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Have I made a mistake sending DD to this school, when we aren't MC?

16 replies

PuntoAmongstThePorsches · 02/10/2019 19:14

DD has just started at a very good grammar school. She worked extremely hard to get in, and we are so very proud of her.

She seems to be getting on well, and to be making plenty of friends. However I've had a few niggles of worry. On quite a few occasions she has mentioned how so and so's dad is a professor/bigwig in local council/consultant, you get the idea. There have also been tales of one friend's horses and ponies
We live on the other side of the catchment area, in Normal Village, many of these children live in Posh Commuter Village.

For background, DH and I both have degrees from RG universities, he works in a manual job and I work pt for a charity. We probably could have done more, but I had DD young, and DH was very ill after he graduated, so we've never really got as far as having a "big job". We own our own home, the bills are paid, DD and our younger DC do numerous activities, and we're happy.

However I've now started to worry that we have thrust DD into a position where she is going to feel inferior to her friends. Today she came home and she was a bit quiet. I asked her what the matter was, and she said that her two friends had already visited each other's houses. They did not know each other before September and live the same distance away from each other as from DD. Apparently the mothers swapped numbers through the children and arranged it.

The three girls have been inseparable since the first day of school. I was going to wait a few weeks then ask them both over myself,or suggest that I taxied all three to a cinema trip. I'm probably being paranoid, but I feel that DD's family background has been picked over and found wanting. One of the girls has a habit of asking the other children what their fathers do and how big their houses are. She also, according to DD, was asking quite a lot about our family - pointing out that our younger DC were DD's half siblings. To be fair, DD wasn't upset by this and it did seem to be in the context of normal preteen curiosity, but like I say, I feel that perhaps a picture has been formed amongst the other parents.

Please talk some sense into me. She's such a lovely girl and we are a very happy family, I don't want things to go wrong for her here. I almost feel like pulling her out and sticking her in the village comp.

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 19:23

OP, as nicely as possible this is your insecurity and not your dd's.
Stick to your plan and take the girls to the cinema.
Do all the girls have phones? This can impact who contacts who sometimes.
Everybody always thinks that other people's parents are cooler than theirs.
Any girl talking about houses and jobs sounds rather insecure. Your dd has her friends.

pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 19:25

Anyway you have a RG degree, how can you be found wanting!!
I don't think parents at secondary school are anything like as judgey as you fear.
If you are encouraging drinking, smoking and watching 28 films I think you will be fine.

TeenPlusTwenties · 02/10/2019 19:26

You're crazy to consider it. Smile

Most families won't care where you live or what jobs you do provided you are bringing your child up well (i.e. be polite, try hard, good friend). If the 11yos have been in a bit of a sheltered bubble they may well make unfiltered comments but that doesn't particularly mean they are looking down on you.

Just tell your DD that if she want to invite anyone over to go for it and that you will facilitate lifts etc. Friends made in the first weeks of y7 often don't last anyway.

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pumkinspicetime · 02/10/2019 19:30

If you are encouraging drinking, smoking and watching 28 films I think you will be fine.
Ffs,
If you are not encouraging drinking, smoking and watching 18 rated films.

aweedropofsancerre · 02/10/2019 19:34

This is your own anxiety so please don’t pass it onto your DD. My DC are in private and you have a range of DC from the super wealthy to those whose DP are working class ( like me)

RedskyLastNight · 02/10/2019 19:35

Even if a "view" has been formed of you by other parents (which I'm sure is not the case) there is good news! This is secondary school and parents are pretty much incidental to the meeting up plans, except as a taxi service. Your daughter has made 2 good friends who presumably like her for herself, encourage her to organise to meet up with them.

AppropriateAdult · 02/10/2019 19:38

You’re really extrapolating a lot from one incident. It’s good for your daughter to mix with people from all walks of life. Kids that age are curious and do ask the sort of questions that adults would shy away from, it doesn’t mean much. Go ahead with your cinema plan, that sounds lovely.

Bythebeach · 02/10/2019 19:44

Seriously OP, they won’t be judging you and if they are then surely they aren’t the sort of people you or your daughter would want to be friends with. The only thing I care about in my kids’ friends is that they are generally kind and well-intentioned, ideally with responsible parents.

LoveGrowsWhere · 02/10/2019 19:47

Your family sounds lovely. Half of marriages end in divorce & plenty of women have children without marriages so I don't think your DD has any reason to stand out.

I would be surprised if other parents have even mentioned you. At secondary there isn't the hanging around the gates in the same way as primary as most children make their own way home or go to clubs.

Mixingitall · 02/10/2019 19:53

No one will be judging you or your daughter. Don’t project any insecurities you have on to your daughter.

TemporaryPermanent · 02/10/2019 20:00

Thos is one of those awful moments in parenting that hit you when there is NO need. Yes your dd is suddenly noticing that others have made contact when she hasn't immediately, but there really is time for friendships to develop, formed by the children themselves and not their parents.

Do you really want her to be the first friends if a kid who has been taughg to measure people by their income?? That girl will grow up, so will your dd, give it time and let it be.

Btw I hate to break it to you but I would definitely consider you to be MC Grin

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/10/2019 20:00

I think it's more of an issue for you than it is for your DD?

From the sounds of it the other two girls arranged something because they live closer to each other

The problem is geography not social status

Boozysoozy1 · 02/10/2019 20:01

I went to a grammar school and no one had a horse! They are there exactly so that people on a lower income with high intelligence children can have the education they need and deserve, I think you’re overthinking this

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 02/10/2019 20:04

You sound very middle class to me. I wouldn't worry.

Ariela · 02/10/2019 20:11

I always liked going to my best friend's house because her mum (unlike mine) used to say 'have as much jam as you like we weren't allowed any in the war' Mine made us have a tiny scrape of jam, still in post war austerity.
Frankly we weren't bothered about the size of house, her parents jobs or whatever, it was the fact we could have as much jam as we wanted on our bread that was the winner.

hopeishere · 02/10/2019 20:17

Only on mumsnet do people care about RG universities.

You've probably not been found wanting.

What's with the taxi to the cinema? That sounds a bit complicated.

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