Do I leave him?

[1sttimemumma]

After considering it all year I think I am at final decision time with my partner, but I just don’t know what is right. I’ll give the background:

I am nearly 25, he is 32. We met 4 years ago in London and it was pretty much instant. After 6 months of spending every day together we moved in, 6 months later moved out of London and bought a house. 4 months after that I found out I was pregnant. We kept our beautiful daughter, who is now 14 months. In January we moved again to be closer to my family, our home is rented out and we rent somewhere here.

He’s a good guy - he means well and he loves me, I know that. But he’s useless, there is no other way to describe it.
We both work full time and he uses it as a reason to do NOTHING, and I mean nothing. Even when I was pregnant I did everything. I have quite serious anxiety and he doesn’t understand it, leading to us arguing a lot. When he looks after our daughter they do nothing but watch TV, which I hate. He also smokes weed sometimes - which I had no problem with pre baby (I was never an angel), but of course since she has been here I have said it is wrong and he needs to stop.

He earns half the amount I do. I’m not materialistic but being as I am the ‘breadwinner’ you would think he would try and help more in other ways, to make up for that. Also - when he does smoke weed I am furious that this is where his money goes whilst I pay for everything for our daughter.

He is lazy, and doesn’t understand why that is wrong, it is like it is built into him.

I love him, in the way that we really do get on well (when we’re not arguing), but I know that it’s not enough.
I’m terrified though, if you told me 5 years ago I would be a single mum I would have laughed then cried endlessly. It’s not what I wanted from life and I worry the effect it will have on our daughter, but I also know the way he acts will negatively effect her.

I don’t hate him, I’m not angry - I would never stop him seeing her and would do everything I could to make the relationship the three of us would have separated as normal and smooth as possible. I’d love to be able to be his friend.

But I just don’t know. Perhaps it is the stigma around being a single mum, the fact I know he would never ‘intentionally’ hurt me he’s just an idiot stuck in his ways, or the fact that I do love him and will miss him hugely that is stopping me.

Please, any advice would be appreciated.

He is a man child set in his ways and might change his ways if you give him an ultimatum but it’s unlikely.

He really is. The thing is I have said to him before that I’m not happy and I won’t put it with it any longer. He changes for two weeks then goes back to his old ways once I lay off.
I think he lived 29 years with nothing to be responsible for, he had cheap rent as his mum owned a flat he lived in and never lived with a girlfriend.
If he doesn’t change am I right to leave him?

Aren't you already a single mum? When you really look at the big picture, you are a single mum. He's nothing more than an additional burden to you. In every way, you will be so much better off without him.

They don't change, it doesn't get better.
I did everything; I now have one less job....to look after him. It's bliss and the novelty hasn't worn off after 3 years. Being a single mum is ok. DD and I are loving life.

Yes, I suppose I am. I am just scared of admitting failure. I never wanted to be a single mum, I’m scared and I keep trying to convince myself his behaviour is ok, but it’s not is it?

@Livingthedream12345 thank you - this is very reassuring. Part of me is excited, to be able to do things my way and I know that in the long run we will be better off apart - our daughter included.
He’s a good dad in the fact that he loves her - he loves us both - but he’s a bad dad too. He does little to help her learn and I worry endlessly he will rub off on her.

You know it's not ok. As for being afraid of failure, don't be ridiculous. Staying with a cocklodger and modelling this relationship to your daughter is a failure. Leaving him is what a strong woman would do because they know they deserve better.

@aquamarine1029 you are right. If it was her when she was older in the same position I’d tell her to get out. I’ve spoken to my own mother about it a lot and at first she told me to try, but now she too agrees it isn’t what is best.
Part of me feels sorry for him. He doesn’t mean to be a total arse, I don’t think he realises how bad it is - but he is, completely.

P.S, cocklodger is a new favourite word.

If you want more DC, you can't stay with him because it'll be worse. You'll be housing and doing everything for the lot of you.

What sort of practical help could you get as a LP? Would your or his parents step up? Could you afford help?

On the downside, you won't get much maintenance for DD.
On the upside, you're 24. There's a bit more to life than a dopehead idler in the bed, even when you're 75.

If it were me, I would suggest he moves back into his DM's flat for 6 months so you can make up your mind. See how it feels. Don't be guilted into letting him back.

Is by lying if I didn’t admit that I’m worried what people will think...

I’m someone who has ‘messed up’ a lot in life. I bounced round a few schools, did some stupid things and at the end of the day I’m a fairly young mum.

It’s egotistical I know - I don’t know why I care, it’s not like my close friends would disagree with my decision, in fact my best friend is very much pro me going it alone. But still, I suppose I feel like people will think it’s something else I’ve ‘messed up’.

I know that’s not a reason to stay, or that it really matters, but I don’t know how to deal with those feelings without increasing my anxiety even more.

You’d actually probably find it easier without him. You’d have less cleaning up to do, less washing. If his weed habit is bad, I bet that impacts massively on your finances? If I were in your position I’d probably be gearing up to leave. Maybe go to the CAB and find out what you’d be entitled to on your own (not sure what your income is but don’t forget things like you’d get council tax discount for being single). As pp said and ultimatum might force a change but honestly if you being pregnant didn’t, I’d be surprised.

People you know won't mind and people you don't know don't matter.

To be honest, I should think most people would be cheering you on.

Having a rep as a drip when it comes to men is worse.

@Supersimkin2 that’s my problem too - I can’t see the future with this. I do want more kids, but this won’t work with him.

We moved here to be near my mum - she’s an absolute star who loves our daughter like her own and doesn’t work, so helps care for her already whilst I work. I am lucky enough to earn a decent wage, so could put her into nursery 1/2 days a week too without breaking the bank.

That’s my thoughts - I’m young, and I know being a single mother will make things hard, there will be someone one day who sees past that and maybe treats me the way i deserve, which I know is better than this.

His brothers have moved into his mums flat now, so he couldn’t go back - but a break would be good, it’s just that he can’t afford the limbo stage I don’t think. He’d need to move back to London and get a better paid job or rent somewhere here with a friend, leaving them in the lurch if I took him back.

@FaithInfinity I know things would be easier alone. One of the things that entices me the most about being alone is not clearing up after him! Honestly I picture us in our nice clean home without him and it makes me think it might be worth it.
Thank you for the info in regards to council tax discounts etc, I’m lucky enough to earn a decent wage, but it isn’t endless and all things would add up quickly alone I am sure.

@Supersimkin2 true, I’ve been a bit of a mess at certain points but have never let people walk all over me and this doesn’t seem the time to start. If my friends know me for one thing it is my ability to pick myself up, they’d be disappointed to see me not stand up for myself.

The thing is, you're going to have to stop caring so much what others might think because you have a child and the only person who you ought to be concerned with is her. She will watch and absorb the relationships she sees, and is likely to model them as a young woman when she begins to date. Is this what you'd want to see her going through, giving up her valuable time, energy and love for someone who gives her so little in return?

I never wanted to be a single parent. I dreaded various relatives offering their opinions and 'guidance' as to why I'd failed again. But I learned that I'd far rather be flying solo and doing a fucking great job of it than lumbered with a bellend partner offering my child and I nothing and when people commented I pointed that out to them and they quietened down.

Focus on you, on your daughter, and work out where you want to be in 12 months time. Then every day do one thing that takes you closer to where you want to be; if it's hiding some money away so you have your own nest egg, do it. If it's looking for homes to rent away from him, do it. If it's just talking openly and honestly to loved ones about how you're struggling, do it. Take 365 small steps and by this time next year you'll be a million miles from where you are now.

Sweetie, where he lives isn't your problem. The very fact you think it is - and have already pondered the finances - shows how his hold on you is his dependence on you. Not being your partner.

Stop agonising. He'll survive. Believe me, he'll survive just fine. Oh yes.

How often is the weed? He's a bit old for more than the odd evening. Is it skunk?

@FudgeBrownie2019

Thank you for this - you’re 100% right and it was what I needed to hear too.

I feel like I’m the only person in the world who must be in this position, but millions of women go through similar and make it on their own. I know it’s what I want, it’s just the transition phase I’m dreading.

@Supersimkin2 true. I pity him, that’s the problem.

It was multiple times every day, now it’s every couple of days. It’s a lot, that’s for sure.

If it was that he went to the pub on a Saturday, came home and had a joint then went to bed I wouldn’t care - but it’s a priority for him. He’d say he’s cut down, and he has, but he doesn’t understand it needs to stop not reduce. I don’t get it, I wasn’t brought up around it and don’t get me wrong I’ve had the odd puff in my time but the second there was a child involved I thought he would stop and he hasn’t.

@Supersimkin2 what makes it worse is that he can’t afford it. So that’s all he affords. If he made millions and could still provide for us then it would be wrong but I wouldn’t resent him so much, but despite me pointing out millions of times we should be the priority and him saying ‘you are’, we clearly aren’t.

Ffs, op. He's a 32 year old grown man! Who cares where he lives? If he can't figure that out for himself that's his problem. Honestly, I think you've been so conditioned to be "mummy" you can't even think straight.

I guess I also feel like an idiot, for not stopping before it got to this point. For not realising he wouldn’t change. But I really believed he would when we had the baby, and before that it didn’t bother me as much.

@Aquamarine1029 you’re right - I am. I need to change that but it’s not as easy as just admitting it to myself - I don’t know how I change it. Leave I suppose.

I've been where you are and stayed for 22 years. He didnt/couldn't work. Despite being highly educated........long story. I had one child. Only one because looking after ex was a full time job. I worked part time.

22 bloody years !! Then I left and what bliss. Went full time at my work.

Just do it. I was 46. At 48 I met Mr Right. After 8 years we married. Now married 15 great years.
There will be a good future.
Are you always going to be caring for him.

Who looks after you??