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Original poster

daughters dad making me feel like I’m in the wrong

19 replies

Heyitsmeee · 08/10/2019 17:36

Hey,

First post, I feel like I needed an outlet for this one.

Quick background on me: I’m married to a great guy, two kids (dd not dh’s). I generally get on well with my ex, we alternate wkends and she lives with me during the week. FYI, dd is generally a really good kid and great at school. Just the occasional pre teen drama 🙈

So, I’ve caught my dd(12 y/o) taking money over the past few weeks from ds (4 y/o) piggy bank. I checked this morning and there was £85 missing 😱

I questioned dd on this and she admitted to it. She’s in high school and we give her lunch money two days per week. The other three she gets a packed lunch. Recently though she’s been coming he with packed lunches still in her bag, we now know that she’d been taking the money to buy lunch at school instead.

I’m actually really angry with her and grounded her for the next week and told her there would be no events for the next while (she like to go to conventions and cosplay)

Dd was due to go to a convention this weekend with her dad and I feel like I am right to say no to this. However, I am now on the receiving end because “am I going to reimburse him for the £100 tickets?!?”

I have just been left feeling rather rubbish about the full thing and unsupported from dd’s dad.

OP posts:

Clangus00 · 08/10/2019 17:49

No, you’re not going to reimburse him for the tickets. Your daughter is a thief and needs punished accordingly and you would really appreciate his support on this one.

HavelockVetinari · 08/10/2019 17:51

Actually I disagree - it's ok to discipline her, but don't use her time with her dad to do that, he's only got her every other weekend. So YABU, choose something else to take away (screen time, phone, whatever).

Original poster

Heyitsmeee · 08/10/2019 17:54

Actually, this isn’t her dads weekend. It’s mine.

OP posts:

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Original poster

Heyitsmeee · 08/10/2019 17:55

@HavelockVetinari this is one of my wkends, not her dads.

OP posts:

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 08/10/2019 17:58

If he was any sort of a parent he would be cancelling the event himself as her punishment for stealing! How does he think it’s still on to spend £100 on a treat for her when she has just stolen £85?

WanderingMind · 08/10/2019 18:08

Apart from the punishment, why did she steal? Think you need to get to the bottom of that too.

shiningstar2 · 08/10/2019 18:09

I don't think you should stop her doing things with her dad in his time. If a problem occurs in his time would you expect the discipline to happen in your? Especially difficult when he has much less time.

Of course there is no excuse for stealing and I would not be issuing treats of any kind until the money is paid back. So if she was going to
get to go to the cinema with friends for example that wouldn't be happening and the cost would be put back in younger child's piggy bank.

However you have said she is usually a good kid so I would be looking into any possible issues regarding why this has happened. Does she have any access to free spending pocket money at all for instance.

Kids of her age are just coming to a time when their friends often have a little money which they can spend independently. Can she buy the odd magazine or chocolate bar on the way home for instance without reference to you? Speaking as a High School form tutor this is the age when quite a few kids start getting a little independant pocket money and I know kids who don't have a little of this can feel left out.

Of course I am not condoning the stealing and it may be she has pocket money and this is not the issue. Maybe after she has completed any sanctions you impose a quiet chat about this might be useful ...or any other issues. Another thought ...is she giving money away at school because of bullying or trying to be popular. Good luck with this op

Elieza · 08/10/2019 18:11

If you co parent and get along ok why don’t you speak to her dad about what she’s done and see what he suggests?

I wouldn’t cancel something that expensive tbh. If the tickets hadn’t been bought already fine, but when he’s paid for them already no.
I wouldn’t expect him to want to cancel the event that either. He will have bought his ticket too

But she stoke a lot of money and that has to be paid back so she will need to come up with a plan to repay. Pocket money, extra chores, helping a relative with shopping once a week or something until it’s all paid back.

Original poster

Heyitsmeee · 08/10/2019 18:21

@shiningstar2 @WanderingMind as stated, it’s over my weekend and she has taken the money so that she can buy school lunches extra days instead of eating her packed lunch.

I transfer pocket money into her bank account, that she has access too and both kids gets pocket money put into their piggy bank by my mum every week. She’s used hers and moved onto ds’.

I feel like there’s a bit of a culture of the dad not having as much time with dd as I do 🤷🏼‍♀️ Here’s the thing, it was his decision to have her every fortnight and I also work full time (shift) So, realistically, if anyone could spend more time with her, it would be him but that’s his choice 👍🏻

OP posts:

lyralalala · 08/10/2019 18:26

I agree with you that she needs punished, but I think you should have spoken to him first before imposing punishment over time he was spending with her. Just the same as he should with you if a sanction he gives affects your plans with her.

titchy · 08/10/2019 18:31

Well the punishment you've decided affects two people - and you haven't discussed with the other. So yabu. Punishments should only affect her.

So when she gets her pocket money she has to physically hand it over until it's repaid. And do something nice with her brother as it was a mean thing to do to him.

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 18:34

Did you discuss it with her dad before making that decision? I’m with you on the punishment but if he’s paid for and organised to take her somewhere then I’d expect the punishment to be a joint decision and can see why he’s annoyed if he was just told rather than consulted on it.

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 18:36

£85 is an awful lot of money for a four year old to have in a piggy bank. It needs to be under lock and key.

Do you know why your daughter stole the money from her brother? Surely she could have just asked for dinner money if she no longer wants packed lunches.

Of course you must punish her but try something different to stopping her going away with dad.

He ought to be cross with her too, in fairness.

littleduckeggblue · 08/10/2019 18:37

How about she gives her brother her Christmas money?

WanderingMind · 08/10/2019 18:39

Do you know why your daughter stole the money from her brother? Surely she could have just asked for dinner money if she no longer wants packed lunches

This is what I thought. Most people don't just start stealing money for no real reason. There's possibly some underlying reason why - and it's not to buy school lunches, that's just the result.

tinyvulture · 08/10/2019 18:44

If my ex wanted to impose a punishment during my time with dd (even if it was extra time I was having rather than during our usual arrangement) I’d expect him to discuss that with me first and get my agreement, before telling her. Did you do this? If you did, fair enough.
I’m also aghast at her spending £85 on school lunches. How long has she been doing this? And how much do these lunches cost?
And (I know this isn’t the point, but....) rather than having £85 in a four year old’s piggy bank, why not invest it in an ISA or something? A four year old can’t spend £85.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/10/2019 18:46

That's a lot of school lunches seeing as we are only in October! I suspect it's nothing to do with lunches.

Original poster

Heyitsmeee · 08/10/2019 19:01

Final Update

She’s been taking extra money for after school too. She said she doesn’t know why she did it, except that she’d worked her way through her own money first. She went back to school mid August, so unsurprisingly a few pounds a day adds up by October.

Don’t really know why people are so concerned with there being £85 in a piggy bank 👀 he has a savings account but this is just the pound coins that my mum gives him every week. Usually when he gets to £100, we chuck it into the bank 👍🏻

She’ll be giving the money to her brother from her bank account and completing extra chores around the house. My ex partner also called back and we agreed on her going on Saturday, but no dressing up or buying any treats. There also won’t be any events booked over my weekends to save any further hassle.

OP posts:

Soola · 08/10/2019 19:46

The tickets were already bought and the event planned with her father so I would not cancel that as punishment but I would expect the father to speak to her about what she has done and that she has a nice life such as going out with him on occasions like that event as well as doing nice things with her mother and if it happens him those nice days will put will stop.

Meanwhile there are other punishments that can be done in her own home. Personally I would work out a serious of boring jobs around the home that would equate to her being paid but the money not given as replacement for the money she stole.

Then once that is over I would offer the option of earning more money but completing extra tasks, take it or leave it.

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