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Could really use some advice!

4 replies

Lavalump · 26/09/2019 17:13

Background

A few years ago I did a taster session at uni for 2 months with the intention of doing a degree. I did really well but by the end of it, I was very traumatised. I was the oldest person in the class (51) and was treated by some people in there like I was an alien. I had a 'friend' there but at the last minute, she seemed to turn. On the certificate day when we all lined-up for the group photo and everyone was making space in the line-up for everyone else but not me so I ended up at the end. Basically, that was the physical manifestation of what had actually been going on most of the time. It took me so long to get over it and eventually I decided to give uni another try and I started a few weeks ago.

Situation now

Things have been fine until today. There is a group of us, about 10 of us, who seem to gravitate to each other and get along. Ages are 20's 30's 40's and me. Today, the whole class was split into two. Me and another lady, *Helen (late 40's) were sitting on the opposite side of the room to the other people I just mentioned because we arrived in the room later and all the chairs there were full.

When our half of the class relocated to the next room Helen said she thought there were a lot more people here than in the other half and went in to see if the lecturer wanted any people back in there. I don't know what happened but she never came back.

I sat with a group of three behind me. all teenagers. We were given a group task to do but it didn't really work. They were only half-interested, on their phones, chatting, laughing at silly sexual innuendo type comments etc. Just being teenagers, basically.

I did try to join in a conversation but it was impossible as they almost speak in code!

Obviously, they were talking about films and games and music and things I just didn't have any idea about. When they did talk to me it was with that sort of blank/polite mask that young people reserve for old folk.

Only half of the questions were answered. I'm not a dominant bossy type who will lead and control a group. Even if I was, I don't think it's my place to do that.

I came away today feeling exactly like I did 2 years ago - an outsider.

We are meant to be working on a project together over the next 6 weeks and I am already dreading it. We are just not on the same wavelength at all.

I feel I would achieve more and have a better experience working with the people I've been mixing with who are in the other group.

Also, I am thinking longer-term. When you work with a group of people on a project it brings you closer together. I feel if I stay where I am it will mean that I'm more of an outsider to the group I've been getting friendly as I won't have their shared experience.

As another spanner in the works, I am taking a trip in November and I will be away from uni for a month - uni are aware of this. So I'm thinking being away for that time is another spanner in the works of me keeping in with the group so does it matter about this project and should I just stick it out?

But I don't know if I can. It's very triggering for me and I get anxiety and depression and then I know I will most likely leave uni.

Should I ask if I can rejoin the other group?

What do you think?

OP posts:
peoplepleaser1 · 26/09/2019 17:33

Sounds really tricky OP and I can see why you're feeling really upset.

I think it's sad but almost inevitable that many of the young people aren't making enough effort to include you. I'm not excusing their behaviour- more trying to say it won't be anything personal, just thoughtlessness and lack of understanding.

I would speak with your tutor about this as I'm sure they will do whatever they can to help.

You sound very concerned about 'fitting in' and 'making friends'. Maybe uni is not the best place to do these things as you're not with people with a great deal in common with you. The primary purpose is to further your education, and you can do this with or without the social connection.

Maybe look to other avenues for friendship and connection?

tectonicplates · 26/09/2019 17:58

Definitely ask if you can move to the other group.

ForTheTimeBeing · 26/09/2019 18:03

Explain the situation to your lecturer in the first instance and ask them to allocate you to the more suitable group. If this does not work, ask to meet the course manager and/or a learning support adviser. Good luck!

Lavalump · 26/09/2019 22:04

Many thanks, I appreciate your replies.

My DH immediately said I need to talk to the lecturer and explain that the group dynamic just doesn't work.

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