an honest look at their own behaviour so need to play the victim and play out their underlying anger/aggression towards us.

Original poster
DaanSaaf · 10/10/2019 16:38

So they will what, just move on to another pushover? I'm clearly a mug not worthy of their friendship Hmm

OP posts:
KingaRoo · 10/10/2019 16:57

Not sure what you mean by your last comment. But I have found that real friends are very few and far between but when you do find someone who is a true friend it makes a massive positive difference in your life.

AutumnCrow · 10/10/2019 16:57

Yes, they do move on. They don't change.

It frees you up to find and invest in much nicer friendships and relationships though, whether they be in RL, online, whatever.

EKGEMS · 10/10/2019 16:58

There are takers and givers in life-some have their taking acts so cleverly disguised you don't realize you're being a mug for a period of time,once you realize it and push back their mask falls away because they know they've probably gotten all they can from you and move on to their next victim

Wonkybanana · 10/10/2019 16:59

People don't start being horrible when you stop being a pushover. They've always been horrible and selfish, but they've shown it in the way they make demands on you. Demands you've given in to. So the nastiness has to come out a different way, it's more open and obvious - but it doesn't mean that they were lovely people before you said no.

Miztique · 10/10/2019 17:10

Yes 100%... I found this once when I said no to a friend for the first time in 15 years... actually not even no, but more of "I'm not sure, can I come back to you". She had no problem telling me how annoyed she was! The mind boggles.

fluffyjumper · 10/10/2019 17:16

You are better off without these sort of friends. I've just come to a life changing way of thinking. If they go out of thier way to be dramatic or self absorbed then I dont have to be part of it.

Foslady · 10/10/2019 17:20

Sadly my DP is in the middle of experiencing this (and by association I am the evil one behind it Hmm). Despite the painfulness of the situation, it has sadly been very illuminating.......

8by8 · 10/10/2019 17:31

Yes unfortunately a lot of people are like that. Find better friends!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/10/2019 17:32

It most certainly is a thing OP...

Ninkaninus · 10/10/2019 17:37

Yes.

Original poster
DaanSaaf · 10/10/2019 17:41

I'm lucky I have a small number of amazing friends. These were newer friends, acquaintances really. Neighbours, school mums, colleagues. I just think it must be quite empty for them, unless groups of takers congregate together Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DaanSaaf · 10/10/2019 17:43

@KingaRoo sorry, what I meant was they must have proper friends. People they don't treat shoddily otherwise they'd be very lonely. I was obviously just a tool to them.

OP posts:
KingaRoo · 10/10/2019 22:13

Maybe, maybe not. In my experience people like this aren't authentic enough to have "real" friends but just lots of people that they use when convenient for their own needs. Real friendship is selfless, honest and they will accept you for who you are, know your flaws and still love you. I haven't found many people in my life to be like that, sadly. Not sure if social medias to blame but there seems to be a greater degree of fakeness and seeking validation from others.

NumbersStation · 10/10/2019 22:15

Absolutely.

From very bitter experience.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/10/2019 22:25

Absolutely a thing but if it helps being assertive quickly changes your mindset into mot caring about fairweather friends.

I found my assertiveness/ spine whatever you want to call it after ds1 was born and my exmil became the mommy dearest version of mil from hell.

I dealt with her but in the process lost a lot , including in a roundabout way my marriage but honestly years later....totally worth it.

The marriage had been on the rocks , I dont miss the fair weather friends , my career has gone from strength to strength (my ability to assert myself often mentioned as a positive) and most importantly I am surrounded now by people I trust.

Honestly dont worry about those that kick back you will quickly see they aren't worth it , and now me and mine are happier than ever .

Original poster
DaanSaaf · 11/10/2019 19:46

Shinyletsbebadguys thank you, that's really helpful. Unfortunately I dwell on it a lot, trying to figure out what I did to make them treat me this way. I know the answer is probably that it's them and not me but it still niggles.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/10/2019 19:58

So they will what, just move on to another pushover? I'm clearly a mug not worthy of their friendship

They will and you aren't. You'll meet new people with those boundaries in place, one might slip through the net occasionally but it gets easier and quicker to say no. These people won't be a loss in your life.

Morgenrot · 11/10/2019 20:17

Yes

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