Husband has been texting and meeting another woman behind my back.

[Nobodyx]

Hi, first time I've ever posted anywhere but really needed to let it all out. My husband and me have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 DC. I've just given birth 6 weeks ago to a ds. Quick overview, I moved hundreds of miles away from my home, left my family, job, friends to be with my dh which was one of the hardest things in my life. After that it was very difficult as all he and I ever did was work, he hardly made any time for me. (Has his own business and so i had to help out) Dh is extremely hands on and a great father/husband. He's also very generous with money and pays for everything although I also work full time and have a good job. He does housework, cooks, cleans, basically does anything and everything. Nothings ever too much. His only problem - lying and talking/texting other women. It all started when we had just had dd and I discovered texts on his phone from an ex asking what she would give for his bday and that he wanted a massage. Confronted him and he seemed very remorseful and that they were only ever texts and nothing else. I did actually leave that time and came to my parents for a few weeks.
He was very sorry and I truly believed it was only texting and nothing else so went back.
Can i just point out that I have extremely strong views on infidelity and am completely and utterly against it and would never even think of doing this to my husband.
Afew years ago we moved up north from London but he still goes there for work.
So 3 months ago in July when I was just 8 months pregnant I found some messages on his WhatsApp where this woman asks when he will be coming to London and that she misses him. He also said he misses her too. Tells her hes coming that night then exchanges some texts with her about when she finishes work and tells her he is feeling h*y. Wtf?!! He says LOL at the end of it and seems to think because of that it means nothing as he was just joking? She asks how long he's staying down south and when he tells her she says 'so I won't see you much then?' and he says yes you will, I'll stay with u the 5 days. She then says ' on the floor' and he says he doesn't mind. (This confuses me as she's saying he's going to sleep on the floor? ) They then proceed to make a plan to meet next day and she asks what he wants to do. He says they will go for coffee and a walk.
I've confronted him and he swears on DC's lives that he never did anything physical and would never. He says it was just stupid messages again and that he cannot believe he's done this to me again. He's given her a lift home afew times and and gone for a walk and coffee few times but nothing else apparently. He met her 6 months before I found out and deleted every single message and call and never told me about her until i found out. Then even tried to deny it to my face until he saw that I had taken a pic of the messages. Finally admitted it was just messages and they did meet but nothing happened. I kicked him out and went through the worst last stages of pregnancy you can ever imagine. I was sick constantly, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think straight. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I had to start individual counseling as I was so worried about the baby.
I just couldn't understand what was happening to me, we had been making plans, he wanted us all to move abroad with him for a year after ds was born. He wanted a year out and to relax for all of us. Why would you want that if cheating at same time?
He knew I would never forgive anything like this again I just am not the type of person who can live like that. I'm very independent. He came back after 10 days begging me and crying (never cried before) saying he can't believe how stupid he's been and that he had everything a man could ever wish for.

Again swore up and down he has never done anything physical with any other woman since being married to me and never would. Apparently thought I'd get upset if I knew about OW so chose not to tell me. I've contacted her but she wouldn't answer and then blocked me! Anyway I let him back after afew weeks as I was due to give birth and was at the most vulnerable point in my life. (Very difficult pregnancy, gestational diabetes etc). He has been really trying to make up for it. Leaves phone anywhere and everywhere, tells me who he's texting etc. Being more loving, effectionate. Thing is I now know that it will happen again as it's not the first time, he just can't help it. Meanwhile I'm becoming a shadow of the woman I once was, constantly thinking who is he talking to/texting. When I'm not with him, who is he meeting? It is eating away at the very core of who I am and I can no longer cope with it. It's so destructive and soul destroying. The trust is shattered into a million pieces and I can no longer be with him. He just won't accept it though. I don't know what to do anymore.😢
I just can't live like this anymore.
(Sorry it's so long but hard to fit a whole 8 years into one post. )

He will never change it seems from Reading this post. You deserve far far better then this. End it now x

If you’ve got your own job then find a place to rent while the divorce goes through.

You haven’t failed, he’s failed.

You've said yourself the trust is broken and you can't cope anymore. He isn't the great father/husband you've said he is or he wouldn't be unfaithful to you and his children in this way. He hasn't changed his ways.

Either you accept he repeatedly cheats on you and will continue to do so or one of you leaves and you get divorced.

You need to tell him in a way he understands that it's over. He's at least tried his luck twice, that you're aware of. Staying with him will destroy your self esteem and make you miserable. He isn't sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught. If he wanted to stay with you that much he wouldn't have done it a second(?) time

I'm so sorry. I don't know why men are like this or what to do about it. But if he's a liar, the problem won't go away, in my experience, because you can't discuss anything honestly.

You know what you need to do (and I bet he knows what you would do hence all the 'extra' care and effort). You are feeling vulnerable, this is a hard time in a relationship without all this extra BS.
Do your family know about the latest incident and could they put you up whilst you find your feet?
I think you need to start making a plan, getting paperwork together and deciding where is best for you and your kids to be. don't sacrifice yourself or your sanity for a man who will never change and destroy you in the process. Good luck.

You’re incompatible. You make decisions and choices like a normal person does, i.e with your mind and your heart.

His life is ruled by his dick.

You’ve tried to make it work and given him chances to dedicate himself to your relationship but he has succumbed to his lust again and again.

Crying, puppy dog eyes, promises, promises, promises are all worthless as he is not dedicated to you or committed to his marriage vows to forsake all others.

It’s going to be tough but you will get through the trauma of splitting up from him otherwise your life is going to be made a misery full of humiliation, anxiety and stress if you stay with him.

It was OK to take him back when you needed him. But now you don't. You do seem resolved to go ahead with leaving him. And justifiably so. Glad you also have support from your family.
You had already given him a chance to redeem himself. And instead of taking the opportunity to be a better DH , he chose to completely betray you.Again.
All his other good qualities can never balance out that he is a liar and a cheat.
You are youngish, I guess, with your own job. You don't need this man in your life. You deserve so much more . Like respect, loyalty and love.

If it was the other way around you’d have been out on your ear & called all sorts.

I would just tell him the truth OP, he's not good enough for you. Maybe putting it in such simple, final terms will get through to him. And it is absolutely true, if he can even think about cheating and betraying you then he isn't good enough

Thing is I now know that it will happen again as it's not the first time, he just can't help it. Yes.

Meanwhile I'm becoming a shadow of the woman I once was, constantly thinking who is he talking to/texting. When I'm not with him, who is he meeting? It is eating away at the very core of who I am and I can no longer cope with it. It's so destructive and soul destroying. The trust is shattered into a million pieces This will be your life forever if you stay - you know that.

He just won't accept it though What?! He doesn't get that choice. That simply isn't a logical sentence - he doesn't have to accept it, he can stand there not accepting it until he's blue in the face and you can - and should - still simply go ahead and make the life choices HIS behaviour has caused. Tough shit.

You gave birth six weeks ago. You need peace, tranquility and support. The most important thing right now is healing from the birth, adjusting to having your DS, and doing things like resting, establishing feeding, and ensuring that you are supported enough so that you don't develop PND.

Are your family supportive? Could you go and stay with them? Honestly, in terms of a split, leaving right now would be easier in a LOT of ways as there is no question that your baby should stay with you and that will be the status quo.

If I were you I would leave now, become officially separated and take as much help as you can with relocating local to your family (IF they are supportive). Do not stay any longer up north and become established there with your baby - move to where YOU want to be, and start all the baby group, making local friends with babies stuff there - where you are likely to stay.

It may sound impossible with a newborn but in truth it's much easier in many ways- it's actually harder when they are older and mobile!

Do not engage with your cheater liar H - there's no point. You know already what his speeches will say - you detail it all upthread and it's all lies lies lies. He will have been sleeping with other people through your relationship and deep down you know it.

Yes you can move with the baby and there is nothing he can do. You can tell him you are leaving him for his cheating, you need physical support from your family with the newborn and that is that.

He can come and visit when he can fit it in to his extracurricular shag schedule

I'm very sorry but very glad you are clear that this is a dead end and you need to get out.

Thanks alot for your replies. I'm putting on a strong front but inside I feel like the very fibre of my being is destroyed. Feel so numb with the pain. I've been through so much for him it's unbelievable. His family absolutely adore and love me and so do i. I wanted a happy home for my kids more than anything but he's destroyed all of that. How can anyone be so damn selfish. I really hate him for what he's done to me and the DC. When I tell him it's over he completely glazes over it like I didn't say anything and then carries on like everything is normal? Beginning to think he actually can't cope with the thought of not being with me and DC. Either that or he's mentally disturbed. ( Which I'm beginning to think is increasingly true for doing this to me again)

I haven't actually told my family that I want to leave him. I come from a background where divorce is frowned upon unfortunately and a real last last resort. But that is where I find my self, at the end of my tether and sanity. I don't think they would understand.

Again, thanks everyone for your replies i really do appreciate it.

I’m so sorry OP. Your post made me well up because it’s just like how my ex treated me. I found texts on his phone from a 19 year old 4/5 years ago. He begged forgiveness. He said it was because I wasn’t putting out and he was bored. I didn’t just go through his phone.... he was sleeping and I woke him to say his phone had probably gone off about 30 times and someone was clearly trying to get hold of him and if he didn’t want to check, then should I? He said yes, and I found all the pics, fantasy stories etc. It made me ill. I think he was too sleepy when he said yes! He did nothing to rectify it all. I found flirty texts with someone else Year’s later. He’s a liar and I’ll never trust him again.
I’m sorry but I’d put money on you’re husband doing it too.
I truly feel for you. I thought things were better between us recently and I fell pregnant by him. I’m now facing having my 4th baby alone. He’s been so unsupportive. Im just trying to be strong. He moves out next month. I find the idea terrifying and I’m so worried about finances but this is what needs to happen for me.
I know the awful feeling every time your husband says he’s going somewhere that he’s meeting someone or up to something. The trust is gone and you will worry every time he goes out or works away. He’s been sneaky so far meeting women far away. Next time he will just be more careful.
While you can be strong and get through this. Xx

If your family won't be supportive, what other options are there?

Fact is they will have to know, and fact is also that this IS a last resort. If your family have a strong moral code, you letting them know that your relationship has involved lie after lie, infiedelity after infidelity and him putting your health at risk with his cheating then I would hope that they would hold their judgement! Especially if you decide you're going to be straight with them, vis - 'I know very well how you feel about divorce but I'm going to be clear here, we ARE divorcing, I WILL be starting a new life with DS and the bottom line is that if you feel you can't support us/me in this choice, the end result will be that you will see far less of us than you might like. I won't endure being unfairly judged for making a moral decision on top of eveything I am going to have to face alone now.'

I moved hundreds of miles away from my home, left my family, job, friends to be with my dh which was one of the hardest things in my life

This stood out for me, that you describe it this way. Clearly you still feel that 'home' is where you moved from. So first things first, I would move back. I don't know whether that 'home' location is the same place your family are. But it's certainly where you feel your friends and familiarity are. What are the finances? Are you on mat leave? My first move would be researching whether you can find even a bedsit back home, get settled, and start thinking about jobs back in your home location.

Oh, and this:

When I tell him it's over he completely glazes over it like I didn't say anything and then carries on like everything is normal? Beginning to think he actually can't cope with the thought of not being with me and DC. Either that or he's mentally disturbed. ( Which I'm beginning to think is increasingly true for doing this to me again)

He acts like this because he literally has no answer to give you other than 'I did it because I like it and I thought I could get away with it, and I don't have the morals to not cheat.' He can't say that. So he pretends to ignore. He's not mentally disturbed - he's a rabbit in the headlights and literally his ONLY remaining tactic is to shut down and actually pretend NOT to hear you - hoping that you'll eventually drop it, that you won't have the mental strangth to leave with a six week old.

Stop talking to him. Ignore the glazed looks and silly 'I can't hear you' play acting. Just get on with planning.

To hell with what your family thinks, they aren't the ones being cheated on and lied to. I would also be telling his family every last detail of what he's done. I suggest you see a solicitor as soon as possible to get this process started. In the meantime, put his things in bin bags and show him the door.

I have to disagree with this - He can’t help it.

Yes he can. He’s an adult and the choices he has made are sly, deceptive and DELIBERATE.

He enjoys the excitement of cheating otherwise he’d leave and be a single man choosing to sleep with whomever.

I would be insulted by the tears, he’s manipulative, weak and downright nasty.

Why would you stay with someone like that let alone allow your poor relationship be the model in which your children are raised?

Is he actually cheating? Is this all the same woman (an ex perhaps) or different ones?
If not sleeping with her can you accept his friendship if he's open about it?
If he can't or won't stop or be honest and you can't stand it he'll have to go.

Haven’t read all the posts, but have you went for counselling together? I totally understand why people are saying separate and divorce but I would at least try counselling first.

"Is he actually cheating?"

Of course he is, and op knows he is. Crunch time now....stay accept your husband will always be looking to disrespect you. Or find your own self respect and end it. Him "not accepting it" means fuck all. Serve the divorce papers, that will prick his stupid dog ears up.

Oh, and no way has he not had sex with these various OW. If you believe that again your need your head testing. And look for the secret phone.

Hi
We actually moved back up north where I'm from about 2 years ago so my family is not too far. This is solely because I wanted to. Down south we had no family, no support at all.
With regards to finances I should be ok as since we have been married we have made alot of investments buying property etc. All of its in my name too. I am on mat leave ATM and was planning to take a further year off after it ends but this won't be possible now due to his selfishness. I'm still worried about how I'll go back to work with Ds and btw I also have a 6 year old daughter who is very much besotted by her father. I refuse to tell her about it yet as it's too fresh but she's quite happy with me when he's away and now with Ds she has someone to play with as she hates being an only child. Of course I won't tell her why as she doesn't need to know details. I'm still in shock about the whole thing. He's actually away down south now since Thursday and has been calling/texting every day but I've completely ignored and not responded even once. I'm just sick of it all, worst thing is I can't cut ties completely due to DC but how I would love to. Why do we always think about everyone else but no one gives a flying f* about us? 😩