Ladies (and possibly Gents)
There is never a right or wrong path to take in life and we shouldn’t search for the ‘right’ answers in others opinions (although I’ve tried!). I find myself still so sure that surely someone out there has been in a similar situation to the one I find myself in and can offer some advice to at least better inform my own decisions.. right?
To set the scene I’m 27 years old, I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Generally speaking, we were very happy together, the best of friends. We’d enjoy each other’s company on a day-to-day basis, relax on the weekends, go on great holidays and share similar goals as to what we’d like our future to look like. He truly was and is the most thoughtful, selfless and kind hearted person I have ever met and I love his soul entirely.
Last year we sold our old house to buy a ‘project/ fixer-upper’, we both moved back home with our parents (separately) and the work on the new house started. At the beginning of this year I started to notice that we weren’t spending any quality time together, my partner spent a huge amount of time at the house and when he wasn’t there he would be playing tennis. The times in between when we’d be having conversations over the phone or texting the house became all we ever talked about, in huge detail, to the point where it felt as though the house had consumed him and I was only there to fill in his free time.
I felt like I wasn’t getting any attention or affection from our relationship anymore, which is when things changed..
As this came to a crescendo something else happened in my life, two things in fact. The first being, I got a new job. This job took me into the city every day, meeting new people and doing really amazing things that excited me. Rather than speaking with my partner about how I was feeling about our relationship, I instead found happiness and satisfaction in other things in life, such as going out in the city with friends, going to cool events and making new connections.
The second thing being, I accidentally met someone else. As I was leaving my old job, I got chatting with a colleague that I had known for a couple of years. He offered to take me out for a ‘leaving diner’, which I accepted. We always got on well and shared similar interests, but I didn’t know him too well, he was senior in the business and very allusive. I was interested in seeing him outside of work to see what he was like, as I’d secretly always found him interesting and attractive. He is older, 40, married, with two kids (from a previous marriage). During my time knowing him I felt as though we always had a connection, but was still unsure as to whether this was a ‘friendly’ dinner, or something more. I went out of intrigue.
To cut a long story short, it wasn’t a friendly dinner. We spoke for hours, it felt like we’d know each other for years, or perhaps in another life. The evening ended in a kiss, which was the start of a four month affair, which is still happening to date. We took things slowly, really getting to know one another, seeing each other a couple of times a week, going out of dinners, having movie nights in bed, or going away at the weekend. We have ended up truly falling for one another, both emotionally and sexually.
I had distanced myself from my partner and it almost felt as though I was two separate people living two different lives. He started to notice the change in me, I wasn’t as affectionate anymore, I didn’t want to spend as much time with him and I rarely wanted to have sex. In my time spent with the ‘other man’ I had come to convince myself that we had the same views on life spiritually and that I could truly be myself with him, rather than conforming to societies norms with my partner and having the ‘happy life with kids and a dog’ that really, made very few people truly happy. I told my partner that I thought we had both changed as people, that perhaps I wasn’t ready to settle down and that I had so much more of life to experience. I never told him about the affair.
We decided to give things a go and try to improve them, all the while I was still seeing the ‘other man’. Which is where I start to doubt my decisions.
Whilst ‘trying’ with my partner things were getting more serious with the ‘other man’. We started to discuss the possibility of us being together and taking the time to really get to know one another before we made such decisions. Although I said I was trying with my partner, my energy was totally invested in the affair, so I wasn’t, I was setting my relationship up to fail. I was cold towards my partner and I could see the pain in him. All he was trying to do was love me and I couldn’t help but push him away. I didn’t find him attractive and more and the thought of having sex with him made me cringe.
I decided to end our relationship last week as we we’re stuck in a toxic place that was doing the relationship no good. But now I’m left wondering..
When ending the relationship it was the first time in months that the reality of what I had done hit me. Before I felt so disconnected to the affair, it was like an outer body experience and I therefore felt no remorse. But when leaving my partner it all came crashing down, I felt awful. How could I do something so cruel to a wonderful man that loved me? I started to think of the reality of my affair, in the short-term the ‘other man’ is older, he’d never fit in with my friends or my life. In the long-term I would want to get married and have children one day, which he would not, amongst many, many other complications. As much as we enjoy each other’s company in our false reality, it would never work in the real world. The break up made me think of things on a granular level too, sure we have things in common, but a lot of things we don’t. When it comes down to it, he doesn’t have the love, care and compassion that my partner did, in fact he didn’t seem like a patch on him in the end.
Have I just thrown away a meaningful relationship that I could have worked on for someone or something that I have just fantasised in my head?
The point my relationship was in trouble coincided with the point the ‘other man’ entered my life in a romantic way. So I was always distracted and never gave my relationship a chance. Could it have worked had I never gone for dinner with the ‘other man’ that evening. Or would I have never ever considered going for the dinner if I truly loved my partner, was there always something missing?
I want to end the affair as it will never be anything more than it is today, so what’s the point.. we should both find happiness in the lives we have today, without one another. But do I give my old relationship another chance? Do I get back with my now ex-partner to try and bring back the spark, or is it time to be single? Maybe there is someone out there for me that has the traits of my ex-partner as well as the ‘other man’.
I don’t want to regret throwing away what once was my happily ever after, but I also don’t want to force something that perhaps isn’t mean to be.
Has anyone had a similar experience and can offer advice?