How can we help DC?

[Howtohelp123]

Please I know this may not be the right place to ask but we genuinely need some help. Please don't bother to comment if you're going to just bash Step parents and DH for not being with the DC.

Background, DH has three wonderful DC (DS 13, DD 9 and DD 5). DH split with DC Mum many years ago due to emotional abuse from her towards DH. It was the hardest decision he made to leave DC but he had to leave for him on mental health.

Generally she is a wonderful, caring Mum however due to her own mental health issues she puts a lot of emotional burden on the DC. They feel responsible for her emotions and are always very wary of upsetting her as they know she's vulnerable.

DH sees the children EOW and twice during the week, this is as much as he can as he works away and we live an hour away from DC.

Sometimes he won't see DC if their Mum is feeling down as the DC don't want to leave her alone. Their Mum has a partner but of late this has been rocky and again this has been put onto the children.

We just don't know how we can support the children. They should not feel responsible for their Mums happiness/emotions. We can't speak to Mum as she doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong. The DC sometimes mention things then you can see they feel like thy are betraying their Mum so they clam up.

It's so difficult to see how we can help everyone involved.

It’s sounds like she is really struggling and needs some help, has your husband tried speaking to her firmly and telling her how it effects the kids. Mental health is a serious thing and support is the key to getting better x

I've suggested DH speaks to her parents as he's still in contact. The difficulty is they are not the type of people to open up and admit there's an issue.

It's just very sad for everyone involved.

Not that long ago if the youngest is 5 unless they were conceived after the break up.

The things I think would help:
Offer to have the dc when they want to come, don't put pressure on them if they want to stay with their dm.
Speak to the school if you have concerns about their mental health.
If you can alleviate the burden on the dc by offering practical help to their dm, then I would, whatever you think about her.
Be a non-judgemental listener and never criticise their dm.
If the dc want to be with their df then he needs to alter his work to accommodate this.

My final comment is not meant as "bashing", but I wonder whether you might be able to reconsider your narrative where the ex is the bad abuser who is harming the dc and your dh did nothing wrong. It seems to an outsider like their might have been mistakes made on both sides. It might be helpful to try to work alongside the co-parent rather than blaming them solely.