Mother giving me grief over eloping

[WTF0ver]

My husband and I got married in Las Vegas recently just the two of us. We had reasons for going away - firstly weddings are so expensive we couldn't afford to have a "traditional" wedding and even if we could I wouldn't want to spend thousands on one fucking day. I didn't want to deal with all the stress of organising a wedding, I've had a bloody stressful year anyway with work stuff and the thought of that on top of it would have sent me crazy. DH has a lot of anxiety and I get anxious too and hate being the centre of attention. I only have a handful of friends and small family (DH's family is all over the world, we're long distance as well so have immigration stuff to pay for soon, which is our focus). So I'd have looked stupid having about 5 friends there with my family. And I'd get stressed out worrying that I hadn't invited people whose weddings I'd been to as well. We were not going to put ourselves through that.

So it was the right choice for us, and we had a fantastic day, very little stress. Of course I missed my family and felt a bit bad that they weren't there but it was the right thing for us to do.

She's made comments before and I've tried to explain that we weren't doing this out of spite. We went wedding dress shopping because she wanted to get me one (it wasn't an actual wedding dress but a nice long maxi dress) but she can't help herself. She'd said before why couldn't I get married in a registry office and then go for a meal with the family after? Well these things are still costly and what about my friends? It just wasn't what I wanted. So we did our own thing and enjoyed it and had a lovely holiday afterwards. After the work stress it was just what I needed to unwind.

Tonight my grandmother gave us some money and after I'd finished thanking her my mother started with the guilt-tripping. Firstly going on about them not being there when we got married and then when I said I couldn't afford that kind of wedding and did she want be being bankrupt over one day? She said that the parents usually pay for a wedding but they couldn't afford to do that either so why they hell mention it? It was doing my head in. She told me that I have a vendetta against her.

My mother has form for holding things against me and bringing them up later on, sometimes years down the line. She still brings up an incident when I apparently ignored them and gave them dirty looks when they turned up at my primary school sports day. I was 7 or something and barely recall this incident. But of all the school memories this is the one that gets brought up whenever I've done something wrong.

I'm basically the black sheep of the family, non-traditional, and do things that they would never do. I don't want kids, I'm happy in my world just doing what makes me happy. I've struggled a lot with depression in the past and have been in a good place for the last few years. I will not go back to that bad place. She complains that we're not close despite me going over there 3 times a week. Well, maybe she should have laid the ground work for a close mother-daughter relationship when I was a child instead of constantly having a go at me and making me feel like shit.

I decided to leave early because I'd had enough. I told her that I'm about at my limit and she better not say that again. She said that she's struggling after their dog died. I empathise, I miss the dog as well but it's not nice to take that out on me. I said she should go for grief counselling if she's finding it hard.

I'm just feeling so upset. Life is difficult enough without all this shit.

Congratulations on your wedding.

Seeing your mother three times a week is probably too often, unless you have actual caring responsibilities for her.

‘Eloping’ means it was secret and surreptitious, but if your mother bought you a dress, she clearly knew it was happening? And yes, I agree, three times a week is far too much.

See your mum less...once a fortnight?

Do something focused with her/ a specific activity so she has less opportunity to put you donwn and it's more enjoyable.
E.g. bingo, cinema, swim, spa, beach clean (sorry bit random suggestion- just something my mum loves!).
Dont keep apologising for helping. Nothing to apologise for but maybe give her a nice picture of you both on your wedding day as a xmas gift and if she wants...tell her all the details of the day and say you did think of them all. Sounds hard.

That should say 'eloping' not helping!

Congratulations on your wedding. I did similar recently. I'm currently being ignored. That's fine!

Read some books on narcissistic mothers. Susan forward, Karyl McBride, Lindsay C. Gibson

You are your own woman. Time to go low contact and assert yourself.

They bring up an event from when you were 7?????

‘Eloping’ means it was secret and surreptitious, but if your mother bought you a dress, she clearly knew it was happening?
Agree with this - you should have just gone and done it and only told people afterwards, would have made it 'easier'.

I eloped 25 years ago, still don't regret doing it and my mother took forever to get over it. It didn't help that she had never met DH (I live in a different country)... What helped me enormously was when my brother eloped a few years later - it really took the pressure/spotlight off me

Do you have any siblings who might consider doing this at some point

I think you did very well to stick with what you wanted to do and not give in to her pressure. I agree that. 3 times per week is too often to see someone who behaves like this. I'd cut that right down to once per fortnight at most.
I'd tell her she isn't to complain about the wedding again or you will just leave and go home. I think you have to shut it down every single time she complains.
Eventually she will get the message that constantly going on about it will result in fewer visits.

Ugh, I’d be withdrawing and seeing much less of her. Shut down any conversations with her that you don’t like. I’d be hugely taking the piss by going ’ Yeah and remember that time when I was 7 and I apparently gave you filthy looks!’ She needs to get over herself, she sounds very odd.

I think you need to take a step back from your mum and see her much less. If she asks why, tell her.

She seems selfish & very hard work. She's obviously not going to be happy with much of what you do, it sounds like you probably can't change that, so as that's rather a lost cause I definitely agree with PPs who recommend reducing contact. Accept you just can't deal with her, & make yourself happy. You're recently married - enjoy that instead. You're not responsible for your mother.

Congratulations on getting married, BTW!

Agree that you see her to often if you don’t get on that well, but tbh I’d be gutted not to be at my dds weddings, so I can imagine how she’s feeling about that.

Echoing other posters here.
Congratulations! You have to do what suits you for your wedding, though personally I'd have gone away and done it in secret if eloping.

Like PP, 3 times a week is a lot to be seeing someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. You may want to pull back and get some boundaries.

You did exactly the right thing; and you should keep doing it. Every time she brings up something ridiculous just calmly say “mum this isn’t up for discussion any more; please stop bringing it up or I will leave”. Then if she keeps going on about it, leave.

Agree that going over 3 times a week is far too much when she treats you like crap. Have you considered taking up a hobby, or joining a group or class to do in the evenings?

If she was otherwise a decent person i’d Suggest all getting together for a nice meal to celebrate your marriage to make them feel involved; but it sounds like here she would find something to pick at regardless so there’s not much point.

(On another note - you should never feel ‘awkward’ for not having many friends - i’ve been to some lovely weddings with only about 10 people; and they’ve been just as enjoyable and lovely as the ones i’ve Been to with 100+ people! Of course the way you did it was completely valid, as well).

I normally think it's a bit unkind when people exclude their family from their weddings. I'd be gutted if my children did that but wouldn't mind if it was just a jeans, register office and fish and chip affair as long as I could be there. But with your mother I think you did the right thing. She would have made it about her and found fault with everything you did or didn't do.

I'd go low contact with her and read some stuff about narcissistic parents as PP suggested.

I'm going to disagree.
I think your post comes across very aggressively. If that is how you come across in real life, it's not surprising that your mother feels you're not close.
I'm sure she is upset at not being at your wedding, and you should probably accept that she will mention it. That is something you would have taken into account when deciding to go abroad to get married.
Your reasoning is about justifying your choice, but obviously she will be aware that a trip to Vegas will be more expensive than a meal out with family.
We all make choices that have consequences, and her upset was entirely predictable.

Have you had decent therapy for your depression?

I wonder how much of it is due to the relationship with your mother... sounds like the dynamic needs to change!!!

I'm sure she is upset at not being at your wedding, and you should probably accept that she will mention it. That is something you would have taken into account when deciding to go abroad to get married.
Your reasoning is about justifying your choice, but obviously she will be aware that a trip to Vegas will be more expensive than a meal out with family. We all make choices that have consequences, and her upset was entirely predictable.

Her upset was 'entirely predictable' because the OP's mother sounds like a pain, with whom it is impossible to have a functional, far less a warm relationship. Perhaps if she didn't bring up something her daughter is supposed to have done wrong aged seven all the time, her daughter might have felt more positively about a wedding with family present. Why would the OP want to spend her money on a fancy party which would give her mother even more cause to criticise than on a holiday to the US during which she could get married quickly and quietly?

As regards 'predictable upset' not everyone's family throws a strop at not being invited to a wedding. No one in our families knew we were getting married at all casual affair with two witnesses -- and it was between two and three years afterwards that word got out. Mild annoyance from my SiL about us not 'giving her a day out' was about as upset as it got. One of her sons has since had a wedding with no guests either, and to be honest, fond though I am of SiL, I think the fuss she would have made about a traditional wedding contributed to his/his partner's decision.

In our case, as we made very clear, it was not a choice between a 'traditional wedding' and the wedding we had, it was a choice between the wedding we had and no wedding at all. We would never have done it any other way, and neither of us has had a moment's regret since.

Thanks for the congratulations! Eh, I guess 'eloping' is easier to type than "only telling a handful of people that we're planning on going abroad to get married on our own" ;)

No caring responsibilities. She and my dad are in good health.

I guess it's just a pattern we fell into. I live nearby and started going over a few times a week. She likes cooking for me. We have a laugh sometimes but we're very different people. They're both Leave voters and I'm a Remainer, I struggle with their views.

Yes I've had therapy for my depression over the years. Lots of it. I'm just struggling with certain things right now but I'm not going back to that place I was in before. I'm a lot stronger now and see things differently.

We get on better when we're further apart. We just rub each other up the wrong way sometimes, maybe because we see each other too often. She even told me before I got married "I don't like your new surname by the way".

Nothing wrong with my new surname. But there you go.

Agree with seeing her less.

You also need to Grey Rock her when she brings it up.

A breezy “Oh well, it’s done now.” and refusing to get dragged into a guilt trip, pity party or negative interaction about something that is now in the past.

Purely on the wedding, I agree with this:
I'm sure she is upset at not being at your wedding, and you should probably accept that she will mention it. That is something you would have taken into account when deciding to go abroad to get married.
Your reasoning is about justifying your choice, but obviously she will be aware that a trip to Vegas will be more expensive than a meal out with family.
We all make choices that have consequences, and her upset was entirely predictable.

I would be gutted not to be invited to any of my dcs' weddings. However logical the reasoning is for someone to elope ( and she is right, it would cost a lot more to go to Vagas than a registry office and a meal here), but, with the other things you've posted, it doesn't mean it feels any less sad for family to be snubbed in that way.

Other things you have mentioned, do suggest you need to not see her as often as you do - you say you are very different people. 3 x a week is a LOT of time to be spending with someone you don't really like that much. That is a different question, however.

It’s not snubbing your family though is it if you don’t invite ANYONE? If you have good relationships with your family and exclude them but invite friends then yes it’s entirely understandable that they’d be hurt, but I really cannot fathom the people who don’t get that a wedding with LITERALLY NOBODY THERE EXCEPT WITNESSES is not a snub! Weddings are about the two people getting married after all, the party and spectacle isn’t a necessity.

OP she sounds like a pain in the ass. You’ve done nothing wrong, you sound great and exactly the kind of person I’d really get on with (I relate to the depression and difficult family stuff!) and I would second others advice to see her less often

I love my mum, she's just difficult at times. She's a hoarder too.

She over-compensates. For example, I was given some cards and small gifts from family to open on my wedding day. My mum had given us not one, but three cards. I don't know why she wastes money when one card would have sufficed.

She did suggest I could have done it in the registry office. I'd considered this but our local RO is closed down. The nearest one looks a bit dated and crap. A friend had said "Oh it looks awful you can't possibly get married there!" So that put me off. And I didn't want to have to drag people farther afield.

A lot of the decision was down to money. A village hall would have been fine but we don't have one of those. Also my DH lives thousands of miles away so this was us both travelling the same distance to meet and marry rather than him travelling over here only to have to leave again. We didn't want things snowballing out of control. I've heard that if you mention the W word the price of things shoot up. I didn't want to have to organise things, I've already had enough stress this year. And there's waiting times to consider, things book up fast where weddings are concerned. Vegas was so easy. I went online, had a look around, few clicks of a mouse and it was booked. Relief.

And I didn't ask them for any money. I'd have felt bad about that. Mind you, my brother is on a 6 figure salary and he still asked our parents to contribute to his wedding!! I never went looking for hand outs. She bought me a modestly-priced maxi dress. I was going to buy one myself but she said she wanted to.

Sounds like my mother. People who aren’t burdened with toxic relatives cannot possibly understand, join the Stately Homes thread, OP. There’s no reason to see her so often, it’s only out of f.o.g. that you’re going anyway. Do grey rock with her, only bland, unemotional replies and no information given beyond idle small talk. She can continue to flounce and tantrum and demand emotional labour from you all she likes, but it’s such a wonderful feeling when you choose to no longer be the audience to a toxic relative.