Need help - feel like failing as a parent

[motherrunner]

Morning all,

My son has started Yr 1 and is really struggling.

(Backstory: has had first assessment for ASD, referred to occupational therapy. Occupational therapy won’t run sessions with him until he has had a year at school participating in Cool Kids. No-one at school to run it so for over a year we have been backwards and forwards in trying to get help.)

Yesterday we had a meeting with his teacher and she said she is struggling to cope with his behaviours. He is shouting out random words/phrases, makes noises, won’t sit and more frighteningly has begun to slap children. She said she doesn’t think any of this is malicious, just that he like a bottle of pop and she can see him ready to explode.

She called us in to ask us for strategies to cope with his behaviour. We are aware his behaviour is worse in the afternoon as by that point he’s been in school since 7.30 (when he is dropped off by breakfast club) and he doesn’t really eat (never has, first reason why we were referred to OH). I didn’t know what to suggest - last year we tried immediate rewards, behaviour monitoring, time out, having playtimes taken away but nothing works. It’s like he just can’t help behaving this way.

I feel like an utter failure. DH and I are full time teachers. I feel like I’m always putting other children’s needs before he need of my own child. I rush my children to school for 7.30, pick them up at 5.45, then it’s ‘read me your book’ often whilst I am marking or planning myself so I never feel I give them my all. Are DH and I to blame for his behaviour as working parents?

Writing this during my PPA, trying to concentrate on a million one tasks whilst trying to stop myself from crying.

We have to work (obviously!), just wondered if anyone had any advice with other strategies I could try and implement to make my son’s school life happier.

You are a teacher with a child with SN. That is so hard. Give yourself a break. Can you make any more time in the day for you and your child, at the expense of work? Is it possible to go part time?

I would say the same as above, he maybe lashing out for attention. It’s very hard working full Time with children and if he is in before/after school club he may feel tired/upset. Maybe look at your finances and consider one of you going part time to try and spend more time with him. My daughter is the same age and is a nightmare at home, but I find the more attention/time I give her the better behaved she is. Hope it gets better for you. Also to add sometimes it can be the teacher that causes the behaviour. If he wasn’t that bad in reception, see if he can move classes as at my daughters school a little boy was the same in reception, really acting out and miss behaving but the teacher was very old fashioned and strict. Now he is in year 1 with a new teacher with a different approach he is a angel and also he now loves school. Xx

OP I have a son with autism. I used to teach. I’m not returning to teaching as his needs mean I couldn’t work the kind of hours you describe and meet his needd, deal with unpredictable events etc. It sounds like his day is far too long and spent in an environment which is utterly overwhelming for him. He is slapping as you know because he can’t cope in this environment. None of this is your fault, it’s all so hard and complicated. You need to get advice and demand proper help for him. Do you have any SEN charities where you are? I would take him out of that environment ASAP if possible and look for somewhere more suitable, get advice and apply for an ehcp. Not your fault just a bloody hard situation. You are overwhelmed trying to do all of this. Can you look at it all and see if you might make some changes so you can focus on his needs a bit more now?

I second everything that @Wacawaca19 said above. If he has ASD, he can't help these behaviours and is just responding to being completely over stimulated.

Is there any way to speed up the assessments?

The National Autistic Society have some useful resources.

This is not your fault but you are going to need all your strength and resolve to get him the support he needs; it's a long, hard road.

If you want to PM me OP, I’d be very happy to give you some pointers, advice, moral support.

I have a child with SEN and I’m an ex teacher. You’re under a lot of pressure- I’m not surprised you feel like crying.

My DC is like a pressure cooker. When he leaves school he often completely loses it. It’s also a struggle to get him into school some days. On the whole he’s doing well but he wouldn’t manage with longer days.

His behaviour in the classroom means that his needs aren’t being my. He can’t help making noises, shouting out etc. Start applying for an EHCP and push for support in the classroom. My DC has a full time 1:1 and he needs it.

You are not to blame for this. I’d be asking the school what they are going to do to support him in class to lessen his anxiety.

Thank you all for the input.

DH and I can’t reduce our hours as we play for my morher’s care home fees - that’s a whole other stress but this thread is about DS. We have no other family so that is why DS is in wraparound full time.

He can’t be moved classes as his primary is 1 form entry. His teacher is really supportive though but just at a loss how to deal with him.

DH managed to contact the centre where he had his initial assessment and we have a telephone conversation booked with a doctor on Monday. When we last spoke to her though she didn’t seem to think he had autism, just heightened sensitivity, so unfortunately no label means no funding which obviously means no support at school.

Get a second opinion from an educational psychologist and a paediatrician. If he’s staying I that class can the teacher attend any training or is there an LSA with SEN training who can support him to see how that helps?