Career regrets - I have a few

[Purplegloves]

So, over the last decade (possibly even longer), I have been deeply regretting the direction my career has gone in, and now - with two very young DDs and next to no support network in terms of childcare (aside from my DH, who works 9 to 5 and nursery 4 days a week) - I feel like I'm trapped and the career I desperately wish I'd pursued is now an impossible dream.

Basically, I come from a family of a number of nurses and, although I have always enjoyed learning about the human body, during school and university I was encouraged by teachers and family to go in the direction of media and communications as arts subjects were my strength. This industry is what I have ended up working in since I finished my degree.

The thing is, I am deeply unsatisfied. This sounds very cheesy and cringeworthy but I feel like I am experiencing almost like a calling, deep within my tummy, to be a midwife. I can't shake it off and it makes me so incredibly sad to think that I will probably have to put this dream in a box and lock it away.

I'm going to share why it is impossible, which isn't easy as I am deeply, deeply ashamed. When I was at school I had zero confidence in maths and science so basically didn't even try. If you weren't good at a subject, our teachers would quite happily let you sink. It makes me so angry looking back as I had no support. I got an E in maths and DD in science. Wow, looking at that makes me feel utterly s**t.

I have been looking into university degrees but they are all asking for at least a grade C in both subjects. I would gladly work bloody hard to retake both subjects, however nowhere local to me offers this. Also, I keep on reading that you need very flexible childcare arrangements and a good, solid support network. This is totally understandable with the long and antisocial hours to are expected to do. I do not have anything like this - my DH leaves early, gets back late, my family are miles away and my DH's mum can only pick up my DDs one day a week from nursery and deliver them back to me at home.

I don't really know why I'm sharing this or what I am expecting in response. I just feel like an utter failure and incredibly sad, to the point of tears, that I can't do anything about this desire I have to retrain and do a job in which I would be actively helping people. It is a career so matched to my personality and interests, and I would truly work so damn hard. But hey, what's the point. I'm nearly 36 too, so probably too old.

Thank you so much for listening and sorry this post is so long and probably makes no sense. I am a tad sleep deprived as DD2 is only a few months old. I really needed to have a good vent, although to be honest I'm not really feeling any better!

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can get over this horrid feeling? Any tips? Is there a magic way I could make it work? Please, please, please be kind. Thank you again.

I felt much the same when I'd just had my children. I was in a media/communication job and it felt meaningless. I really wanted to retrain but it just wasn't practical.

I hung in there with the career I was in, and as my family got bigger I appreciated things about it that I hadn't appreciated before - like its flexibility, the fact that I was paid a reasonable amount, and the bits of it that I enjoyed. I worked at gradually retraining myself, still in the same field, making it more and more flexible so that it fitted around my family, and eventually I went freelance so that I was able to pick and choose what I worked on and who I worked with, while working much shorter hours but earning the same amount.

I am really glad I stuck with it, rather than going through a long hard career change. My children are older teens now, and I'm glad I got to spend more time with them, rather than locking myself away to study, and heading off for long shifts. My mum did retrain into a medical profession when I was a teenager, and I missed her desperately at the time.

My SIL has retrained as a doctor while having a family. It's been very tough, and she's on the verge of giving up. My sister works for the NHS too, also in a medical role, and has had time off sick with stress, and is feeling trapped in a dead end.

Maybe you'll find a way to retrain, but don't feel like a failure if you don't.

And BTW, one of my best friends retrained as a nurse at 50, after her children had left home, and is loving it. You're not too old even if you wait a while.

Ok, maybe you can't do it now because the children are so small, but what about 2 or 3 or even 5 years time?

Even if you go back as a very mature student you could still have a 20year+ career as a midwife. It's not unachievable AT ALL.

Do you definitely need those grades to go back as a mature student?

I've just finished my nursing degree with one baby during the course and another one due soon. On a very practical level you will need family support or flexible childcare. You do 50% placements and most are not flexible with shifts and you do what your mentor does. We had a place at nursery where I gave them a weeks notice of what shifts I needed, my DH did the drop off and pick up on the days I was working as he worked regular office hours. My MIL picked up the times when childcare wasnt an option (such as when DS was ill or weekends when my DH was sent abroad to work!). Its hard because life gets in the way but on the other hand I was so much more motivated than I was as an 18 year old.
Secondly I would see if there is an access to midwifery course at your local college or any maths support. There are many many many drug calculations through the course which you will get support with but it would really help you having a good understanding. Any human biology or anatomy and physiology would also be helpful. I had a friend who got straight in through clearing without the required grades and she struggled with anatomy and physiology the whole way through and unfortunately failed her 2nd attempt in 3rd year and has had to delay graduating for a year.

That is the negative side but on the positive I absolutely do not regret my decision to pack in my boring office job and do nursing, I love it. It's a tough 3 years but worth it once you get to the other side! Good luck with everything.

You're only 36! This is not unachievable at all.

Is there an access course near you? Some bits will seem very easy to you but it will get you up to speed on what you've missed (which is precisely ZERO to be ashamed about btw).

Childcare will be harder as PP has said. Your DH will have to be totally different on board and he'll have a few years of having to do extra realistically so it's a joint decision.

But do not write this off. You clearly have a really strong pull towards it, so look into all the practical bits rather than deciding that it's not possible right off the bat.

I think if you want to make it happen you can. But you will have to pay for childcare. And universities take on mature students who don't have the grades so you need to contact them directly and find out what's what. You can retake your exams if need be. It will take hard work. But it's perfectly possible. If you want something badly just do it. Don't find excuses.

Grades are not an insurmountable obstacle at all. Nursing and midwifery are top-heavy with mature students, and a huge number of them come in via Access courses that they take as adults. Even if you got the right marks as a teenager, most unis want recent study and a recent academic reference. So redoing your Level 2 and Level 3 is a very, very typical route into midwifery and nursing. When I was getting ready to apply, you could even get a loan for the Access course which would be written off if you completed a degree--may still be the case.

Childcare is more tricky. You won't have much say over your placement shifts, and they will be any and all hours, and if you can't attend you won't be able to pass the placements. You really need a plan A, B and C for childcare. But your children will get older, so it's a temporary obstacle. You won't be too old.

Have you read any of the threads on here by midwives discussing what the job is actually like, and wanting to leave the profession because they joined to help people but the reality of how they're having to work means they can't?

You seem to have a very rose tinted view of what it would be like (it's not like Call the Midwife) and a very catastrophic view of your own life and yourself. Neither are realistic.

Berating yourself won't make you feel more positive about yourself. That's like bashing your head against a wall to try and ease a headache! Try a bit of kindness and fairness instead.

Just because things feel bleak today, doesn't mean they can't be changed to become something that makes you happy, even if what you end up with is different to the picture you had in your head.

Read Leah Hazzards book Hard Pushed for some insight. She trained as a midwife later in life with children etc. It's a good read x

I feel trapped as well. I wish I had established my career before having children. I have 2 under 3 and my DH works long hours. I want to do a 2 year MSc in OT but with the cost of childcare (£1000s) and the degree cost (nearly £20,000) and loss of income? No way, I hate it but the maths don’t work sadly.

Could you aim for a job as a healthcare assistant on a maternity ward until your kids are older? I don't know what experience or training you'd need to get this.

Sorry I've forgotten their proper job titles but I remember how amazing the ones on my ward were when I needed them.

I'm the same. I was good at both arts and maths at school and was encouraged with maths. I did a maths degree and ended up as a statistician. It's cushy but not my passion though. I discovered sewing a few years ago and would love to be a dressmaker/tailor/designer, but it's so hard to break into and full of keen young people. There are so many fashion courses, all expensive, and it's like sifting through quagmire trying to guess which would be useful or not.

I quit my last job cold turkey to pursue a fashion course, but chickened out at the prospect of spending £6k+ and it turning out to be useless. I've worked hard saving up £30k over the past 4 years and it came down to risking doing this course, or buying a house. Buying a house won. I've instead started another data science job which seems better than my last job, and pays well with a good work-life balance. But the sewing career is niggling in the back of my mind and everytime I see an article about someone doing it for a living, I get a twinge of jealousy. I'm going to build it up on the side and do evening courses, but it's so slow going. I have no advice other than sympathy. Though in your case, you'll have a guaranteed job after qualifying, so it's much less risky.

A really, really big heartfelt thank you to everyone who has replied to my very self-indulgent and negative post. I am feeling so much better this morning after getting a good night's sleep and having a cuddle with my DC. I was feeling incredibly emotional and glum last night but reading all of your responses, which are so helpful and kind, have helped massively.

Obviously no one can fully prepare you for what a job is going to be like until you are in the thick of it, so I do understand the rose-tinted glasses comment up-thread. I have done lots of reading on the realities of going into midwifery / nursing, as well as talking to family members and friends. So I am under no illusion that it would be a walk in the park, especially with the immense pressure the NHS is under. It's just this feeling I have - that can be overwhelming at times - keeps on coming back, no matter how much I hear about how nightmarishly hard it can be. Perhaps this is the passion that drives people who work in very challenging roles? And it isn't all doom and gloom, as there are people who say they love their job, don't regret going into it for a minute, find it so rewarding, etc. I sometimes wonder whether I could be one of those people...

I will have another hunt around for the threads in which nurses and midwives are discussing the negative sides of the profession as in an entirely selfish way, this may make me feel better! I would like to say, however, that everyone who works in the medical / caring profession - I admire them so much and think that what they do, day in day out, is amazing.

I completely empathise with everyone who has shared their frustrations and ambitions and hope that you all achieve them and are happy. Or that you find peace. I also really, really appreciate everyone's wonderfully reassuring practical advice and similar experiences. I appreciate it so much and my confidence has been given a little boost. I still feel a bit like a failure (sorry for the self pity again!) BUT I don't feel totally hopeless! I am also buoyed up by the fact that some people retrain in their late 40s / 50s - so you never know. And the access courses mean that my terrible GCSE results taken a million years ago, don't necessarily mean that I should be punished forever more!

On a more positive note (because most of the time I do try to be a more glass-half-full type of person, honest!) I have decided that the situation as it stands, particularly in terms of childcare, means that I will have to pop this back on the shelf (again) for a few years. However, I cannot ignore this strong pull towards doing something in the caring profession so I have decided to look into volunteering at my local hospital. Having had a look on its website, the roles are surprisingly quite interesting and varied and perhaps it will help me to either come to terms with the fact that this aspiration may not happen (actually being in the midst of a hospital environment and seeing how it really is) or give me even more determination to pursue this career when my girls are older.

Thank you so much again for all your responses - I love this kind, gentle, supportive side of Mumsnet.

Hospital volunteering is such a good idea. I hope you find a role that's right for you.

Sometimes being a volunteer actually brings the best of both worlds into your life, as you get the opportunity to do something meaningful and fulfilling without many of the factors that can make people ill or burnt out - and without being prevented from doing the simple caring things you wanted to do for people that staff may not be able to do. Volunteers can have freedom to offer more than public services (just look at all the voluntary things going on in communities).

The things that bring you meaning, purpose and fulfilment don't have to be things you are paid to do as your job. There are other ways to build a rich life.

Good luck with it all.

OP, have you looked into options such as becoming a doula, or other tangentially related options? I know some very fulfilled maternity nurses, for instance, who help women (who can afford it, yes) in the first few months after birth.

Anyway, don’t give up on yourself. FWIW, i think many women experience this sort of career dissatisfaction when their DC are small and it can take different forms. Don’t rule out that many things can change as your DC get older, including working with your DH to ask for more flexible working himself to support your career.

I think volunteering is a good idea. I would also strongly recommend getting some experience as a healthcare assistant in maternity before deciding whether to do midwifery. I was absolutely certain it was what I wanted to do; I'd hung out on midwifery forums for years, I'd read books, journals, I'd been a doula etc etc. Six months into actually working in maternity and I realised that it would have been a terrible mistake for me to train as a midwife. My friend who was working alongside me found that it confirmed her choice.

I did end up training as a HCP but in a very different specialty, which I love, but would never have found out about without my HCA experience, so it all worked out for the best. Good luck!

Friend is... 55? & training to be an HCA. She did it as bank staff for a while first. Physician's Associate is an interesting degree, too.

Clockwork nightingale
My son at 38 is just starting an access to nursing course and yes you don’t have to pay back the cost of the course if you carry on yo uni
He’s loving it and wants distinctions
His children are 21, 16 and 10
He got 8 grade Cs at GCSE’s but didn’t really stick in
He’s now in a dead end job that he can’t stand and has chucked his hat into the ring of nursing
He wants to be a theatre nurse
Money is already tight and I hope it won’t get tighter
The elder two are at college and uni but live at home.
I’m very proud of him
I just wish he’d listened when younger

What a lovely reply Purplegloves. I'm glad you're feeling happier this morning.

I'm glad you're feeling better too.

You have time, ambition and drive. You can make this happen if you decide to at a time that suits you.

Volunteering is a great suggestion too.

36 is not too old. You have at least 24 working years left. Even if you were 50, I would tell you to go for it!

I completely understand your pain. I am working in a completely different field to the one I studied in. I am not in a position to study now as we have DC and a mortgage. I am crap at maths - sat GCSE exam two years in a row and received a lower grade than you. I did a numeracy course in order to get onto my degree.

Not too old! I know someone who started training as a midwife at the age of 40, has graduated and recently started her first job.

She also had children (older than yours, to be fair), so it can be done.
Don't give up on that dream - you can do this.

I feel like this about working with wild animals. Having my DS made me realise I can't reach him to go for his dreams when I never went for mine. Right now, I can't retrain or volunteer, DS is only 1 and we want more children if possible and my current job is regular hours, no weekends and pays alright. One day, I would more than love to work with animals in a zoo setting. Large mammals, giraffes, elephants or tapiers, possibly bears but they are limited in the UK. It would probably have to be sun bears. But right now, I investigate for a living. Polar opposites. I hope one day I can achieve it but I know what you mean about being restricted by family circumstances. You're not alone and I think for some reason, having children makes you realise.

OP your certainly not to old, I am 38 and looking at applying for midwifery this year or next. Been an ambition for years but put it in a box so to speak. After my fourth baby a few months ago I decided its now or never and have to try. Like you I also currently have an E grade in maths and D grade in science. I have just started my GCSE maths at college at night and an access to health professions course via distance learning. 2 of the 3 universities closest to me do not require GCSE science as the access course will cover it, however one does. I hopefully will have some volunteering lined up soon as have been contacting a few places. Other than my husband I have no support network either. Don't give up if that's you want to do, figure out a plan even if it takes you a while to get there. There is a great Facebook group called Secret community for midwives in the making, it's full of aspiring, student and qualified midwives who offer some great advice, help and support wherever you are on your journey, maybe worth a look?