Was anyone else raised not to speak up?

[havingamadmoment]

By this I mean never speak out of turn or show that you know more than the person talking (especially any even vague authority figure). And under no circumstances show that you are struggling or unhappy in any way shape or form!

I should add I had a very happy childhood with a loving family but for some reason this was instilled in me from an early age.

It is causing me a problem at the moment because I am not feeling well at all and haven’t for months. I have been to the doctor who has done blood tests. Apparently these are ok and that was the end of that. But I am not well at all - I am tired and falling asleep, muscle pains and I am getting breathless all the time among other things.

On this occasion I am seriously not ok but for some reason every time I go to the doctor I fail to convey this at all. I just can’t - it i underplay it.

I have asked for a phonecall tomorrow and I seriously need to say I am not ok I actually feel like there is something wrong with me - wether that is physical or mental I have no idea but soemthing but I seriously struggle to do this especially as gp doesn’t seem that interested anyway!

If you have been raised like this how do you get over the “for gods sake don’t make a fuss” mindset?

I know there are probably people reading this going WTF is wrong with you but I had to ask someone and this seemed like a good place!

If you have been raised like this how do you get over the “for gods sake don’t make a fuss” mindset?

I have no idea. But I hope you find a way. Could you email before the phonecall? Or write it down and read it out?

Hope your phone call went ok xx

I think this is a generational thing that doesn't happen anymore. My friend I work with is 60 years old and would never dare disagree with a doctor or nurse etc whereas if something doesn't make sense to me medically I will question it and tell the doctor I don't think it's accurate or acceptable. What I would do is write down a list of questions or bullet points and if you don't feel comfortable saying it, just hand the doctor the list and say oh I wrote this so I don't forget anything here's a list of my symptoms, so you can't change it when you get into the doctors office.

I can relate, OP. Any kind of negative feeling would have been totally suppressed when we were kids. We were definitely given the impression that we were lucky, and others much worse off So I guess that can lead to feelings of guilt when we're finding things hard, and also difficulty in identifying how exactly we're feeling in certain situations.
I hope you feel better soon

Definitely. I'm well into my 40s but still find myself unable to interrupt in meetings - the phrase "shhh, adults talking" is stuck in my head.

I am a bit like this and I'm only 29! So not a generational thing.

The only way I can get round it is writing everything down beforehand as others have said. Practise saying it in a polite firm but manner "I respect what you've said and I am grateful to you for ordering the tests but I'm afraid I can't leave this here as I am still extremely concerned due to xyz..."

Hope it goes ok and you get better soon.

Yes i imagine loads of people. Counselling and someself help book. Eventually you break it down and start speaking up. The first few times you may be so angry its disproportionate or you do it and then find yourself apologizing, doubting yourself , replaying it over and over again or retreating to your old ways as they are safe. It will be 1 step forward 2 steps backwards and then... when you speak up calmly and you get heard it makes you feel...like you were under water and only have just emerged after holding your breath for so long.

This goes in hand with parents who invalidated your pain or perception of events.. diaries are good to help with this.

A good book suggested here is a woman in your own right and there are other good assertiveness books.

Yes me. Wasn’t encouraged to ever give an opinion on anything, unless I agreed with my parents, or make a fuss about anything. So for my teen years and 20s I had no clue who I was as a person, or how to ask for help if I needed it. A lot of unnecessary struggling tbh.

Now I have to learnt to stand up for myself and that my feelings and opinions are as valid as anyone else’s. I do sometimes fall back into the behaviour of struggling instead of speaking up, but I’m better than I was.

Tell the doctor EXACTLY how you feel. It isn’t ‘negative’ to say that you are ill.

Take the bull by the horns op, prioritise your health.
I was brought up to speak up and I do which I know makes some people uncomfortable. I'm half Italian and definitely take after the Italian side where that is concerned. My ds aged 5 has naturally taken my lead , but it's not always a good thing. I sometimes inwardly cringe and worry he's overstepping the line into being precocious. It's hard to get it right when teaching little ones to express themselves

So sorry you feel so unwell and are struggling. I agree with the suggestion of writing down - honestly, as you have done above, but in more detail - so you can then just read your list out or hand it to the doctor.

Might it also help to remind yourself that the doctor's job, the whole reason the doctor became a doctor, is to help people get well. And the more challenging cases where it is difficult to work out what is wrong are the most professionally rewarding when solved. So, to an extent, the doctor is more likely to feel you are wasting his/her time if you don't tell them how bad you really are than if you do? Put another way, by "not making a fuss" you are doing the opposite of what the doctor wants.

The first step is probably to realise your issues as you have done, and even tell the GP that you find it difficult to talk about what's wrong as a result. But one of the reasons survival rates for things are lower in the UK than in some other countries is because the "don't make a fuss" culture means people do t seek proper medical help early enough. So it's a well recognised phenomenon - please don't let it be you!

Yes I think I get what you mean.
Like it would be rude or offensive to others if you said what you are thinking, and second guessing yourself so ending up assuming you would be wrong somehow anyway so you keep quiet as what you say will just be dismissed, something like that?

GP’s and other HCP’s can usually help you better if you’re able to paint as full a picture as possible.

@havingamadmoment what time is your phone call scheduled for?

Can you write down what you would like to say?
Perhaps list your symptoms or write down how you’d explain what’s going on in as much detail as you can, then when you have your phone call, make sure you say all you’ve written.
Have a pen handy and underline or tick off points as you make them.

Taken from your OP, may I suggest this:

‘I have had some symptoms for months that are really worrying me.
I am not well at all - I am tired and falling asleep, I have muscle pains and I am getting breathless all the time among other things, such as x,y and z.
I’ve had some blood tests which have come back normal so I was wondering what else we can do now to find out why this is happening to me? As I say, I’m really worried’

I hope that’s helpful to you in some way OP, I’m no expert but just wanted to try and help.

Good luck today