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Original poster

How do you meet men if you're 40, don't want to start going out drinking and don't want to do online dating?

24 replies

MirriMazDuur · 03/10/2019 17:06

Just that really. Add to that don't have many friends at all. And have children so only really have every other weekend free.

I'm just not cut out for online dating. I don't want to meet loads of different people and have to turn them down when I inevitably am not that keen on them in real life. That sounds like my idea of an awful time.

It's so hard to get hobbies that take you out meeting people when you have no time or money!

OP posts:

Dazedandconfusedmostdays · 03/10/2019 17:07

Set up through friends?

LanternLighter · 03/10/2019 17:12

Online dating has a bad reputation and can be hard but it does work. Second man I met from an online dating site is absolutely amazing!
Be picky about which sites to sign up for though, ones where you have to pay a subscription fee tend to be better

Leafyhouse · 03/10/2019 17:13

You need friends first. Get a few of those, get confident meeting new people and building relationships, then shift that over to meeting a man. Plus friends will give a second opinion of any men you do meet - always handy.

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HavelockVetinari · 03/10/2019 17:17

Running club, climbing club, stuff like that. How old are the DC, can you get an evening a week free?

Original poster

MirriMazDuur · 03/10/2019 17:18

I have one friend that I see on a regular basis, and it's not the type of relationship where I'd ask them to set me up with someone.

I not in a place to be making new friends before anyone says it!

It's not the reputation that puts me off. Its just that it seems so clinical. There's no getting to know someone first before there's any thought of that kind of interest in each other. It's all about looking at pictures and seeing if you like the look of them. The thrill of wondering if they like you too is all gone etc

And I hate the idea of meeting up with people and not being interested. Or them not being interested. It's all so cringy!

OP posts:

boredboredboredboredbored · 03/10/2019 17:24

I started going out more, also in a running club but nothing. I wasn't desperate by any means but decided to join a dating website. I only went on one date & now I'm marrying him next year. There isn't a magic pot of men unfortunately you have to go looking.

Original poster

MirriMazDuur · 03/10/2019 17:29

If I'm running I'm not wearing makeup and I'm bright red in the face. I'm not likely to attract anyone like that.

My child is 8 and I have no one nearby to look after them in the week at the moment.

I feel like I could start all kinds of clubs and activities and still meet no one, just out of bad luck.

And then there's the wondering if you could ever trust someone again after being cheated on.

This is more a thread of self pity really. Sorry!

OP posts:

Thenotes · 03/10/2019 17:38

Parkrun seems to be an incredibly successful place for over 40s to meet someone, I know loads of couples who've met that way over the last 3/4 years.

However, I think the key is to get out meet "people" doing something you love or can learn to love. Make some friends, have some fun. Going anywhere just to meet "the one" will be obvious and off putting. Generally enjoying life is very attractive.

Original poster

MirriMazDuur · 03/10/2019 17:53

Yes, that's the problem.

OP posts:

boringisasboringdoes · 03/10/2019 18:06

I mean this kindly and but it does sound as if you've decided nothing will work before you've started so I think any suggestions will be met with a yes, but...

Change is scary but if you want a new person in your life it's going to mean getting out of your comfort zone

Dowser · 03/10/2019 18:54

You don’t is the short answer
I met my second husband online aged 56
Up till then met no one

Blue5238 · 03/10/2019 18:56

Running club. I had just turned 40. To be fair it was a running club social in the pub after the running bit

AdultFishcakes · 03/10/2019 18:59

Basically it’s clubs - (I dunno, life drawing class, running, book club, whisky fanciers association) OR online dating.

The latter is hard work, riddled with eejits and generally strips the dating process of romance but it’s also a very good way to weed out the unsuitable type at a very early stage.

Hattie78 · 03/10/2019 19:05

I met my partner playing Pokémon go! Something to do with the kids as well :)

Damnloginpopup · 04/10/2019 03:08

Join a cycling club. All 40ish men do that as their hobby apparently.

Or, if that's too much effort, borrow a bike off a 40ish man and let a tyre down repeatedly until such time as the right unattached man with a suitable pump comes along to 'rescue you'.

listquestion · 04/10/2019 03:58

Look up Mathew Hussey, get the guy, he has loads of ideas of how to meet guys. There are tons of his videos on utube.

CremeEggThief · 04/10/2019 06:56

I don't know. I'm in the same position as you and have been single for over 7 years. I have dabbled in online dating on and off, mostly off, over the last year or so, but only got past the first date once...and that just confirmed there was absolutely zero chemistry with a nice guy. Unless you have the sort of friendship group where you can go out and meet people together or be set up with someone, or you live somewhere you've grown up, and can re-connect with people from your past, I honestly don't know how, apart from getting lucky with online dating.

fairgroundsnack · 04/10/2019 07:00

I second parkrun - you can go every other Saturday (or go every week and take DC), it’s free and generally very sociable.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 04/10/2019 07:12

Are there Meet-up groups in your area (www.meetup.com), people who just want to get together for social or hobby related reasons. The people that attend are usually single.

palahvah · 04/10/2019 07:16

I think you need to find some sociable activities that you can do to meet friends.

That's important for 2 reasons:

you'll have something fun to talk about when you go on dates and
you'll make more friends and will have some other adult company.

Your first priority isn't to meet someone romantic through this hobby, or for your friend's to set you up, but to find new social avenues.

Btw online dating doesn't have to involve going on loads and loads of dates, you can be quite selective. Plus it's easy to dip your tie in the water.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/10/2019 07:22

I met new people by joining a gym, made friends with a few women going to the same classes and one of them set me up with her husband's friend. I was 50.

Teacakeandalatte · 04/10/2019 07:22

Do you even want a man? They are so much trouble. I'd get a dog or cat and spend all my free time reading and MNing.

ThymenBasil · 04/10/2019 10:40

Meetup.com
Single parents clubs
Singles nights in local area- many have an age range
Matchmaking agency (some accept women for free, proceed with caution)
Others already mentioned: park run, gym
Golf
Start up comversations

Invest in one thing. Don't worry about the 'is my heart ready,' it might turn into friendship, love, who knows. There is always room in the heart to love one more time.

Don't waste time, you will only regret that.

RitmoRatmo · 04/10/2019 10:45

I was same age & situation as you, joined a dating app, and the 2nd guy I met is now my wonderful DP. We’re head-over-heels, plan to marry in the future, and chuffed to bits that we both joined the dating site that week. Do it now OP before your dream man gets snaffled!

FWIW around the same time I also joined some hobby clubs and have met LOADS of great people (m & f) that way too.

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