Racist Relatives!

[thisnamechanger]

How do people deal with this?

My DF makes the most appalling racist (and occasionally sexist and homophobic) remarks which make me so unbelievably angry that I often end up shouting at him.

Although he is generally v.right wing, I think these thing are often said "to wind you [me] up" (am a bit of a leftie). I have no idea why he does this. I don't find it funny, no one else seems to find it funny.

Sometimes I just don't rise and calmly say "I'm not even engaging with you", sometimes I'll say something equally cutting back which exposes how stupid what he's just said is (if I can think of something!) but when I'm feeling particularly fragile (like this weekend which was the anniversary of DMs death) I just explode and tell him to shut up.

Dbro and DSIL are quite right wing too (but don't say the extreme things DF says). I don't think they agree with him but they sort of eye-roll at me when I get upset/angry and obviously think I am the one BU and I should just let him get on with it.

My 93 y.o Nana comes out with some belters as well but I find it easier with her for some reason; I just kind of quickly change the subject.

I think the reason it pisses me off so much is because (although he definitely has some genuine horrible beliefs about Muslims) he used to work in hospitals and had friends of all different races and backgrounds so I think deep, deep down he doesn't actually mean most of it, he's just trying to keep up his 'grumpy man who doesn't like political correctness malarky' character.

I realise I've made him sound like a real arsehole but we get on really well the rest of the time and I love him to bits.

Can anyone relate?

Working and being polite to others doesnt mean he wasnt isnt racist though.

Id go no contact.

Sounds like he’s doing the worst of it to wind you up. My advice for what it’s worth is don’t bite.

Sounds like it runs in the family. I would fuck the lot of them off to be honest.

I ignored the worst racist & homophobic comments from my relatives. They knew I hated them saying this stuff. You can't change the way they want to think. It's their problem. Just ignore.

I've outlived my dad & aunt so the worst is done here & I don't have to put up with listening to their shit any more.

Research from the US shows that white people are often the least likely to speak out about racism to the culprits. You are making excuses for him by saying "although he definitely has some genuine horrible beliefs about Muslims) he used to work in hospitals and had friends of all different races and backgrounds so I think deep, deep down he doesn't actually mean most of it,"
He can't have friends of other races and be a racist. It's an oxymoron. He spoke to /worked with other people of various races, but friends? He would let his children play/ stay over with them? He would sit down to a meal with them? Interact with them outside of work? Double check.

Yeah I think he would. I didn't say it made any sense. He has individual friends of different backgrounds who he likes very much and speaks very highly of and would never say racist stuff in front of, but then when it's just us he goes and makes the huge disgusting sweeping statements about religions/races. I shouted at him at weekend and we were both quiet for a bit afterwards and then gradually started talking again normally again. That seems to be the pattern we've fallen into; I shout, we go quiet, we gradually start talking again. Repeat. If I ever really press him on it and say look this is really offensive and makes me not want to come over he falls back on the "I'm just winding you up" line. Which also fucking annoys me because I have anxiety anyway; why would I want to be any more wound up than I already am!! I do love him loads and loads though.