We MUST meet up for lunch/coffee/playdate-never happens. Why?

[FrenchBoule]

Several times I came across long not seen friend and heard that. They never came back to me to actually set a date(and yes, I tried to arrange a meet up)

Saw at least a couple of threads this week where people were met with the same situation.

Is it the social norm nowadays? I don’t understand why people suggest meet up if they have no intention of doing so?

Would love somebody to explain this phenomenon to me as I don’t want to impose myself on people who clearly don’t want my company but are not brave enough to say it.

Surely “nice to see you, take care” would be better than false promise of meeting up?

I say it with good intentions and hope that I will find time to catch up with people that have been important to me. But life almost always gets in the way and unfortunately, after commitments with my children, husband, extended family and closest friends, house and domestic tasks, work and studies, things like that just come last.

My guess is that 'We must meet up sometime' is British Small Talk (aka UK version of Meaningless Bonding Noises grade 1) for 'Wow, you're ace at this small talk lark and I've really liked it! But please go away when you're done ' Bright smile and wave goodbye.

The important thing about these formulaic phrases is to recognise that they are just that: formulae. They are not meant to be listened to, just uttered as a way of filling the time and glossing over the unwantedness of the social encounter. If you make the rookie error of listening to the words and responding to their meaning, you will be ghosted, or subjected to the 'cocktail party stare' where the other person will slide their gaze over your shoulder and suddenly greet their best friend in the middle of your sentence.

In all fairness, nobody really wants to socialise in the rain at 8.15 on Monday morning before school, and as for those friends you haven't met for ages, why haven't you met before? We don't really have a socially acceptable way of saying 'Nah, don't fancy it' or 'Please, no more tepid Nescafes in your cramped kitchen' or 'Don't fry my brain circuits with Jean Paul Sartre at this hour of the morning'. So this is what we come up with. Polite noises that really mean 'Leave me alone'.

Thanks for clarifying things to me.

Maybe because I’m not British that’s why I don’t understand that some conversations are just absolutely meaningless.

Now I know why there is so many threads “ I have no friends” if person saying the words encouraging some sort of friendliness actually didn’t mean them.

I think this is crap communication.It makes it very difficult to read the intention and how to proceed.

“Must meet up” the same as “how are you” when no other answer is expected than cheery “I’m ok, thanks”

Who cares how you feel as long as niceties and pleasantries have been exchanged.

So wrong.

Bollocks!

People have busy lives. If you want to catch up with people, whip out your diary/phone then and there and suggest some dates and times.

“Oh we must catch up!”
“Yes, that would be lovely! Are you free next Tues?”

If they can’t confirm then, follow up with a text: “hey, i’m Free on the 11th, 15th or 19th, fancy grabbing some coffee and a cake somewhere?”

I’ve got friends where we pencil in catch ups literally months in advance, as otherwise our time fills up with other things and we never end up meeting, no matter how much we love each other.

I agree OP I've had this happen so many times.

It sucks, I give them two chances and then if they still don't reciprocate I fuck them off.

@Dyrne, I have friends like that, we need to book dates months in advance. We are still friends, every time we pick up where we left and part ways for another few months.

I am puzzled why people suggest meeting up when they don’t mean it. It’s difficult to whip up diary when it comes to kids playdates.

“ thank you for having my little Johnny, we MUST have your son for a playdate soon”. Errr, your wee Johnny has been to our house several times,it would be nice if you could have my ( well behaved) kid sometime? No? Why do you talk about having him then?

I know how you feel op, I'm still getting used to people just saying things without really meaning it. In my case it tends to be the same people most of the time so now I just say 'yes we must!' When they suggest we should meet up, which of course will then never happen. And I leave it at that. It's difficult to learn though, took me years and I still get caught.

Dyrne I'm not sure being busy is always an excuse. Friends that are worth seeing are a far more enticing prospect than catching up on the housework, and are usually worth a day/hour of annual leave.. And yes, sometimes it is booked a few months in advance.

The key word here is 'sometime'. If you genuinely want to meet up, you'll agree a date quite naturally. If it's small talk or they don't think you're more important than the schedule, you'll get excuses or a vague promise of getting back to you that never materialises.

I say ‘we must meet up for coffee sometime’ when I have no intention of actually meeting up and having a proper chat, usually in the case of people I don’t know that well and have no intention of getting to know any better not because I don’t like them but because I don’t find them interesting or of interest to me so we are not similar or I’m not getting anything out of spending time with them. They’re perfectly nice ladies but I’m not intrigued or curious about what they have to say or I don’t get that special energy when talking to them. I just don’t click with them.
When I want to meet for coffee, we decide there and then and put it in the diary. It doesn’t mean I adore everyone I meet for coffee because sometimes it’s for an actual practical reason not always for a friendly chat.

I say it and mean it, but life is busy, there are more pressing demands. I wouldn't take it personally.

And OP, the parents in question are probably feeling a bit guilty about not having your child over for a playdate, and just say these things to ease their conscience. They tend not to react well to being called out on the discrepancy. Don't host more playdates than you feel comfortable with - your kids will be organising their own social lives soon enough.

FrenchBoule So you need to follow up then and there. “We MUST have them over for a play date soon” “Yes, I agree! How’s next Tuesday looking for you?” And then if they try and get you to host again just be breezy “Oh Dave was looking forward to seeing Johnny’s train set he is always talking about, how about you take them on Thursday?” You’ll get the odd CF taking the piss but I refuse to believe that EVERYONE is like that, much more likely they’re just busy and a bit crap and need prodding.

nevergotthehangofthursdays I disagree. Between family commitments, work, school, clubs, and housework; it is actually difficult to just “naturally” agree a date with people who themselves have their own family commitments, work, school, clubs etc.

I’m not saying that to be all “Oh i’m SO busy”; but to simplify - if you have brownies, swimming, and karate on Mondays, wednesdays and Fridays; but your friend has Scouts, Gymnastics and Dance on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays; that only leaves Sunday to meet - but you also have other friends you’ve planned to see, family to visit etc etc as well.

I find it easier to plan in specific dates and times so I can factor it in to forward plans.

I have this with a parent at the school gates, said it to me so often then it became a running joke (in my head).

'Ill text you, we must get together, you need to come to my 40th party, I will message you, let's get together in half term' etc.

Every day!

Never did text or contact me but has been saying it most weeks for a couple of years. 🤔

I’d rather hear “ thanks for having him, see you around” and “ it was nice to speak to you, take care” than “we MUST blah blah”.

We don’t have to if you don’t want to and that’s fine by me, just don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

It’s so false.

I'm British. I think this is poor communication and rude, frankly.

If you just want to be friendly there are plenty of ways to do that without saying things you don't mean and coming across as passive aggressive and/or gutless. Or making people feel rejected and stupid for thinking you genuinely liked them when you were in fact giving them a nasty brush off.

People aren't psychic. How are they supposed to know "must meet for coffee" followed by avoiding meeting for coffee isn't a brush off? How are they supposed to know it's bullshit rather than getting their hopes up? How are they supposed to know you have no intention of getting to know them better when you've said about meeting up? How are they supposed to know it's not because they've offended you or done something to cause you to take a dislike to them? Have you shared your coded communication system?

What's wrong with "lovely to chat, see you soon" or whatever truthful variation applies in the particular situation?

Saying misleading shit to people is not polite or kind.

I say it and I mean it, but then I get home and life takes over and I keep putting it off to text the other person.... and then a few months have passed and it seems like too late to get in touch now. I agree with others, if one whips out the calendar and suggests specific dates it's much more likely to actually happen. If you'll try that and the other person makes excuses, you know they say it but don't mean it.

One particular person I bump into regularly always seems pleased to see me. I feel a bit sorry for her tbh so would be happy to meet so I say that and she agrees it would be lovely. Or vice versa. But we don't do it. I don't want to impose on her if she's not bothered either but tbh I suspect she hasn't got the confidence to contact me.
What to do? It could be either/or. So I leave it and then feel a bit bad.

Yup, it is false. Brits are mega awkward though.

I like the IDEA of meeting up etc, but not the reality. In reality I CBA. I'd be the one to say, lets do coffee, lunch, playdate etc then just not call. I'd rather have spur of the moment activities. If it's a 'date' I have to mentally prepare and that's exhausting tbh.

@quincejamplease
Exactly!I’m not a psychic either that’s how I find it difficult to understand “did they mean it or not”
@katewhinesalot ask her with the day in mind, probably the only way to find out if she really wants to meet up

To those of you “life gets in the way” yes, it does but sometimes it’s worth the effort of contacting somebody and meeting up.

As for these “we must... but I don’t mean it” what do you say if somebody actually comes up with the day to meet? Do you backtrack saying “I don’t actually want to meet up” or say another lie “ I’m so busy in all days that finish with Y”

Sometimes I've been severely tempted to call them out on it. If all these 'must meet for coffee's had resulted in an invitation I'd never go home during school hours.

And as you're not British, I'd actually recommend you do so - in an innocent 'don't quite understand the customs of the country' way - you might get away with it. Ask them outright: do they really mean it or are they just saying it to say it, because it doesn't happen where you come from and you find it a bit weird? Then watch them squirm. (Best if you don't care too much about making friends, obviously).