How to behave with sometimes incredibly rude boss whom I also need a good reference from in the coming three months

[Really222]

Hi

I work in a tiny but very busy school as an administrator. A lot of the time it’s fun, but it is also exhausting - long and frustrating commute squashed up with other commuters or dancing out of their way at a mainline station, and then a lot of running around all day.

The school is run by a charismatic and driven woman, whom a lot of the time is fun, but who can turn / blame you for things when you least expect it.

Yesterday there was another such incident, but it was by far the worst (and actually made me cry, though not in front of her) and made me feel ashamed and humiliated. I went into her office to tell her something - it was partly my fault because I had assumed that she had finished doing something she had been doing due to the fact that she had just phoned me.

In any case, the way she told me to get out in so many words - unbelievably rude. Yelling at me. She has this way of making you, when in that mood, feel about 5 years old and very small.

Added to which, how disorganised she is can sometimes lead to her blaming you for her own mistakes. Cue eye rolling, when in fact she is the one who hasn’t given you something but thinks she has for example.

My contract is a recently extended maternity contract and ends in December, by which time I will have been there for 15 months.

The head is planning on changing the role apparently, at which point she has said I can apply and interview for the changed job. For many reasons I won’t be doing that, and her behaviour yesterday (followed by some other moodiness and not even saying goodbye to me when she thought she was going to have to lock up - this is after a day or me running around and being accommodating, as she expects people to be) pretty much clinches that.

In any case, my main question is how to br dignified but distant, but at the same time not rude. I divorced an emotionally abusive person, but it took me years to do it, so I am well used to hiding how I feel and putting up with shit.

My boss knows she can be difficult and will often be lovely, buys you coffee, is a good laugh etc, but if someone can turn on you like that, they are actually not as nice as they would like to seem IMO. The way the school is run we are all pretty much at her service, rather than being equal members of an organisation on our own career paths iyswim. Very much at her beck and call working for her within what is her dream project.

While I don’t deny that she is driven, clever, sometimes inspirational, I don’t accept being spoken to like I was yesterday:

So how do I play it? I need to keep my distance from this person, but I also need a good reference when I leave.

Sorry about the typos.

I would be professional and a bit distant, but would call her out on bad behaviour, politely but firmly, every time. Eg yesterday "Excuse me, but it is not appropriate for you to yell at a member of staff. I will come back when you can speak to me properly". Re. Blaming "I am sorry, I understand that you think you have given me x but you haven't so please don't make me responsible for your oversight". All said very calmly with a smile on your face.

References rarely go beyond the "x was employed here from x to y blah" these days, usually at the insistence of HR, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Remind her your a colleague not a pupil and to speak to you properly.

I find confrontation difficult but I realise it is simply boundary setting. In the past she has made up for being sometimes unpleasant by then being kinder, or buying you coffee or whatever. But I don’t want that, I just want an even keel and no rudeness in the first place.

Personally I would be finding another job right now and moving on. As pp said references are minimal nowadays.

A stressful commute followed by a day with an emotionally unstable bully isn’t worth it. Are you ok with three more months of it?

As she’s top of the tree you can’t stop her, she’s unlikely to respond to any requests to behave more professionally anyway. How do other staff, parents and the children get treated?

The fact that she "makes up" for unpleasant behaviour indicates that she knows she is doing it which is even more reason to call her out on it.

My boss is appalling,
dont take it personally op.
Rise above it.
grin and bear it
as said, a reference is just bare bones

The problem is that my contract says I have to give a term’s notice, and she will also take ages to find someone so part of my leaving a good impression will be training the next person properly.

She is okay most of the time but snaps sometimes - I know some other members of staff have had it happen to them, but not all as far as I can see. Generally she is okay. But there is that uncertainty there because being blamed for something can come out of the blue. Always okay with the children and parents.

I recognise that my coming into her office like that was annoying, but she could have modulated what she said and how she said it.

I also think you should start looking for another job ASAP. She sounds like an arse (although a lot of them seem to find their way into upper management)

Just try to maintain your professionalism and next time she kicks off just tell yourself that you only have 90 days (hopefully less) of this nonsense.

Sorry x post there. Start looking for a job next month.

By the time you’ve sent your cv in, interviewed, negotiated and worked one months notice it will be Christmas anyway.

Oh I remember your last thread. So have you given your notice?

You need to have things in writing, when asked to do certain things, write them down, so you have some form of proof, and when she is responsible for certain things, write that down to, absolve yourself of blame

but your contract ends in december, so surely you are not expected to stay longer?

Or are you just waiting for your contract to end? I’m confused at how this is going to work with training a new person. Has she started recruiting?

Does she know you won’t be staying?

Is it Micheala? Warm/strict etc?

I have reminded her she needs to put an advert in, so hopefully she will be doing that. After December I don’t have a contract unless she renews it, so do I have to formally hand my notice in?

Start looking for a job next month.
By the time you’ve sent your cv in, interviewed, negotiated and worked one months notice it will be Christmas anyway.

Yes. I have been looking at jobs but it is frustratingly about a month too early.

She can be lovely it has to be said, but I don’t accept the unpredictability or the sometimes rudeness.

This is where you carry your phone on record at all times (Vaughan v. Lewisham 2013). The next time she starts shouting, hold up a hand until she stops or throws something. If the former, say "this is the last of these ridiculous displays. Now, would you like me to work out my notice, or simply walk out?". If the latter, leave immediately.
I've worked for the charismatic before, and it never ends well. Give me a sclerotic bureaucracy staffed by ex-RLC sergeants any day.

On the last thread you started you had lots of advice about having a meeting and discussing the way forward with her. You still seem very unclear about the terms of your contract?

She’s been vague about the new role but said you can apply for it. Is there a job description? She can’t advertise until she has that.

If you are going to leave this job behind (and I strongly recommend it) you need to make an appointment with her, tell her you won’t be staying beyond the end of your contract and you just need to make that clear so she can find your replacement. Put a rocket up her.

I bet she’s assuming she can just extend you until she decides what to do. Or worse she’s already decided and you’ll be left high and dry in December. (Which is a bad month to look for work).