Need a handhold, anyone up?

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

My physical and mental health are none existent right now. I'm having a financial crisis but I've made all the appointments and doing all that I can for that to get sorted and have meetings with various people about it next week. And I feel so alone and I'm stuck here in a houseshare that I can't afford with people I don't want to live with. I'm looking for a new tenant to swap my contract with. I've got a couple of feelers out but one of my current housemates/friends is demanding that I help her man a table at an event because herself and the two other people that are supposed to be helping her are double booked with other tables. Before my physical health tanked about six months ago I offered to do an three hours across the day so they'd be able to take a break. Shes now demanding that I cover the table the entire day because it's not fair that someone is always going to be on their own. I know shes being unreasonable but she has a way of convincing and minipulating you into believing your at fault.

99% of the time shes a good friend, so I don't want to ruin our friendship completely. But I'm sitting here sobbing because I've had an awful four months, my auntie died, my grandpa is dying and I might have lung cancer and all of this shit has happened with uni and finances and all I want is to be home with my mam where I feel safe and secure and loved. I'm doing all I can and all I want is a break.

If this person is really your friend they will understand why you can't man this table. Don't fall prey to her manipulation, because a real friend would never subject you to that. Put yourself first.

@Aquamarine1029, I'm trying. I just feel so broken and beaten down and alone I don't know what to do or how to cope. I know there is very little I can do to improve my situation this weekend. Benefit offices, Citizens Advice and uni support office are closed. But in the meantime I can clear and sort my living space and make being here slightly easier to bear.
I really just want a hug from my mum and for her to tell me that everything is going to be ok.

Anyone that demands something of you isn’t a friend.

Tell her straight that whilst you originally did you would help out you now no longer can due to ill health. It’s up to you if you want to elaborate or not but you are under no obligation to explain anything.

Sometimes it does feel like it’s all crumbling away around you but this will be a temporary phase in your life and things will get better. You are taking positive steps to address your debt which is good.

Can you arrange a visit home or speak to your mother on the phone and tell her what’s going on in your life? Even if she can’t do anything it might help just to have her sympathetic ear.

What makes you think you have lung cancer? You sound quite young so it seems unusual.

Hi there.

I know exactly where you are, I'm just 'coming up' from about 3 years of mental down and have poor physical health.

Tell your flatmate 'no', make an imaginary appointment with a doctor if you have to and say it is your doctor's advice.

I've recently had input from, 'Incomemax', who checked all benefit entitlements and have linked me to a grant making trust.

I'm not exactly sure who they reother than they are the one of the good guys - 0300 777772

I was contacted because I changed my energy supplier and they class me as vulnerable.

@Soola, I don't want to tell her my business because I'm a very private person. Especially when it comes to finances and health. Thing is I'm not quite in debt yet. I had savings and I cancelled my subscriptions months ago. I'd say I have this month and nexts rent before I'm in debt. If I speak to my mum I'd breakdown and she's in a very fragile place herself. It was her sister who died and her father is dying. I haven't told her about my issues with uni or health because I don't think she can take it.

I've just came back to my houseshare after being with her after my lung collapsed and I spend three months ill and recovering. I'm 24 and I was born really early and my lungs didn't form properly. I've also got several autoimmune disorders known for causing cancer and my specialist has me on a waiting list to be tested. If it's not cancer it could be COPD or one of several other nasty things.

I have no one to talk to because I don't really have that many friends I trust with this sort of information and I don't want to scare my mum till I know whats happening with me health wise.

@sashh, thanks I'll look into them. It's so hard because I have to be strong for my family and everyone else. I hate being vulnerable and tbh it's caused me a lifetime of mental health issues. I feel so stupid for just wanting my mum at 24, but I do.

I'll check them out and see if they can help as I'm definitely classed as a vulnerable adult.

Oh you sound so stressed op, I can hear it in every line. I think it would be great if you did manage to find someone to take on your lease. A fresh start somewhere else may be just what you need. This friendship sounds a little one sided and domineering. A good friend should notice you are struggling and shouldn't demand you do anything.

I can understand your health is giving you worries but try to take your mind off it in the wee small hours. Have you tried the relaxation hypnosis videos on youtube? Some of these were brilliant when I was getting over a life threatening health issue. I felt very calm during them and drifted off to sleep. A good sleep will help you feel more fired up to deal with things in the morning.

Hey never feel stupid for wanting your mum! That's what mums are for. We love to be wanted and needed by our kids. I want my mum when I'm ill and I'm more than double your age.

You need to do what's best for you because no one else will put you first. If that means time off your course and an extended visit home, go for it.

@itwaseverthus, it feels like my head is about to split open. I can't even get into my room properly because I left it in a state when I was taken to hospital the first time. I've a message ready to send to a friend whos friend was looking for a lease a little while ago. I've no idea how I'll find somewhere else to live in the city with no deposit but if I end up moving back in with my mum I'll be able to save some money for the deposit for next year if I'm able to get back to my studies then. She'd not charge me £500 a month to live with her, just additional food, heating and electric costs. I don't know how I'd explain the not being at uni though. I think I'd probably tell her a little white lie and say that the uni messed up the resit dates for the exam I missed because of the funeral and I'm having to take a year out because they cant arrange that type of exam and marking for one person and by the time that they do I'd be too far behind my peers to catch up. I'd feel awful but at least she'd not worry about it.

My mums amazing and despite our difficulties I never doubt that she loves me. She has her own struggles with depression and anxiety and I worry myself sick over her, especially now. I think I'm going to tell her that a lot of my anxiety is coming from me thinking my autoimmune issues are causing lung issues without specifying what they are. She knows I'm worried about my finances and I'm ashamed to say is helping me out until they're sorted. I am keeping track of by how much though so I can pay her back ASAP.

OP

As you are at uni go and talk to them, they will have counsellors and it wounds like you might need to suspend your studies.

If you do suspend you might be entitled to benefits not available to most students.

Just because you have always been the strong one doesn't mean you always have to.

I just feel like I'm failing at everything and I cant fix it. Everything is falling too fast for me to control and I'm scared.

@sashh, I've already suspended my studies and I've an appointment at a drop in clinic at the student support hub on Monday. They're going to provide some sort of advice and support apparently. On Thursday I've an appointment at JobCenter to go over my Universal Credit claim. I'm taking my letter from the uni about being on a LOA and my PIP award letter and diagnostic reports so they can put them on file. I figure the more proof I have the better.

I'm making an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau now as well. I'm also looking into how to self refer to mental health services.

Look at it this way. Until you get your mental health on a more even keel, you won't progress much at Uni as you will be still all over the place. Does it not make sense to just be truthful with everyone? It's usually the hardest but also the simplest way. Tell uni you are in a bad way, get deferred or whatever it's called, tell your mum you need some time back with her, tell your flatmate no dice on the waitressing thing, your health is a priority right now. No health, no life. It's that simple. Then when you get sorted, restart things.

@itwaseverthus, uni are aware they've already approved the leave, but until I find a new tenant I'm stuck in the houseshare. I've already suspended my studies once due to mental health issues and my older siblings were vile about it and it was really hard on my mum worrying about my mental health. I don't want to put her through that again. She'll understand me leaving my houseshare and wanting to be back with her though.

It’s difficult to ignore when you believe other people are judging you, especially siblings, but I’m afraid you have to take a “sod you” attitude towards anyone who isn’t supportive. You can hear the stress you are under in every word you write. Just go and do something different for the next couple of hours or so, something that’ll make you relax, you need to break the cycle you are in. You say you have numerous appointments next week, that’s fabulous, well done you for getting it sorted, but you can’t do any more now, until then, and worrying about it isn’t going to make the weekend go by any quicker. Can you do anything nice this weekend to take your mind off it? Get into the countryside, go for a walk, picnic, visit a garden? Anything you like doing. As for the “friend”, tell her you are not well, end of. You’re unable to help. As for the house share, where have you advertised? Can you advertise on social media? Gumtree? Campus?

Hang on in there... I hope your medical problems are not as serious as you believe, and get talking to a doctor about your mental health.

Many many condolences for your family loss, and your Grampy. It’s perfectly fine to want your mum, doesn’t matter what age you are. After I had my first baby, I had this overwhelming need to be with my mum... I’m sure your mum would be devasted to know you are so unwell, but telling her even white lies will get found out. Be completely honest with her, she’s your mum, and you are her baby.... she’ll want to look after you. Be there for each other during this difficult time.

All the very best 💐

@LETW, I've put a note on my door saying 'been up all night ill, don't wake me up, your flyers and bunting are on the table' and I'm hoping and praying that she takes notice of it. She will likely knock and complain and want to talk so I have headphones to put on when that happens so I can ignore her. If I answer my door I'll get dragged into it.
Theres not a lot around here that I can do without a car so I think I'll end up staying in and organizing the chaos that is my room. I feel a bit better now I've had a vent and a cry. I know that I've done all I can for now and that helps. I've also made a todo list for next week when offices open up. Like apply for disability bus pass and blue badge and print paperwork for the meetings and list various clothing and collectibles I have no use for online and get mum to forward the paperwork I need onto me.

I don't know how bad my medical issues are, I'm still waiting for testing but I know my specialist is very worried. It was my uni supervisor who advised me to tell her that it was the unis mistake. I've seen her a lot about different things and it was her recommendation based on what she learnt about me and my difficulties in the two years we've known each other. She gets that its harder when your the first in your family to go to uni because they have no idea how difficult it is or the commitment you've made and what that can do to you.

I've found over the years with my family its easier to say nothing and to let them assume. I don't like it but it helps preserve my sanity and saves my mums feelings. She feels so much guilt already about my physical and mental health I can't add to that now. She's done so much for me and I need to be there for her now. Anymore stress will seriously hurt her. My sisters and I are terrified because she lives for my grandpa and if anything happens to him she'll die.

It's just a shitty situation all round and no matter what I do or say I can't make it better, so I'm aiming for not making it worse.

I'm not allowed to advertise my room because its through a private lettings agent but I've spoken to a lot of people about it, friends of friends and people at church and the like.

OP

It sounds like you are getting your ducks in order.

Don't worry what other people think, you need time for you. Once you have attended all your appointments leave and go to your mum.

I get the whole, 'fits in the family' thing, my mum thought uni was like school, that you went in everyday and studied 9- 5 then did homework.

Yeah, I'm taking comfort from the fact that even if it doesn't look like it I'm doing something. Its not instantaneous but it's in the works. I think once I've got someone to take over my tenancy I'll be going home until I've got somewhere else to live and a job or some money saved and I'm able to return to my studies. But I think even when I finally do that I'll be looking to live alone. I think considering my health its the best thing for me. I think if I were living with different people though that might also be different. I think this friend and a seemingly lovely but actually quite judgy housmate are making the living situation worse.
It shouldn't take too long to find a new tenant because it's in a perfect location and is cheaper per week than anywhere else around here. It's just not doable without a student loan for me.