At my wit's end

[HerRoyalFattyness]

DS2 is 4, just started reception.

His behaviour is horrendous. So horrendous in fact, that the school have arranged a meeting with me on Monday to discuss this.

He is defiant, cocky, angry, emotional and can be violent.

I am a nursery nurse and although I work with babies, I am literally trained to deal with him.

He will listen to me. When he's in a good mood.
But when he's not he is awful.

A few examples from the last 2 days.

He screamed, kicked, cried, shouted and clenched his fists at his teachers. For 3 and a half hours. Because he didn't want to write his name.
He threw a toy at DS1 (who is 10) Because DS1 folded his uniform for him.
He smacked DS1. For telling their dad on him for throwing a toy.
He used a toy to hit DS1. Because he didn't want to get dressed and blamed DS1 for it.
He grabbed DD (5) by the hand and bent it backwards and refused to let go when she was in tears begging him to stop. (Apparently he was playing peanuts. No idea where he got that game from)
He cried (loudly) for 4 hours because I told him it was bedtime.
He threw his toys around his bedroom. Because it was bedtime.

DP is a SAHD and he broke down in tears to me last night because he feels he is failing.
I feel I am failing.

But when he is in a good mood he is honestly the sweetest, kindest, most caring little boy. He loves animals, asks to help do things like putting washing in the machine, help hang it up to dry, help wash the pots etc.
And he loves to cuddle. He is so affectionate.

But I just don't know what to do anymore.
I feel broken from it.

I'm going to go into school on Monday and be open to any suggestions (obviously)
But I'm just feeling pretty rubbish about the entire situation to be honest.
I look at him and see these two complete opposites. This amazing little boy with his big blue eyes, who loves nothing more than a cuddle from his mummy. And this little boy who is so angry and I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Has his behaviour been worse since starting school? It sounds like he's completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

Would you consider picking him up after lunch each day for a couple of weeks to see whether he copes better when he's only attending for a short amount of time?

Little fish
He was in the preschool attached to the school before starting and was the same then. So this isn't new.
They phased him in slowly, doing half days for a few weeks before starting full time, but his behaviour was the same then.
And he is the same on weekends with us at home.
Last weekend, he tried to destroy DS1s Lego creation because "it's not a pirate ship. I want a pirate ship"
So I of course removed him and tried to see if building a pirate ship with him would help but he just started throwing Lego about because he wanted DS1 to build a pirate ship.
Later on, once we thought DS2 had calmed down and would be more reasonable (I'm talking a good few hours later!) DS1 built him a pirate ship, but it wasn't good enough because he didn't break his previous creation to do it. And that set him off again, screaming, crying, shouting etc.

It sounds like he has significant difficulties with flexible thinking. He has a pattern in his head for what "should" happen and doesn't manage when things deviate from his "plan". This causes anxiety and meltdown. Situations where there are expectations placed upon him also trigger this.

Some kids like this are autistic, specifically demand avoidant autistic presentation popularly known as "PDA". You might want to look it up and see if it resonates.

abstract
I'm autistic myself and have considered all sorts for him, and whenever I think I have something that "fits" he then starts behaving for a bit
and I know that that doesn't mean he isn't suffering, as people don't realise my difficulties unless I tell them.

I'm just so worried that I'm looking for things that aren't there and risk people trying to excuse his behaviour, because regardless of anything else going on, he still can't be acting this way.
And I do understand that he is struggling, but we need to find ways that help him, whether he has additional needs or not.

It would do no harm to look up the strategies for PDA as these are essentially low pressure strategies that will probably help regardless of diagnosis for him.

As you know yourself, resilience isn't constant. If someone is tired, overwhelmed, off colour, in a difficult sensory situation, their resilience will be less. So anyone, including an autistic person, may handle similar situations differently on different days.

Tbh if you are autistic yourself it is quite likely that your lad is neurodiverse

He needs a CAHMS assessment for ASD. As you know autism has a genetic factor in some cases, so it's likely is is on the spectrum somewhere. Getting him assessed early is in his best interests to getting the support he needs.