What makes a good MIL/DIL

[Selfdoubter123]

I'm sure this has been done to death but I have a bad relationship with my MIL and lots of self-doubt as to whether it's something I've done. I don't have a DS, but find myself already thinking about how I would manage that relationship with a DIL.

Should a MIL treat a DIL as any normal person? Or should they make extra effort to reassure the DIL that they are welcomed into the family? For example - I felt hurt (didn't share this feeling with her) when MIL came to meet DD at 3 days old and she bought me some out of date chocolates and petrol station flowers. DH argues that she is just not good at gifts, but part of me thinks as a MIL you should really be thinking a bit more deeply about how to nurture a relationship. It's superficial, but do the superficial things matter sometimes?!

Equally, I haven't always been great at bringing gifts (wine/flowers) to their house when we visit. I think I stopped about 3 years into our relationship. As a DIL should I have maintained that to reassure my MIL that I value and respect her?

I guess what I'm asking is - what do you think both MIL and DIL should do to ensure a good relationship?

And just to clarify - I know it runs a lot deeper than flowers and chocolates. I was just trying to use a simple and tangible example of what expectations there could be.

Someone put it to me like this I'd they weren't your MIL would you be friends with them?if the answer is no then let it go be civil and keep a distance between you obv keep a relationship for sake of your DH I have accepted that we wont have the relationship that i want because we are too very different people so we are purely civil with one another that way I dont get upset hope this helps x

Actually I think your MIL has done a reasonable job there.
She's given you time and brought 'something' for you. Even if she was a little last minute.

I got nothing and not even asked how I was. The lack of gift doesn't bother me, the complete lack of caring says it all.

I think to kick of a decent MIL / DIL relationship their needs to be some common decency. How are you?

And if your DIL ever fights for her life FFS don't tell her your not as upset as her own mum would be!!!

It might be completely natural, and you might think it but WTF you'd actually say it is beyond me!

DIL is pregnant, you might have 3 DGS, but it's a fertility baby again you might think a DGD would be nice but again WTF would you say it??

So I think my summary is at least pretend to care and think before you speak!

Your comment about flowers to her house. Not something live ever done, but I wouldn't take flowers to my own mum either.

Maybe I'd think different if we were going to stay for a few days or something.

I wish my Mil was a warmer friendlier person. I would have loved cards and flowers when ds was born. I didn’t even get any recognition when I had a mastectomy for breast cancer. I would say be kind, friendly, offer help when you can, and just make an effort to nurture the relationship.

My MIL is a lovely lady. We've both made mistakes in our relationship, I'd say me, more than her, mainly down to insecurity and immaturity. We have a good MIL/DIL relationship, I think, I hope she would say the same.

The thing that meant the most to me in our relationship, was her flying down to be at my father's funeral. She was there for me, for her son, and to pay her respects. I'll never forget that or cease to be grateful to her for that.

I think a really good starting point for a good MIL/DIL relationship, is realising (from both points of view), that you both come from different family cultures, and things you take for granted as being how it should be done, is not necessarily how the other one will view it. And it's not 'wrong', it's just different. And there's got to be give and take on both sides and compromise.

Also, realising that you both share somebody that you love, and they need to balance between the two of you - and try to make that easy for them, rather than a battlefield. Understanding from the MIL's point of view that your DIL and son are now making their own nuclear family, with their own traditions, and needing time and space to do that, and from the DIL's point of view that their DH is still their MIL's son and they love them very much and still want to be a part of their lives. And that one family does not trump the other families, MIL's family matters, DIL's family matters, and so does the family of DIL and DH. All need time, space, and energy.

And that both of you will make mistakes, some big, some small, some intentional, some not - so you both need to be able to forgive, and also to apologise.

Realising it's a marathon, and all going well, you're going to be tied by bonds of love for the same people for many years to come helps.

I started off trying to be close to MIL but actually we are massively clashing personalities. She is the most extraverted person I have ever met and never (and I mean that literally) stops talking. I am introverted and appreciate peace and quiet. She is also happy to share very intimate things whereas I like to be more private. Trying to be close backfired massively and we ended up falling out.

Now we both recognise that that sort of relationship doesn't work for us so we are polite and friendly too each other but keep distance between us. I never interfere in DH and DS' relationship with her however and they are both very close to her.

Is there more to MILs behaviour that upsets/annoys you here OP? I hope so as what you’ve said makes you look pretty shallow.

There’s much more to the relationship. As I said, I was just using that as an example of what expectations we have. I didn’t really want the thread to be about my relationship with my MIL, more about what generally people think should be given into a relationship.

As you have asked though - she has made bitchy comments about me and my family to DH. She became hysterical when my DH told them he would spend Christmas with me (we had been together for 6 years before we spent a Christmas together). She has consistently given me long lectures on the importance of GP and how to bring up children (before we even had children!). She came to our house when DD was a month old (they live far away) and said she’d cook us tea for a treat. Tea time came and went and I needed to go to bed with DD so I had beans on toast while they cuddled DD in a corner of the room with their backs to me, as DH had gone to the shop to get things for tea. They then all ate together after I’d gone to bed with DD. The last two times we saw her she spent big chunks of the day in another room crying because DH has said something she doesn’t like. She argues that I should be buying and organising gifts on birthdays/Christmas if my DH is forgetful (I do normally do this anyway), because it’s my duty to show I love and accept his family. She got annoyed when DH once asked for one of his parents to take a photo of us - proclaiming ‘why a photo of just you two?! Why not all of us?!’

We have come to the point now where DH has firmly put her in her place and we now try to recognise when she is being difficult. It’s sometimes very hard to pinpoint what she’s doing and I think this is why I have such huge self-doubt about it all.

To me - the woman who has the love of my son and who has given birth to my grandchild would receive the most lovely flowers. But I’m trying to muddle through what I’d expect from her to feel this way, and whether I’ve come up short without knowing it with my MIL. Is there some DIL etiquette?!

Biggest drip feed I’ve ever read on MN and I’ve read many.

Your first and last post are 10 million miles apart OP. How was anyone supposed to offer you the right advice if you only mentioned the out of date chocolates and cheap flowers??

Go NC with her would be my advice if she’s making you feel as miserable as you come across on this thread.

I’m not asking for advice? Wanted to know what people expect of a MIL and DIL. My relationship with my MIL is bad and so I often get to thinking if I missed doing something obvious that DIL should do. Nothing is now going to change my relationship with my MIL, so I don’t want advice about that. I (wrongly) felt the need to defend myself against the accusation about being shallow and went into more detail than necessary!

Was purely asking - what do people expect from these relationships?

Should a DIL (if there are photos of her extended family in the house), make sure to put up photos of DH’s family?

Should a MIL go the extra mile and buy a special bouquet of flowers when a GC is born?

Should a DIL buy and send gifts for DH’s family for Christmas and birthdays if their DH happens to be a forgetful type?

Should MIL pretend to love and accept a DIL even if they think the DIL doesn’t like them or is controlling their DS?

On a family holiday should DS and DIL spend their time however they please? Or is there an expectation to spend time with PIL and not alone as a couple?

I guess these questions are for the first few years of a relationship, not once lots of damage has been done. These aren’t even examples I’ve experienced, but have heard complaints from other DIL or MIL about things like this

But surely all of the above points/questions you’ve raised wholly depends on the strength and type of relationship someone has with their MIL??

It’s not a one size fits all answer, there are so many variables to factor in.

Wow she argues with you to buy gifts if he forgets?that's harsh.

I do think it depends on lots of factors and how relationships evolve...but I also think in the early days of a relationship it’s possible that there are some basic expectations? If I had a DS and he chose a completely obnoxious woman to spend his life with, I’d still follow some basic rules of engagement to ensure I had contact with my DS and GC. For me - I think that would come down to shallow gestures (gifts etc) because they’re easier to fake if you really can’t tolerate someone. But also basic things like not badmouthing that woman to DS and making sure I seem very positive about her. That’s what I hope I would be like, anyway. Easier said than done I’m sure.

Just was wondering if there are any MIL out there - what ‘basics’ a DIL should stick to. But if it’s a dead conversation then I’ll drop it now

It’s difficult to set out the basics, as it depends on the individuals. Re the flower example, I wouldn’t even think to take a new mum chocolates/flowers (even cheap ones), so that the fact that neither my parents or In-laws brought me flowers doesn’t even register.

I didn’t buy my DiL flowers or chocolates when my granddaughter was born, but we had bought the travel system, clothes for the baby and something for her. We looked after GD when GS was born.

I hope we have a good relationship. I’ve always liked her and I’ve always said that she is exactly what I would choose for my son. We have the same career, so something in common straight away. She is the loveliest person.

We don’t live near enough for me to offer practical help regularly, but I used to help out when we were living nearer and we have the grandchildren to stay.

I think I’m very lucky. I hope she does too. I would never, ever criticise and always try to be supportive.

@Foxyloxy1plus1 sounds like you have a very good relationship and lucky DIL. Think it’s really nice that you’ve told her how much you like her

My view as a DIl and mother of three boys I think if your DS has chosen his life long partner you have a duty to do your best to make her feel welcome and part of your family. My MIL sadly finds me a threat and always has had an issue that I am with her eldest DS, she is even jealous that he wants me by his bedside as he is ill and can’t see why he can’t be as relaxed with her. I got nothing when I had my DC from her, when I miscarried very late in pregnancy she told my DH that she didn’t think I wanted any more kids anyway. My view is that is how not to be a MIL. My eldest DS is dating and I have had a great relationship with both of his long term girlfriends. I am still friends with his first as she was such a lovely girl. They have both been welcome in my house and they can contact me anytime for anything. I would like to think I will be like that with all my DC future partners

I think in the mil / dil relationship the most important element is A. to try & be kind & thoughtful to each other. Also B. Not to overthink things & be offended unnecessarily. And C. Sometimes bite your tongue & don’t sweat the small stuff.

Families are hard work sometimes but these key relationships are really worth working at especially when GC come along. We are all different so give & take is required for things to work. Some good advice on here from lots of other posters (apart from the grumpy one who seems to have got out the wrong side of bed..) lol just ignore that one they should read my A. tip ... shaking my head at such needless rudeness.

I had abad relationship with my MIL - because from the start she made it clear that she felt I was stealing her son.
I get on very well with my DIL because I see her as a wonderful addition to our family, she isn't taking away, she is adding.

I love her and I tell her that I do. I admire her as a person, and think she is the best thing that has ever happened to my son. I have told DS that if they ever get divorced she is the one I will stay in touch with

But more seriously, I am a pretty laid back sort of person, I never interfere in their affairs, or give them advice or comment in anyway other than favourably on what they do, or buy, or how they spend thier time and money. At the same time I think and hope they know that I will always be there for them if they need me and will always help in anyway I can, they only have to ask.

I think some people regret their children growing up and leaving home and feel somehow bereft. I've always thought that if they go on their own path in life, find their own happiness and don't need me any more then I've done a good job.

At one of the worst times in my life. my DDIL was there for me in spades, and I'll never forget her kindness and the strength she gave me, she's a terrific person.

Op of course this is crap.

What makes good Mil! Respect, have a you read Elton John's serialisation on the mail, his dm ruined his wedding day. Nasty about his husband

It's a jealousy that knows no bounds.

At the very least mils should teat dil with same respect as their own dd. And how they would expect thier dd treated by her Mil

So... Would you not enquire after dil lost a parent? Or had difficult surgery etc.

Of course women should not plug the present gap. I'm totally agaisnt this. If their son isn't raised to buy his dm a gift... That's that. It's not womens work to plug that gap

Stop buying.

I'm divided on gifts. Some people are crap with presents... Some are un wavering ly good so if they do give you a bad gift its

You are coming across as being obsessed about the flowers. In that scenario, my thinking would have been "How nice, she has brought me flowers", not critical of the type of flowers or where they were from.

Re more generally, as others have said it depends on so many things.

My MiL and I are very different people and wouldn't see each other / be friends without the link through dh and the dc. I'm pretty certain she doesn't agree with lots of things I do (or don't do), but she is wise enough to bite her tongue, and I do the same.

My dc are adults now and ds has a lovely girlfriend who I try to make feel as welcome in our home as I can, and I involve and include her in any family things where I can. Doesn't mean I expect her to be "my friend" - I'm from another generation altogether - but I think we can get on.
I certainly don't expect her to turn up with flowers, I'd rather she walked in and felt comfortable sticking the kettle on.

Really interesting reading everyone’s responses - thank you.

I guess I used a bad example. It shows how different people are, but I thought flowers/chocolates were the norm for very close relations/friends to get a new mum! I wouldn’t expect it, but if they are given I would expect them to be a bit more special? Kind of like for Mother’s Day we have always sent a special bouquet to MIL’s house and I’d imagine some £4 tulips from Tesco wouldn’t seem enough?! Obviously something unique to my social circle though.

I can see that some posters have said they got something more personal or contributions towards bits for the baby, which is lovely and perhaps a more general ‘expectation’ for good relationships and sending a positive message

@GlitterSparkle85 that is exactly the advice I needed to hear today in relation to my situation with my mother in law, thank you.

@Londonloves hope it helps its kept a civil relationship with me and MIL I dont really like her and have accepted her ways shame when in your head you have an ideal of what a MIL should be x