Hurt that ds1 wants to live with ExH

[OldMotherHubbardsBigBottom]

I have 3dc. Eldest son lives with me but would now like to live with dad. He’s nearly 15, I understand that he needs his dad more and more and whilst this hurts massively I know it’s not about choosing between who he loves the most. DS1 and I have a fantastic relationship.

I currently receive £400 in maintenance for all 3 (private arrangement- exH earns 6 figures but as he is self employed I know that if I went through CMS he would declare the very low wage he pays himself formally and that the dividends etc would go undeclared so I’d end up with less).

If ds1 moves in with dad, I will pay him maintenance of £400/3 so £134 a month. And naturally he will not pay me maintenance for ds1 so I will receive £266 for the other two. Seems little sense in us paying each other, he might as well just pay me the balance of £132.

And he can claim for child benefit for ds1 instead, as per expected as Child Benefit goes to whoever does the majority of caring.

So not only are we losing lovely ds1 from our daily lives, but ds2 and ds3 will also lose out on not only his presence but we will be really struggling for money with the loss of about £300 a month. I am saving at the moment for a couple of big school trips that the older two have coming up as the agreement is that we split big residential trips 50/50, but I’m not going to be able to contribute to stuff like this any more.

This is like adding insult to injury, I am terribly upset about ds1 going to his dads (trying my hardest to be supportive of his choices and not to get dragged into the emotional politics but it’s so hard) and this feels like a further kick in the teeth following the end of a marriage that was at times financially and emotionally abusive, that I have tried so so hard to shield the boys from.

Not sure what the point of this thread is really. Friends have been v kind but I'm a bit embarrassed at how much of an impact this will have on the other two and I'm feeling like a total clusterfuck of a parent. I've not protected from the fall out of our marriage at all, have I? I have failed massively to provide a decent home that a) they all actually want to live in and b) that will be able to give them a reasonable standard of living. I'm gutted.

Could you suggest a 3 month trial with no changes in finances? If ds has made a huge mistake it's a nightmare changing it all back.
Sounds like ex can afford it.

My ds moved ft with me and ex continued to claim for 10 months. Was hell getting it sorted.

Can you discuss this with your ex?

He may agree to keep up the same payment arrangements for the sake of his other kids! Or a compromise of him paying a bit less and you not paying him at all!

It depends entirely on your current relationship with him, I suppose!

Thanks both for replying. I could be catastrophising couldn't I, ex may not be intending on changing the arrangement so drastically. Just feels like the world is collapsing in on me a bit!

I would suggest to your ex, financially wise, that 1/3 of your children leaving won't necessarily mean 1/3 in a decrease in your costs. There are things you still have to buy regardless!

Presumably he will still come over and stay with you sometimes so you're not really losing him, it's just that he is getting older and wants to try living with dad. That's quite normal actually, and the reverse.

As others have said, ex may not change the financial arrangements and it would be a good idea to leave things as they are for a trial period and see how it goes.

£400 per month for 3 kids seems a rather small amount. It may be worth you consulting with a family solicitor and going for something more formal. You are both equally responsible, financially, for providing the best home and life you can for you DC. If you’re exDH is hiding money to get out off paying for his DC appropriately (obviously not sure of the background but am assuming you took time off work for maternity and to be at home with the DC?) then that is not your fault. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. If you are the one parenting on a daily basis, setting boundaries, making sure school is attended, homework done etc etc, then it may well be that it’s just a case of the grass being greener and the reality of living with his Dad, is very different to his experience with his Dad on a holiday or weekend visit. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
If you have the relationship with Ex that you think you could explain how hard up this will leave you then that is the way to go, and a trial is a very good idea before any permanent changes are made. Hang in there!

Sorry for typos, on my phone and didn’t proof read!

Your sums don't add up! If exh pays you one third less because you only have two children with you, surely the one third he isn't paying you covers DS1 living with him. Why do you then need to give him another third?

@Wonkybanana I think that as non resident parent I should contribute to ds1 in the same way as exh has- that seems right, (numbers aside)

Have you ran your salary through the CMS website? I wouldn't automatically assume that's how much you'd have to pay ex in maintenance.

I really don't think you need to pay him maintenance as he is reducing what he pays you.. That surely covers it for the child staying with him? You are still raising 2/3 of the children and it sounds like, if he is on a 6 figure salary he is paying you way below CMS anyway. I get £400 ish a month for two and my ex is on about 37k. I agree with the pp who said maybe ask for a trial period with a simple reduction or none in maintenance. See if the new arrangement sticks then see what's fair.

Yes he is def paying me below the CMS amount. Because he will "hide" his actual income and only declare the minimum wage he apparently pays himself, meaning they children would get much, much less if I used CMS. The same minimum wage that pays for a 6 bed edwardian country home, a recent extension that cost literally a hundred thousand pounds, four cars and a couple of holidays abroad every year.

But thats beside the point.

I don't want to give him money but if I don't, that fact would most likely be used against me in his conversation with the children at some point. "Well your mum doesn't pay a single pound towards you ds1, that's how much she loves you. Now come with me and we'll buy you everything you want"

I don't need to tell them what an asshole he can be, they'll learn that themselves eventually but it's bloody hard waiting for the penny to drop.

It depends on relations and how you want to play this.

Good terms - talk to him
Explain your emotional and financial loss and ask that he perhaps reduce by £150 rather than £300

Bad terms. Say you’re going to go CMS and report to HMRC. If he’s really earning 6 figures a) difficult to hide b) he’s NOT going to want to risk an investigation

The same minimum wage that pays for a 6 bed edwardian country home, a recent extension that cost literally a hundred thousand pounds, four cars and a couple of holidays abroad every year.

HMRC aren’t stupid. Report him

PS must be very high up 6 figures

My ex on £155k plus £50k bonus and not even close to this kind of living standard

Read the guest post re CMS

If someone suspects their ex-partner of avoiding paying child maintenance, fraud, or not declaring their earnings, they should inform us straight away so we can refer the case to our Financial Investigations Unit (FIU) and investigate the situation fully.

@Loveoddthings do you have a link to that guest post please? I can't find the thread.

We live in a pretty cheap housing area so his salary, whilst large, isn't as large as your ex!

All the anecdotal evidence I've seen of others in a similar position is that non resident parents can get away with hiding income really easily. If this isn't actually the case I might rethink, thanks for the idea :)

@Loveoddthings just found it! Thank you, will have a read.