so I had no one to sit next to on the bus and now DS is the same at same age

[somebrightmorning]

Please tell me I'm being an idiot.

When I was a child our family was pretty disfunctional and I was very shy/intense. When I was 13/14 this turned into being pretty needy and consequently I didn't have many friends for a while. I have awful memories of a rather lonely school trip abroad.

My younger son is now 14. He's very like me and an introvert. Not streetwise and susceptible to some low level bullying recently as he can be a bit clueless and repartee can go over his head. But he's much happier in his own skin than I was at that age. Not least because our family is much much more functional than the one I grew up in and we all like each other and think highly of each other, and he has a great big brother who is devoted to him and a couple of years older (v different from my birth family)

He's just off on a school trip at half term. There's a buddy system. He says his friends (and his best friends are all going) will have already paired up. He's not the sort of person who can just make friends instantly.

He's also told me that he'd be a lot less stressed about it if I wasn't stressed.

I guess I'm not happy wtih who I was and I dread my child having the same experience. But he is moving in a much better direction than I was ....

happy to be given a good ticking off.

I think it’s very hard to let go of bad experiences. I’m the same with my children. I worry they will feel the same as me (low self esteem, self harm, difficult mother/daughter relations has left me quite damaged). I think for our kids it’s important to try and let go of it or just try and hide it a little as they’ll take their cues from us. It’s not easy to do and I can appreciate why you’re anxious but don’t let this rub off on your son especially if he’s comfortable in his own skin.

Thank you, you are right of course.
I appreciate you replying.

I’m the same with my kids. I worry and relate the experience they might have with the bad experience I’ve had. It’s not easy.

Some one said to me 'don't drown them in your pond' I know it's hard but the worst thing you can do is make them worry because of your past experiences, the fact he's asked you to stop worrying shows that it is having an effect on him. Trust that you have been a better parent and have equipped him better.

But it's different because although he'll be sat on his own his friends will be sat near him so he can still talk to them, I think I'd prefer a seat on my own on a long bus trip so you have more room, his mates will probably be envious. Plus kids have phones now so he can just put his headphones in and stick his head in the phone if no ones talking.

Dont project your issues onto your kids.

They have enough to deal with without your bloody baggage as well.

I like the pond thing!

thank you all and thank you for being kind. I'm usually good at not slipping into this sort of trap but yesterday I got caught out/wobbly - probably because of some other stuff that's going on.

I said "sorry, you're much cooler than I was at 14, I'll leave you to deal with it", then left it. Luckily DH has high self-esteem and projects that on to the children so I got DS into DH's company.

thanks again nice people

You sound like a great mum to me. And very nice that he is able to tell you when to back off a bit.
Hope the trip goes well!

ah thank you. you are kind!

luckily DH has this belief in the kids, like his father has in him. It's a great antidote to my "pond". I did well to choose such a different person to be their dad!

Sounds like you have dealt with it well. Also loving the pond analogy.

The parents I know that I think are great are those that realise that they get things wrong/over react/project. I think you are doing great. Hope the trip goes well xx

So sorry you had a horrible time growing up, OP. You sound like exactly the kind of mum you would want any child to have. The very fact you worry you might be visiting your ‘stuff’ onto your son suggests you are probably being very careful not to show your feelings in ways that would influence him adversely. It’s painful when people closest to us reach milestones that were hard for us. Have you ever had any counselling? Would you consider it? I know it can seem the thing offered for anything that ‘ails’ but it can be really helpful for laying ghosts of the past to rest.

You sound so lovely OP :)

No real advice as I think all the posts above ^ have covered it but just wanted to tell you

Great advice from people.
Also after a while they will all have headphones on and pairing up will become a complete non issue ❤️

Wow, you sound just like me!

It’s good that your son can tell you he’s being stressed by your stress level, and that you realise you’re projecting. My mother is a terrible worrier and always expected me to be friendless and struggling socially as a child, and it is just wearying. She does not have your self-knowledge.

These lovely posts have made me have a little cry. Thankyou kind strangers!

Gaudy, my mum is, unfortunately, like yours. I think that if deep down your mum doesn’t believe in you it makes you weak
Think I need to go reflect on that.