Bed sharing or cosleeping 11 month old safe sleep help

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I'm a very very reluctant cosleeper. DD has always been a horrendous sleeper, I've tried everything I can.

At present we start bedtime at seven and she wakes hourly until I give in anytime between one and three and then she sleeps with me.

She will be one at the end of the month. I'm reluctant because it terrifies me, professionally I was involved in an overlay case and it haunts me. I wake up cold some nights terrified.

I don't sleep well.

That aside, I lie on top of bed, no covers, no pillows, in dressing gown and sleeping bag for her. DH moves to spare room when she moves in.

My question is when is she big enough for me to have a pillow even high up and a cover. When can dh stay in the bed?

I do have health anxiety and post natal anxiety so may well be over thinking this. Thank you in advance.

Advice changes but I co slept with mine for similar reasons but always had a pillow and duvet. Mine had fleece sleep suits but by 1 then were sleeping under the duvet. The key thing is not to overheat them but once they are mobile the risk reduces. It does depend a lot on you, I don't move at night and used to curl around them, if you thrash about and pull the duvet it would be different

I don't move at all. Dh does.

She's a hot baby naturally, dh the same, always the one stood outside at a wedding etc.

I don't know I'm just longing to snuggle under covers but won't if it's not safe yet. I have read so much about newborn cosleeping but there doesn't seem to be much on this age.

She is crawling, standing, not walking.

That sounds awful, sorry OP. I find co sleeping a bit awkward even with duvet and pillow and husband. Your set up sounds really uncomfortable.

I suspect you'd need to stop co sleeping at all to improve things. She thinks she needs you there to sleep. So if she wakes and you're not there she complains. If I were you I'd fork out for a sleep consultant and sleep train. Sometimes you get so exhausted that you need the confidence a tailored plan will give.

I have pillow edge on my head and duvet lower than DS' head. It never goes over him. I've never felt like I might roll on him. He's 4 months and big enough that I suspect he'd move or wail if anything did go on him.

I've wondered this too - I swore never to cosleep again when I had a horrible incident when DS was six months when I woke up lying partially on him and for a few seconds (the worst few seconds of my life) I thought I'd killed him, but the other night he was very ill and so I took him into bed with me - he's 15 months now so I know I'm being ridiculous but it still feels so unsafe to me (which I know is my own hangup, I know all the statistics about how safe cosleeping is with a tiny one, let alone a toddler) that I ended up just lying awake watching him sleep and progressively throwing all the pillows on the floor as I decided they were hazardous.

Thank you.

@horse4course I can't, that's my point, I've done it all, she will only sleep on me. Near me. I'm so tired I can't even think of trying it again.

@LisaSimpsonsbff yes this is me. On top shivering next to her with back ache.

@Waterloosunsets yes have bed guard, so her in a space and me in sort of middle?

Maybe I should just keep doing dressing gown sleeping. It does seem to work a bit.

Are you breastfeeding?

I’ve bedshared with both of mine from birth. I’ve never not slept with a pillow and except for the very early days (under 8 weeks) I’ve also always slept with a blanket or duvet. You just have to be mindful of where you are and generally you always are. Your body is very naturally attuned to them. Dh sometimes slept in the other room so he didn’t wake us up. But otherwise he’s slept with us (either on a mattress on the floor or now we have a big family bed that is a double and single pushed together). He sleeps in the single and we are in the double. Youngest is nearly 2 now so he sleeps in the middle (dh still technically in a separate bed, but he sleeps on the side of the bed that is between us). When they were little I put them to the outside with a bed guard or cot next to the bed.

Co-sleeping is lovely and it’s safe when planned and done thoughtfully. Really the bed way to sleep is wherever you all get the most of the best quality sleep.

I was BF until seven months, now bottle but not in night, she dropped that herself

Thank you @mindutopia funny I did consider a massive bed.

I just wish there was some clear guidelines on age and this stuff, or maybe I'm missing something

If you breastfeed you are more likely to tune into baby when asleep. I’ve bedshared since birth and found info online from oxfam. We attached a cotbed to the side of the bed and took the side off so it extended the bed. We then wedged it between the bed and the wall. I stopped using a duvet and switched to a fleece throw and made sure to keep the bedroom between 18-22 degrees. You naturally put yourself into a defensive position if you fall asleep breaststfeeding. It’s called the cuddle hug iirc. Let me find the oxfam info

Thank you @Mummoomoocow. I will read anything you can share. I don't BF now though, sadly.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/

Couldn’t find the oxfam leaflet but here’s other sources

According to WHO if baby is breastfed for the first 2 months of life their risk of SIDS is reduced by 50%

I had a similar situation of reluctantly co sleeping at that age; I used to put DD up higher in the bed and me a bit lower so my head by her tummy and then have the cover up to my waist and a dressing gown. It meant the cover wasn’t touching her but kept me warm.

Ok I will read this now, thank you.

Ah, I didn't think about a sort of half cover. That might be a start as its my feet that are freezing, or not but feels like it. Might try that later.

At one I put ds in a fleece sleep suit and when he’d nodded off pushed him to his side of the bed. I had one pillow and a duvet.
Now at 2 he sleeps under the duvet with me but I sleep lower down in the bed than I used to.
Dp is not in the bed with us. We started cosleeping at about 7 months before then he slept in the Moses basket often on the bed. I’m still breast feeding him

I second the “half cover”: I sleep in a fleece dressing gown (seek out one in marks or primark, these are warmer than towelling ones) and a fleece blanket up to my waist. I also tuck it between my legs so that technically it’s actually wrapped around my top leg - but it keeps my feet and lower legs warm. I sleep in one position but I sleep well. I have a pillow. My LO is 9 months. The overlying thing is very scary, and obviously no-one can or should reassure you absolutely: but something awful could happen to a baby lying alone in a crib, too. There are no guarantees. At a year, though, I think your baby is big enough to protest if she becomes uncomfortable or restricted. Try to remind yourself that half the world sleeps like this.

Do you have enough room for a cot next to your bed? My youngest slept with me for the first 14 months and I took the side off his cot and pushed it next to the bed. Meant I could feed lying down (I know you won't be doing this but just for context, see also stroke hair, rub back etc) then when he was soundly asleep I sort of pushed him over to his cot mattress (sometimes used to pull him by his sleeping bag) then I slept happily on my side. The pillow I used was safe because I wedged it against the top of the cot and I never had a problem with my duvet straying into his cot space

I have coslept with my three children from the start without any special arrangements. For reference our bed was 160 cm wide and we put the baby in the middle. All mine have been "bad sleepers" ie they'd wake up a lot and it was much less disruptive to have them in the bed with us, where they would just go back to sleep and I could BF lying down. I made no special arrangements - a pillow under my head, a pillow for my husband, baby straight on the mattress with no pillow, we'd have duvets and I'd cover the baby with a corner of mine up to the chest or so but sure they'd never keep it on. In other words general safe sleeping advice for babies, but in our bed.

I was never anxious about SIDS - I would have worried more if the baby had been away from me, I was very attuned to the baby this way. We don't drink heavily, smoke, or use medication, which are big risk factors, nor are we abnormally heavy sleepers. Co-sleeping is very safe!

If you feel too cramped or similar it's stressful and not much fun. I'd consider getting an extra bed next to yours maybe, you could have the best of both worlds.