What small things make a family?

[DahliaLoveMe]

I was a very, very late surprise baby, and although my parents were good in their way, they were long past the small child stage. Consequently I was quite lonely and bored, knocking around in a house that was more like that of my friend's grandparents than one where you'd expect a small child to live. Trips and family/child friendly events didn't happen either, everyone else was an adult.

I used to feel jealous of my friend's cosy family homes. I remember thinking that in "proper families" they had the following

Bunk beds
At least three rusted old bikes lying around the garden
A biscuit barrel
Those brightly coloured posters with the alphabet or numbers stuck up in the kitchen
Plastic children's plates and bowls
A clothes maiden
Smell of baking

Some of these are obvious, some are a bit odd and I have no idea why they fall under the Proper Family list!

Does anyone know what I mean? I was thinking about it today because I was looking for one of the alphabet posters for my own kitchen

What a nude thread- I’ve never really thought about this

Nice thread not nude!

'Family cuds', where the three of us (I'm an only child) would form a circle and just hug.

My dad calling me 'me old comrade'.

'Experimental' baking, where my mum would let me add raisins/tomato ketchup to everything.

Making a den under the willow tree using scraps of wood my dad got from work (and him teaching me how to use a hammer).

Frogspawn in abandoned fish tanks, then releasing the froglets into the wild.

Knowing not to interrupt my mum's ironing time on Sunday mornings until I heard the end theme tune of The Archers playing.

Hadn't realised I had so many of these memories until now... Thanks for posting, OP.

Alphabet magnets on the fridge
Thick white bread toasted with loads of butter
Porridge on a Sunday morning
Crumpets on a Sunday night
The Archers theme tune
A family dog

Me.
My daughter.
My dog.
And perhaps some zoflora sprinkled about somewhere??

Although, yes to the archers theme tune!! That is literally the cosiest music ever!!

This thread is possibly the best thread in all of mumsnet for making me feel better about what I general term my shit housekeeping.

For me this means:

• stacks of children’s art work (some pinned up in the kitchen, other accumulating by messy pots of pens and crayons)
• alphabet letters on the fridge
• shoe and coat mountains by the door
• always being behind on putting away clean laundry
• walls with scratch marks and the odd pen mark on them

Maybe it's my own insecurities showing but I disagree with 90% of this thread. Family can be quiet and organised and loving and warm and fun with two working parents and an only child. There's not one type of loving & nurturing family. Just because OP didn't feel it from her upbringing doesn't mean that those factors are determining for everyone.

This is an interesting thread!

Kids homemade Christmas decorations on the walls. I was (half) jokingly livid when my mum stopped putting mine up

A stressed mum shouting up the stairs about shoes and cleaning teeth in the mornings.
A dad reading bedtime stories and doing the voices
Hamsters
Birthday cards up long after birthdays
A range of random odd shoes on the stairs
An ironing basket that's always being raided rather than fully ironed
In our house a door frame with heights marked on it as my daughter grew

Family pictures on the wall, and stuck on the fridge with magnets
Cuddles and a feeling of safe when you’re with them
Everything having a place so no matter how long you’ve been away for it’s still the same
Feeling loved and like they’re your cheerleader
In jokes and traditions
Present parents who want you there
Organised mess
Toys everywhere
Clean laundry
Snacks

I think I'm the only person on the thread with an integrated fridge.

Oh yes heights marked on the doorframe!! Leaving them behind made me cry when we moved a couple of years ago. I made DH mark it all into a roll of Ikea paper to recreate in this house - not that we ever have!
Blankie, I don’t think anyone would dispute loving, nurturing families come in all shapes and sizes. I did put my ‘proper’ in inverted commas because of course there is no proper family. Please don’t let these posts feed any insecurities....I was absolutely loved and nurtured as an only child and I adore my parents. I did have a yearning for a noisy, messy family with mum at home but that’s because it was the norm all around me in the mid eighties and I was the oddball. It really isn’t the norm now!

What about - terrible school photos? You know, big sibling with a hand on wee sibling's shoulder. Ear poking through hair, wonky half grown in teeth and faces just a smidge too close to the camera.

I've never seen a good school photograph.

A garage full of old Toys and bikes
A family pet
A treat cupboard that everyone sneaks things out of
Bunk beds
Bean bags
Lots and lots and shoes and coats
A big bag full of winter gloves and hats that don’t fit anyone

@Bythebeach I could have written every word of that, right down to the career choices! Do you also feel that even though you have some of the trappings, you're still not one of the "proper" families? When we go to visit the farm or the park, I see all the mums running around with cartons of juice and sunscreen, and even though I'm doing the same, I still think they're the real thing and I'm not!

Blankiefan I don't think it's anything to do with working parents or being an only child.

I think it's about children being "centred" in the family, somehow. Although my parents loved me and I wanted for nothing, my childishness was a footnote to their home life, rather than the main event. They were like a retired couple who could focus on their relationship again, only they still had a child living at home. By the time I was a tree in the school play, they'd seen dozens of school plays, to them it was no longer a novelty, and they forgot that to me it was. I don't blame them, but it did contribute to me feeling that our family was different and separate from others. I really don't think it's specifically to do with working parents or having an only child, and it was never my intention to make it seem like that

What age were your parents when you were born?

So I suppose, the example of the pictures on the fridge. My mother would have said "gosh how lovely, darling" but wouldn't have thought to put the picture on the fridge. Not for any bad reason, just that she wasn't dwelling in that headspace where you automatically display something like that, almost subconsciously, as a way to encourage your child.

I need to get alphabet letters though!

I think it's about children being "centred" in the family, somehow.

Dh and I are still a family as the two of us.

Of course PurpleDaisies but I was referring to how I felt as a child, comparing myself to families with similarly aged children

Instruments every where, Arguements, kids, Animals,Family walks, Photoes of kids on trees.

A drawer in the kitchen full of useless useful stuff; odd shoe laces, a tin of used birthday cake candles, commemorative teaspoons, jam pot labels, a purse that doesn't belong to anyone etc etc. (It is not to be confused with Michael McIntyre's Man Drawer - this one is far more random)

This thread is possibly the best thread in all of mumsnet for making me feel better about what I general term my shit housekeeping.

Totally agree. I never realised that all my chaos was just creating memories. I will make sure I reminisce using these pointers with my dc so I can make them reframe the chaos of three dc under 5 into positive family vibes.