Tearful over my parents’ divorce - 20 years ago

[ahickiefromkenickie]

I feel so silly . My parents divorced 22 years ago in a way that was at the time very traumatic, handled badly .

The way home life was then left me with a lot of mental health issues in my teens , behaviour and thought patterns , that I’m still battling now in my late twenties .

I’ve been living with my mum for a few months after having had a pretty bad breakdown over winter this year ... suicidal etc .

My dad and I have had very sporadic contact since the divorce and there’s still a lot of distance there in many ways . He knows I’ve been ill though .

He’s contacted to say he’s driving 4 hours to see me and take me out for the day . He’s picking me up at my mum’s house .

I’ve not seen him and my mum within 20 feet of each other since I was tiny and for a long time that was all I ever wanted. For them to show that they loved each other maybe . I’m very aware that they don’t but that they can be civil and both be my parents - finally - means the world to me .

I feel pathetic but when I think about the fact that he’s coming to see me, and he’ll come to my mum’s house ... I just want to cry and cry and I can’t work out why . Whether it’s relief or something or sadness for the wee me who would have been overjoyed ... I’m not sure . I’m not sure I want to discuss with either parent hence just posting on here !

No real words of advice as this is such a complex issue but just wanted to reply.

I had a similar experience of my parents divorcing, a lot of nastiness, mess, abusive traits in my dad and it resulted in me giving up on him after years of battles and it causing me such poor mental health.

In my twenties I finally felt in control and like I understood it. But it took until I had lots of other good stuff going on in my life and could feel stable and like I had my own future. This really helped me. For me, I needed a future to move onto so that I felt no need to drag up and dig into the past.

It's so hard and I can understand why it still bothers you, because it is unresolved and still impacting your relationships. I'm sure you've considered seeking help or therapy and don't be afraid. It has been through talking it through, self challenging my perceptions and realising my position in the world that I've got control. Perhaps also thinking about your break up and move home and how you want to move forward with that aspect will help too. I find issues can blur together and my childhood issues can come back to the surface when other life issues happen.

Anyway, I'm rambling. But didn't want to leave unread.

• I mean break down ... not up. Sorry!

OP it sounds like you could really do with some counselling to help you unravel your feelings. It’s great that your parents can be civil but try not to get your hopes up that they can be anything more. I hope you have a lovely day with your dad.

Could you meet him at a nearby cafe instead?