16 year old and study - do we just let go?

[LimahlsHair]

DS1 is in Y12. Has the most incredible propensity to put his head in the sand re study/very low work ethic. He's capable. He's always been like this. It's not even related to study: I recall a sports day at his nursery when he was 4. He point blank refused to take part. Wasn't upset: on the contrary, he was having a jolly old time with his friends, who were all taking part.

He was disappointed with his GCSEs results - they were good, but he started too little, too late. We hoped he'd learn from that, but no.

Tonight I said he needs to crack on with his homework or DH (his dad) will turn off the wifi. His response "you don't get it do you? If you do that I just won't come home". (Not as in ever, but he has done this before - just gone out for a really long walk).

He refuses all help. Always has done. Because help will mean us seeing how much work he has to do/he has to do it. We've always given him lots of support and everything he needs to succeed.

Currently saying he's sick of study.

I guess my question is, has anyone else been through similar, and was it all okay in the end? Just feel like after years of this it's his MO and I don't see what else we can do. We've tried to take a back seat, but be there for gentle support and encouragement, we've tried (especially when he was younger) sanctions such as taking phone away etc.

It's not just related to study. It's partly a battle of wills. When he's committed to something, and enjoys it, he will put the work in (case in point: weight training). Does he just need to grow up? Is this normal? Do we just leave him to do as he wishes and accept that he may turn round one day and say "why didn't you help me with my education?". So as not to drip feed, my parents didn't give a shit about my education, or my childhood (during which I was abused (not by them)), and my DH went to a prestigious private school and was very successful academically so between us we've got one extreme and the other. I left school at 16 with one O Level. I worked hard though, and had some good jobs. I also got a degree 5 years ago and have an even better job now. I just want both my kids to have the chance to excel in whatever they choose to do. I just struggle to accept that the way things are going that's You Tube and avoidance.

All in other respects he is charming, polite, kind, very loving to this DB. Of course he can be grumpy and rude too - he's 16.

Thanks for any words of wisdom etc.

are a levels the right choice for him? I know that he has already started year 12, but could you get him to look for apprenticeships etc that might interest him? it might be that he works better when he actually has a 'job' and is doing physical work rather than just working to qualifications

It's a good point sleep. For the last few years he's been sure he wants to do a comp sci degree, then go on to work in IT in a field that interests him. He's smart enough (he got a 7 for GCSE). There just seems to be such a disconnect between what he's capable of, what he wants to do, and how little effort he's prepared to put in.

Is there an incentive you can offer him? Hard work results in reward.

what field interests him, and where are you based, if you dont mind me asking? my BIL works in computer science and offers apprenticeships, which is an alternate way to get into the same career.

When mine started 6th form we agreed they had to be responsible for their own study and take the initiative. This was recommended by the school. This worked well for the 2 girls, it was more challenging for the boy. He ended up retaking a year as his results were awful, gave him a massive shock and he ended up with good grades and is now studying Engineering at Uni.

Good luck.

It's really hard and my now 18yo didn't do anywhere near as much as (I thought) he should but my nagging made him do less if anything. When I finally accepted I needed to leave him to it and make it his responsibility, the work rate did improve a bit.

The expectations on a 4yo's sports day are a bit upsetting tbh.

Tav we offered him money for different GCSE grades.

Sleep we are in the South-East.

Doodle glad to hear your son figured things out in the end.

The yes we are going to leave him be, which we do a lot now anyway. It's more the internal angst it's causing DH and I. I didn't say we had expectations re sports day. I was trying to describe his personality type.

ah ok, he is in the north but it might be worth looking on your local council's website as they often have info about them on there. he can get a degree whilst doing the apprenticeship

I can’t comment from a parenthood aspect but would just like to say this and hope it’s helpful.
A formal education isn’t the be all and end all, it all depends on what he wants to do and also it isn’t too late to re study later when he’s more focussed if he so wishes.

In school I was a straight A student until I hit 14, then I became a bit of a nightmare and ended very much with b/c grades at GCSE’s my parents were super strict, the more they pushed the more I resisted. I moved out at 16 and got job as an admin apprentice, at 19 I grew up and went to uni part time whilst working, I now co own a company with a number of employees and we are relatively successful.
My brother was not academic at all and has next to no grades yet runs the family business very well (having taken over from my dad) and is one of the most acute people I know
My husband is a senior PM for a large company having left school with zero GCSE’s (he definitely would have been described as going nowhere by his teachers!) yet has always excelled in the workplace.
There are school peers of mine who you would expect to be very successful career wise due to how they were in school/college/uni academically yet are not at all.

Sorry if that was long winded but my point is maybe your son just needs to fine his way in his time like we did.

I think at his age, the effort to study has to come from him. You've done as much as you can, time to step away and leave him to succeed or fail because of the time and effort he puts in. I remember a colleague telling me his parents sent him to his room to study with no access to TV, phones etc. He told me he would open his books, had no desire to study so would fall asleep.

Thanks Malted. Glad things worked out for you.

I would say we've come to accept that being on his case doesn't work. Generally our approach is to ask him if he needs help, how it's going etc.

I think at this stage he needs to be responsible for his own studies. Turning off the wifi to make him do his homework is treating him like a younger teenager and I can see why he'd be resentful and go for a long walk instead.

I agree with previous posters that he might just need more time to find his own path. I hated school, did practically no homework or GCSE revision, and then left. When I went to university as a mature student, it was completely different because it was something I'd chosen to do, not something I was being forced to do. I'm probably always going to be a bit last-minute with things, but am doing a funded PhD at the moment so I'm not doing too badly!

I'd say stop the sanctions, stop any pressure, and help him to get through the next two years. It seems as if the A Levels are purely a means to an end for him. Even if he doesn't excel, he'll do well enough to get onto a computer science degree somewhere, and then things might be very different. And try not to worry! Whatever qualifications he ends up with, he'll find something.

I have DS a couple of years older than yours, so have recent experience of DS at sixth form. Given that you've said there is partly a battle of wills thing going on, I think any attempt at imposing sanctions is likely to be counterproductive. Your DS may refuse to work on principle in order to "win" the battle. However, if it is obvious your DS is not doing enough work, I wouldn't simply say nothing at all. It can be a tricky balancing act, but I suspect that if you leave him totally to his own devices, it could get thrown back in your face later - "You knew I wasn't doing enough. You should have nagged me to work."

I would encourage your DS to look at specific courses at specific universities and see what A level offer the university is likely to make. Ideally, go to open days and visit, as that will make the next stage seem more real. We are towards the end of the Autumn open day season, but you may still find some this Autumn.

You could chat with him about aspirations and what he needs to achieve that. Then let him work/not work.
If he doesn't do well enough at the end y12 will be be allowed to do y13?

An alternative would be to 'restart' next September and do a Level 3 BTEC Extended Diploma in Computing.

I think you can only support and encourage without crossing that line that makes them feel they're being nagged. You can lead a horse to water and all that.
DC1 just isn't interested in studying. His GCSEs were mediocre but reflected the effort he'd put in ( the minimum). He's in yr13 doing an A level and BTecs and is finally beginning to understand the connection between studying hard, passing exams and having more CHOICE about his next stage. He's finally 'maturing' I suppose. Year 9 to 11 especially were a teenage nightmare. It's easy for us with our adult hindsight to see the consequences and ramifications but it's difficult for them in their youthful teenage hormonal fug.

OP this sounds just like my DS, passed his GCSE's with minimum work and got lower than hoped for (or capable of) grades but enough to start on A level study at local college. After a further year involving poor attendance and 'just enough ' to scrape through end of year exams, the college questioned his motivation to continue with the A levels and suggested a 2 year BTEC which would still give him the UCAS points to the university course DS was thinking of doing.

DS figured that he would rather leave college and do a modern apprenticeship, which we agreed with as I honestly couldn't see him sticking out a further 5 years study. He has just finished his year's apprenticeship, gaining many transferable skills and an NVQ and the company have offered to take him on on a permanent contract. He has also really enjoyed being in the world of work and has been far more motivated than in any of his recent formal education. Like your DS he has always been motivated in things that interest him, e.g. Sports, exercise, so sometimes it is finding the right things for them which isn't always A levels- uni.