How can I work out what *I* want?

[AriellaBella]

I'm feeling a bit stuck.

I'm in a position in life where I don't feel sure about anything.

My relationship is a bit shit. My working life doesn't really sit right with family life. I just feel that this isn't how I want my life to be.

But I can't figure out how to fix it, or what I do want.

I could go into details here, but that just means being influenced by people here (not that that's a bad thing, but it means that it's not me working out what's right for me). I've got a counsellor but she seems to be working to her own agenda, and I don't think is entirely impartial/unbiased. I have got friends, but again they often suggest what to do.

I am easily influences by others (probably how I got into this relationship mess), so other people giving me suggestions of what to do isn't really what I need.

What I do need is a way to figure out what I really want. And to work out what my intuition/gut/heart is telling me. But I've no idea how to do that.

Any suggestions?

Do I need a life coach? Do I just need to go and sit quietly for a bit? A retreat?!

What things make your heart sing? What things make you feel light and full of joy? What makes you feel proud of yourself? What would make you feel like the balance in your life was right? Only you can answer those questions, once you know those answers, you can look for ways to adjust your life to achieve those things.

If you are in a long term relationship with someone who feels that they love you and considers you but you feel doesn't, what would you do? Have tried talking to him but he doesn't listen! Today he just lay on the sofa with the dog whilst I collected a heavy parcel (a chair) up the garden and up a flight of stairs! Please advise me?

@JontyDoggle37 thanks for the reply. Struggling for answers - I don’t remember feeling light and full of joy for a long time. But will work on finding answers. Thanks.

Picture yourself now where you are in life then picture yourself content and happy in 5 years. What does that look like? Can you see your current partner on a date night, a different career path maybe? Someone new? Exploring being free?

If you're finding that too hard now in the thick of it, let yourself daydream, see where your mind leads you. Explore different scenarios and how you feel about them. I think the hardest part is recognising you're not where you want to be and taking the first steps into changing it, it's a scary place to be when you're second guessing yourself. Good luck

May not work for you, but reading your post I thought of Samaritans.

Not because you sound suicidal - you don't have to be suicidal to talk to them - but because one of their ground rules is that they don't offer advice or make suggestions. They just sort of nudge you with questions and reflections to help you figure your own thoughts out.

You can email them if you don't fancy phoning. Sometimes email is better because it gives you more time to think over their response and so on. [email protected]

They keep emails for a rolling month, so you can get a bit of a dialogue going and mull things over, go at your own pace, etc. Could be an avenue to this:

What I do need is a way to figure out what I really want.

Thanks @FfsGail and @quincejamplease.

I would never have thought of the Samaritans, and I'll mull that over to see how well it sits. But I completely understand why you have suggested it - it would be helpful to speak to someone who doesn't know me, or my history, and can't guide me in any particular direction.

I think I'm a bit rubbish at being imaginative and creative and letting myself dream. I'm always the grounder who grounds other people's dreams and gets them to focus on the details. Trying to allow myself to explore possibilities that may not actually be viable possibilities would be hard for me. I can try, though!