Life isn’t fair....

[Solongtoshort]

In my circle of friends mainly from school, there are 12 of us. Obviously some have stronger ties to each other and we don’t all see each other regularly due to time and distance and life but we all meet up at least twice a year and are in regular contact.

Last week l read a eulogy for one of my friends husbands, that sounds like l am betraying him because he was my friend too l had known him 25 years.

On Monday l had a message from one of my friends who l knew had been ill and had visited her in hospital late August, being naive because she was out of hospital l thought she had got better, l was lead to believe she had a serious lung infection. Turns out she has lung cancer and it is terminal. I have been asked to help her plan her funeral so it leaves her husband less stress and to be able to deal with the three girls. I am honoured that she asked me, l am also arranging a meet up at her house next week so everyone will know and we can be together. I don’t think l could be so matter of fact about it. He funeral is going to be beautiful.

It’s so scary we are 43, one of us is a widow, one will be leaving he children. One of us has lost a baby to sids.

Apparently l always hold my shit together and am logical and lm the peacekeeper, they have all had conversations about this .

Little do they know l am filled with anxiety some days and even though l think l have 11 friends l don’t tell them or my husband my deepest darkest secrets.

I don’t know how l will get through this. I feel so selfish typing this and l don’t know how our friend closer to my dying friend is going to cope, her husband as just ran off with someone else.

I tried to have a cry because l feel l need one my tears won’t come out.

I am aware my post makes me sound like a selfish dick no need to tell me.

You don't sound like a selfish dick at all

Its really doesn't make you selfish. We all have our own emotions to deal with. Just because someone is going through a tough (understatement) time doesn't minimise your own feelings.
This is obviously a terrible time for you all and your clearly highly thought of within your group of friends.
Your so young so I imagine there is an element of your own mortality creeping into it.
Just make sure you look after you too, this is a terrible time for all involved.

Oh gosh you don't sound selfish at all. It sounds like you have all had some difficult times and that there are more ahead.

It is super hard being the strong one, the one people turn to for support all the time. I know as I am that person for many friends and family. It is an honour that they feel they can talk to and trust you in that way, but you can become very emotionally exhausted when you take on the pain, grief and sorrow of others. And it can also make it hard to open up in turn as 1) you don't want to burden people who are already struggling and 2) it means showing your own cracks which can challenge your identity as a helper.

It's really important to take care of yourself through this. And I don't mean bubble baths and massages etc. though those things can be soothing and helpful at times. I mean find someone you can talk to. If not friend or family, then Counsellor or Psychologist. Don't hold onto everyone's grief for them. Find a way to let it out. And to give yourself some time where you're not thinking of it all constantly. If you don't want to talk, buy a punching bag, start journaling, give yourself mental breaks through reading or binge-watching your favourite tv show.

And some times, you might just have to say "hey I really want to be there for you/talk about that with you but I'm struggling today so can we catch up tomorrow instead". Not easy to do, but there's a lot happening and it's very easy to become overwhelmed and burnt out.