When "Stranger Danger" and "You look like you need help" coincide

[RainOrSun]

Walking home (from primary school last week, with my kids in if it makes any difference) and a child from their school was struggling with their bike (no parent about, I'm guessing Y5/6 so somewhere between 9 and 11 yrs old, I didnt know him but all 3 kids were in the same uniform). I said to him that his chain had fallen off, did he know how to fix it, answer no, would he like any help? Answer no, he would push it home.
We all carried on walking down the same path but no further interaction.

I didnt think about it any more until a message came out from school warning about 3 blokes hanging round the shops near school, and reiterating to talk to kids about stranger danger.

So, was I a stranger who could have frightened the kid by offering to help, or was I doing the right thing by offering assistance when someone was struggling???

As you were with your kids from the same school, I think you did the right thing. A school dad helped my DS to get his chain back on when he was in Y6 and coming home alone, and I was very grateful that he did, although I might have felt twitchy if he'd been a completely random stranger. You didn't push it when he said he didn't need help so it doesn't sound as if you frightened him. It's sad really that we have to think about these things though.

You were with your DC who this boy will probably know at least by sight.
You did the right thing.
If you didn't have your DC with you, I think it would be better just to walk past.

I think both. You did the right thing by offering, and he did the right thing by being wary of a stranger.

As a kid a neighbour that I didn't know once came out to me wow I was cycling and gave me a pile of children's comic supplements from the newspaper he got. I went home ever so upset about accepting things from a stranger and obviously my parents reassured me and helped me to understand the subtleties. I imagine hope this kid will tell his mum and she would have a similar conversation with him.

I think you weren't a total stranger and you did the right thing.
You weren't trying to bundle him in to a car.
He was happy to push bike home.

I would rather a mum with child in tow stopped to ask my DD is she was OK if she looked in need of help than just passed on by.

Following on from Coffeeandchocolate9, you've given me flashbacks to when I was a young teenager returning home from Scouts, having to push my bike because it had a flat tire. As I went past a dark churchyard, a stranger came running from the other side of the road and asked me if I could help him look for his puppy that had just run into the churchyard. I declined his offer and ran off. (Of course, afterwards, it was obvious that he was intending something nasty if I'd gone with him - my parents called the police who took it seriously).

My point is that the danger was not talking to the stranger, but putting myself in a position where he could harm me. We might teach very young children not to talk to strangers as a simple rule, but surely for older children who are in public places unsupervised, the rules could be more detailed (eg not to go anywhere with a stranger without first checking with your parents) - to help them appreciate the ways strangers could be a danger to them.

In that context, there was nothing wrong with your offer to help, and if you had been able to help in public view, that would have been fine. And I'd want my child to be able to judge it would be fine to accept such help, but not fine if you had said "let's take your bike to my house - I can fix it there." (an offer, even an adult might be wary of accepting)

I would definitely help in that situation, even if I didn’t have my own children with me. I’ve helped lost children a few times in shops - I always do the same; say hello, tell them my name and ask if they can’t find their mummy or daddy. Then I say why don’t we walk up and down the aisles and see if we can find them, and if we can’t we’ll go to the desk. I’ve never NOT found a frantic looking mum who looks pleased that a friendly looking woman has looked after/not abducted their child. I could never just leave a child who looked worried.

Phew!
So, offer, and walk away if declined is ok?

The kids probably weren't recognised- only joined the school at the start of the year, as that's when we moved into the area, and it's a reasonable sized 3 form intake. My oldest is Y6, so likely Y5 kid.

Action against abduction are actually trying to replace stranger danger with "clever never goes"
www.actionagainstabduction.org/clever-never-goes/

Precisely because in the vast majority of cases strangers are not an issue and the message can deter children from seeking help when they need it. I think you did the right thing.

And thank god the "stranger danger" trope is being laid to rest

Bodily autonomy and the right to say no to Uncle Jim when he wants you on his knee and to kiss him on the lips is far more useful (sadly) than the dad from school who offers to mend your puncture.

I have twice offered lifts to children I do not know but who were in the same school uniform as my children who were with me. Both had missed the bus and were attempting to walk down a very fast road with no pavement and one in failing light.
One refused and I called the school and the other got in next to my son, I got the boy to ring his parent and dropped him home. I wouldn't have done this without having my children in the car who went to the same school.

I think “clever never goes” is a good way to approach this with kids.
I also think you did the right thing with offering help. In your shoes, I might have introduced myself as “Freddie’s mum”, he’s in year 2 and featured to my kids, then offered help. Probably wouldn’t have made a difference to the boy as to whether he took the help though.

You did the right thing offering help. Particularly having your kids by your side. Generally I thought that kids were advised to speak to a mum with children if they need help as the safer option. My DD is too young to be out alone (in my eyes) but I have already said to her that an adult should not ask her for help , ie a normal adult would not think it appropriate to ask for help from a child.

Always offer to help. That's what a good community does - look out for each other. But don't be offended if help isn't wanted. (I would have offered to put a chain back on any kids bike wherever we are. Such a simple thing once you know how and can help the kid get home quickly and I would want others to do the same for mine.)

I really like that "Clever Never Goes". Thank you PatriciaHolm