Mourning my pre child life

[lostlondoner]

Nearly six years on.
Don't get me wrong I don't regret having my children. I adore them and they were very much wanted. And I know I am very lucky to have them.
Just....every now and again I get so low with the drudgery and the lack of freedom. Things feel grey.
Motherhood is tied into moving out of my beloved London and being made redundant too. I knew I wanted to move in from the job I was in but I now hark back to what I call the golden period in my early thirties when I was having an absolute ball in London. I really miss having time to run in London before and after work, to meet with friends for drinks and to go to interesting things.
I don't feel like this all the time.
I've seen a counsellor and she's really helped me see that I've been through three massive changes and I haven't really moved on from them yet. Change is separate to the transition period.
I've thought about going back to work in London but it feels so daunting. I'm so drained caring for my kids that I'm not sure I could cope with proving myself in a new role right now. I'm doing some freelance work which is great but I do get so lonely. I miss my friends too. I haven't really helped much with anyone where we've moved to. I've lots of acquaintances but no one close.
We've also considered moving and still might but that also feels very daunting now. I feel like I've lost so much confidence!
No advice really wanted just wanted to know if anyone else ever feels like this. I need to move on but somehow still feel sad my life is no longer what it was.
I must practice more gratitude for all the amazing things I do have and know that I will get more freedom as they grow (and then I'll probably be missing the early years!!) x

Honestly, I think this is normal and quite common. Someone once described it to me as a mourning period, and I think that really is true. In the beginning, it's raw and visceral and constant and then over time it fades but you have these moments.

Having said that, I wonder if yours isn't a bit more hardcore. And I can't help thinking it's because although you are happy to have had the children, the other parts of your life that have changed are NOT working for you - work, where you live etc? In which case ,what can you change to make things better. Maybe moving back closer to London or committing to making more of an effort with friends?

I also live outside of london, but it's easily commutable. Sometimes I fall into the trap of just working and doing childcare and family stuff and I realise that it's not helping me feel happy and stimulated. At which point I proactively go out there and arrange events and evenings out. Usually just once a week, but I NEED it for my sanity and to feel that there's more to my life. it might just be a drink and a movie with a local friend or it might be a trip into london to see someone there and go to some fancy new restaurant or to a show.

I really think it's important to find time for yourself. And not the 1 hour while children are napping or you've finished the household chores, I mean time to do something proactive that you want to do, whatever that might be.

I think that's exactly it. I've just had an amazing weekend with old friends and a week or so ago went into London for drinks with another old friend and it's made me realise how much I miss all that! I feel glamorous and young (ish) not knackered, invisible and frazzled.
I feel like the last 6 years I've basically had to switch off my brain and just get through each day sometimes.
Maybe planning some more proper things for me will help. Moving somewhere a bit more lovely too - though tricky now eldest is in school.

I feel like this sometimes. I really get the thing about not having moved on from your past life. I used to be so sociable and had so many friends but now once the kids are in bed I'm too tired to do anything (even have a proper conversation with DH!). Our social life revolves around friends with kids and we usually end up doing child friendly stuff (all very nice but I miss the grown up stuff I used to do!). I miss those weekend lie ins and lazy days of just pleasing myself. I miss the relationship I had with DH before kids came. It's still good but I'm often a bit tired and snappy with him. I miss the holidays we used to have that actually were holidays - relaxing and refreshing rather than exhausting and a bit stressful! Like you I don't regret having kids at all!! They're fantastic and they bring so much to my life. I feel very fulfilled being a mum. I do think it's very normal to miss your old life with all its freedoms and pleasures.

Do you have a partner? What are they doing to support you? Could you go back to work in London?

I have 2 dc, a 6 year old and a 19 month old. I work in London but commute from the South West. I work 3 days in the city, long days, I’m back 7-8 just as my dc are going up for bathtime. I still put them to bed every night. I do the school run 2 days, 1 short day that I wfh and then I have Fridays off with my toddler. I work full time with compressed hours and I earn a good salary that makes the commute worth it. My field is very niche so all the jobs pretty much are in London, so I don’t really have a choice if I want to work (and I do!). But it affords me a lovely balance, friends and a life and career in London, but still plenty of family time and a financially comfortable future. I still get breaks- weekends away on my own (I’m going on holiday this week by myself for 3 days). But I can still be present at home - and importantly, so does my dh. Because we share the load and he does the school run and homework and all the stuff around the house 2-3 days a week, he has a lovely bond with our dc.

I get you, OP. Possibly not unrelatedly, I also moved out of London when I was still on maternity leave with a small baby (a job which, for complicated reasons I never went back to, I found a local job instead) and was taken aback by how isolating I found life in a village. I've never had the remotest difficulty in making friends in my life, and I went to baby groups and volunteered and got involved in stuff and did all the right things, but, seven years on, I haven't gelled with this place at all, despite making huge efforts.

But I don't want to move back to London, which was for me all about living in a tiny shoebox in zone 2 and going out all the time and can't be gone back to, so we're moving countries. I think this will make things better.

My DH is great but does v long city hours so I feel quite isolated. And all the childcare is down to me. We could increase childcare so I could go back to work. However I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends just working from home and trying to look after the kids so unsure whether working back in London is the right plan right at this moment.
Ah well! First world problems.

@GaudyNight sorry to hear you haven't settled. Hope you settle better abroad

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way OP, I think it's fairly common but a bit taboo to talk about; and I do believe you can be thankful for your life but miss how things were as well. Even if you don't go back to London to work, do you think maybe something other than working from home might help? I found going back to work 3 days a week, a change of scenery, the chance to work alongside other adults completely transformed my outlook. I went from feeling like I love my DC but I feel almost like i am drowning, to feeling like I have a bit of 'me' back, not pre baby me as my children are a part of me- but still, a part of me that had been taken away almost. The time I have with them is also so much more precious to me now, and we do more things and I cherish the time at home rather than resent it.

Also remember to have nights out etc when you can, they're important.

Yes maybe it will improve my confidence. I'll think about it and try to organise something to look forward to
Thanks x

For me it is as simple as having time away from my children allows me to enjoy them a lot more. Getting the work life - home life - social life balance is an act that I will never master though and parent guilt does get me that some days I’m happy to be dropping them off!

Another thing to remember is that it will change as the DC get older and you will start to regain your life bit-by-bit. So if it helps, view it as a hiatus, not a permanent loss!

I have a theory that the majority of people have children because it’s what’s done. They’re not even consciously aware that they actually have a choice. If a job description matching that of a parent was advertised, nobody in their right mind would apply for it. I think we need to normalise the choice to skip mother/fatherhood completely.

I could have written this. You're not alone mama.

I guess one thing you could think about is that we do have these "golden periods" of life, but they fizzle out eventually no matter what. Even if everyone involved remains child free, friends move on, jobs change, events end, places close down and our interests change.

I used to have some great times at festivals, but even if I were to somehow gather the friends (who are now scattered around the country) and find a festival (our old faves aren't on any more), it just wouldn't be the same. Life moves on. I can't blame kids as none of my friends have them except me.

Not in my case, @SherbetSaucer. Had planned to remain happily childfree, till at almost 40, I decided I didn’t want not to experience parenthood. It was completely out of character, and not mandated by any broodiness — my family and friends were extremely surprised. I did not regret it for a second, but that first year was very hard.

I would also look into other working possibilities OP. Freelance means you never get away from the home. Working outside the home doesn’t have to be a full-time long hours long commute stressful role. Yes a new job would be daunting at first, but may be worth it in the long run!

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I think it's been amplified for me by the move out of London and loss of job and I need to re-evaluate that. I feel guilty for feeling like I do sometimes. I try to remind myself that I'm very fortunate to be able to be there for drop off and pick up and they are only young once.

I could have written this myself, and you have no idea how much it helped me , so thank you for that.

Like you I mourned my child free days (and that was for years) I don't anymore, but I spent almost two years with my now second husband enjoying being a couple to the max. I'm pregnant again but I don't think I'll miss that anymore.

On the other hand I was moved from London to Cornwall for my exHs career, that is what I can't over. I feel depressed about it day in and day out.

I guess we're city girls at heart and we'll always mourn that loss.

@Rainbowhairdontcare sorry u have had a hard time too. Love the countryside but not sure living here is the best for me! But it's not just about me anymore is it.

The only thing I mourn is my child free house. It was tidy and clean. If we could hire a cleaner and a housekeeper I’d love every aspect of it