16 yo girl - no freedom

[Gerty01]

Never used a forum before so please bear with me.
My 16yo is flexing her muscles and wants to go to a friends (male) house after college, never met the friend, known him all of 6 months.
Last time we allowed her to meet a boy at his house we found out he described himself as vicious, aggressive and dangerous- she wonders why I’m concerned.
Probably going to be shot down in flames for being over protective but I suffer from anxiety and am questioning my sanity.
Thank you for reading

16 yo girls tend to do whatever they want.

I know but at least she’s being honest.

Does the lad live with parents or guardians? Are they likely to be around? I’d probably feel a degree of anxiety if it was my daughter, OP, and 16 is very young - but it’s also an age when it’s natural for her to be wanting to explore adult freedoms. Keep the lines of communication open if you can. Try and negotiate with her how she will reassure you she’s safe. Encourage her to bring the friend home (so you can check him out but keep a light touch). When I was 16 what would have helped is feeling that my mum would listen to my perspective.

Thank you. Yeah he lives 3 miles or so away.
We’ve had lots of talks about sex, boys and girls, we’re quite open but she then tells me that all her friends boyfriends go into their bedrooms when they visit, they’ve been on holiday with her parents and been allowed to sleep over. She thinks we’re suffocating her... we are older parents but I feel I encourage honesty and openness.
Appreciate your response

She's old enough to get married, have sex and leave home.

If you try and stop her going to friend's house at around 4pm then yes, you would be suffocating.

I would prefer to meet the boy but I do think that at 16 she will most likely find a way to do what she wants, with or without your agreement. For that reason I allowed my daughters to have their boyfriends round the house and in their rooms. Not so sure about a more random friendship.

Surely most 16 yo are allowed boys into their bedrooms?

At 16 I spent a month doing voluntary work in Malaysia. I imagine she can probably make some decisions about risk at a friend's house!

Precisely, need to let go else she’ll do it anyway.. thanks

I have a 16 year old dd who is honest I think, with me, with that comes freedom. She'll do it anyway at least this way I have some control and input

True, sometimes being a mum is tough when all you want to do is wrap her in cotton wool. I’ll go and put my big girl panties on, and as someone said above keep the lines of communication open.
Thanks for your time

Precisely, need to let go else she’ll do it anyway.. thanks

Exactly, and hard as it is to accept (and I 100% mean that), you don't have and the alternative. You've worked to hard to keep the lines of communication open, you don't want a wedge between you now

You've got to trust that the values you've installed in her since she was a small child, will work to protect her from making big mistakes.
You've got to let her go now and trust her.

Sure she'll make small mistakes and learn from them, but hopefully the early work you've put in will prevent her from making big mistakes.

I'd you don't give her freedom now, she'll take greater risks than is necessary.

Yup I had a lot more freedom way before 16 than you're allowing your dd now, I was never stopped from seeing anyone. While I was at school I had a 10.30 curfew on school nights and that was it.

At 16 she ought to be able to be friends with whom she pleases (within reason) and go to their houses and look after yourself. I wouldn't want my DC asking or needing my permission in such circumstances.

this sounds dodgy to me. I would be concerned.
can you try to get her to bring him to your house instead, but not alone in bedroom, in the living room/kitchen area, for a meal, homework, chit-chat.
your daughter's perspective is bound to be more limited and rosy than yours. young people do not see the dangers.
try to talk too her in terms of how much you care about her.
what is the nature of her relationship with this person.
safety in numbers, better not to be alone with the opposite sex.
perhaps you can try to confide in her a little too, ask her advice, to further establish a relationship of mutual trust, respect, caring.
good luck.

What sounds dodgy? She's known this guy for 6 months and wants to go to his house after college. I can't see why you're saying that feels dodgy @alexdgr8

When you say older do you mean your more like a whole generation older so your more the age of what age world my be expected as her grandparents. Even with this it’s really your anxiety at play here. We cannot protect our dc all the time it’s impossible all we can do is encourage resilience and give guidance.

I hope you have chatted to her and said it’s ok because she may start doing things behind your back. That would be far worse.

Raspberryk - thank you, to put into context for an old mum, without being rude, how long ago was this?

I have a 16yo dd she has had a few bf's goes went to last ones house it doesn't mean they are going to have sex because they are hanging out at home they can do it anywhere.
She has never brought any boys to our house says because we are in country nothing to do.

Over protecting your children does them no favours. You can still raise them to have morals and behave well whilst allowing them their independence and nurturing them to think and behave sensibly when difficult and unfamiliar situations suddenly arise.

At 16 she should be more than capable of travelling independently, knowing what to do if pressure is put on her to do something she doesn’t want and the ability to communicate and negotiate with ease.

It might be that your daughter has a lot of catching up to do if you’ve been strict and over protective but the kindest thing you can do now is see that she can make informed decisions and sensible choices and become independent.

I turned 16 in 2003 , so it is a while ago but I'm not sure it makes a huge difference. I would say you'd be looking at 2001-2004. I didn't even "tell" my parents I had a boyfriend for ages I used to just get picked up in his car and dropped off around curfew. I used to stay out at his all weekend and my step mum said good we won't worry/wait up when you don't come in til late (no weekend curfew) Once I was earning and driving in 2005 i had complete freedom, went on holidays with my boyfriend etc.
Also used to have mixed sleep overs and camping before 16, got dropped off and picked up from parties/ town.

I never hid anything or rebelled as there was nothing to rebel against and as long as I had my phone and my parents knew my vague plans it was fine. They were reasonable people so a text if something changed was fine, a few mins late was fine.
My dad always said if we knew where you are in the first place and something goes wrong you can call us without worrying, if you're doing something stupid and it goes wrong it's harder to pluck up the courage to ask for adult help.
At the end if the day they always would rather know what I was up to than me hide anything as they knew full well I would go do it anyway.

Of course you are concerned, but learning to let go yet still be supportive is critical.

I’m in my 40s now. I was having sex from my mid teens. When mum found out, she was cross, not that I was having sex but that I hadn’t told her. Mum became my best friend that day.

Katewhinesalot
Thank you, she does sadly learn the hard way, I just have to let her make the mistakes and she knows I’ll always be here for her.

she knows I’ll always be here for her

That's the most important thing. You can't protect her from everything but you can be the person she rings when it's all gone a bit wrong. That's what mums are for!